Someone sent me this video which seems to go around the internet.
I don’t know the full picture, of course. If I did, I would likely see it very differently.
But from what she says, a few things came up in me…
She found her soul mate, a partner she felt deeply at home with, learned that he wanted children, realized it would be difficult for them to have a child together because of her age, so ended the relationship and found another younger woman for him.
I understand that in our culture, that may sound selfless and romantic.
To me, it looks a little different.
She made a decision for him, based on what she thought he wanted and needed. She didn’t allow him to decide if he wanted to stay with her or not. She even found a new partner for him to replace her.
She left his life and cut all connection even if it wasn’t what he wanted.
She sacrificed herself and went into a martyr role.
We don’t know that he is more happy, satisfied, or content with the new woman and a child. He may still, secretly, be longing for what they had. He may have wanted that more than what he has now.
They could have found other options – adoption, egg donation, and so on. Did they seriously explore these options?
She said she left him because she wanted him to have a child and the life (she imagined) he wanted. It seemed that what he really wanted was to be with her. I wonder if she is telling herself this story of selflessness and martyrdom to cover up another reason. For instance, she may have been afraid that she was too old for him and that he would leave her for a younger woman, so she made that happen to have a sense of control and avoid the (imagined) later pain.
As I said, there is a lot I don’t know in this situation so these are just my imaginations and they say something about me and not them.
Still, it’s worth looking at.
It’s better for me and others if I allow them to make decisions for their own life. If I try to make decisions for them, based on what I imagine they want or need, I infantilize them, do it based on my imagination, and force something on them.
If I tell myself I am doing something for someone else, I find I always am doing it for me and it’s good to be honest about it.
If I go into a martyr role, there is always something behind it – a wound, an unloved part of me, unexamined scary stories.
Video: A Love Not Meant For Me by Aryana Rose