I am at some kind of event. A friend of mine from the Zen center (A) is now a teacher and is giving a talk. Later, I am the personal student and apprentice of an artist. It feels deeply right to be there. For reasons having to do with my girlfriend, I leave for some days without telling anyone, and am not allowed to return to my role as an apprentice.
These two reflect my twenties in my waking life. My friend from the Zen center is now a Zen teacher. I was the apprentice of a world-class artist, and left both that and art. A part of me miss the art and what that path could have been, and a part of me misses Zen, the Zen center, and what that life may have been if I had continued on that path.
EXPLORING DISAPPOINTMENT
The dream is colored by disappointment and lost opportunities. It may invite me to notice that it’s still here, befriend it, and also see the bigger picture.
I notice the feeling of disappointment. Notice it’s already allowed. Say you are welcome here. Stay as long as you want. Notice it’s made of this awake space, as any other experience.
I notice I don’t know how my life would have been if I had followed those paths. There were many reasons, including being caught up in fear, that made me go another direction. Whatever wounds are in me would be with me no matter which path I chose. I appreciate a lot on the path that unfolded. I did get a taste of both the art and Zen life, which I am deeply grateful for. The awakening path unfolded even if I didn’t continue with Zen. Others are on the Zen and art paths, which is also amazing – I am grateful they are fulfilling those roles. On the path that did unfold for me is the current food forest and regeneration project in the Andes, which is amazing.
RELATIONSHIPS ARE MY WEAK POINT
The dream also points out that in waking life, I left the apprentice position because of my girlfriend. She was also an apprentice, left in a hurry for personal reasons, and I decided to follow her. It was also the reason I left the Zen path. (Two different girlfriends.)
In general, a lot of the regrets I have had in life has to do with decisions I made for romantic/relationship reasons. I didn’t go into or stay in relationships that felt deeply right and I would have liked to stay in for longer. I stayed in relationships that felt wrong at a deep level. I left things that were important to me in life, and felt profoundly right, because of relationships.
Relationships seem to be my Achilles heel in this life. I sometimes abandon what feels deeply right, my inner knowing, and myself because of them.