I decided to create a new series of posts on shorter personal notes. These will overlap some in topic with my ongoing journals.
Going through old music favorites
I created two articles with some of my current and older music favorites. I have listened to a lot over the years and have forgotten about many, which is one reason why I am doing it. I want to bring some of them back in my listening.
Here are some of these. Some of them are also surprisingly moving for me.
The perfection of imperfect song
Some of what I am listening to reminds me of how much I sometimes love imperfect song. Singing that’s a little off tune, off beat, or rough around the edges and through that convey emotions or a mood. These three are examples of that each in their own way.
This singing is conventionally perfect, but even here it has little phrasings that don’t quite follow the beat and convey emotions.
Personality & music
I have taken the Big Five personality test a few times, both the short and long versions. I score high on openness (top 5%), high on conscientiousness (top 4%), high on agreeableness (top 7%), average on extraversion/introversion, and low on neuroticism.
It’s interesting to see how our personality colors different aspects of our lives.
When it comes to music, I see that being highly open to new experiences is reflected in my taste. I am always seeking out something new and different.
I am high on conscientiousness. This may be reflected in how I seek out and develop playlists, and in my music-related articles here. I like to keep it somewhat organized. It may also be reflected in that I expand my taste in music while including the old. I don’t usually abandon something I enjoyed in the past, although I may listen to it less frequently.
I am not sure about agreeableness, except that I like music – and art in general – that has heart.
I am average on extraversion and introversion and listen equally to energetic and rhythmical music and lyrical and contemplative music.
I am not sure about how neuroticism comes in although there may be a connection somewhere.
Why do I like certain music?
Why do I like certain music?
It’s impossible to answer properly. It’s a mystery even to myself.
What I can say is that some music resonates with something in me.
The melody, rhythm, or lyrics may be beautiful or fascinating. It may be familiar and what I need. It maybe on the edge of the familiar and unfamiliar, and just what I need. It happens to create the right atmosphere for whatever else I am doing.
AUGUST 21, 2026
Do you meditate? **
Yesterday, MK, a friend from university, asked me that question.
I have to say “no” since I don’t meditate in the way most people – I assume – mean when they ask that question. I don’t have a structured practice where I sit for some minutes one or more times a day.
It’s also more nuanced and complex than that.
I did just that for years and decades, including when I was a resident at the Zen center in Salt Lake City. I would like to get back into it again, at some point, since I know the benefits.
Also, I am drawn to something more fluid, organic, and woven into daily life. I am not even drawn to it, it’s just happening.
There is a noticing that’s here through the day – of my nature, of this human self living his own life and happening as part of the field of experience. There is a noticing of (some of) the dynamics happening within and between this human self and the wider world.
There is a noticing that it’s all already allowed – by space, mind, life. And that it’s already noticed, before it’s consciously noticed and the noticing is reflected back to itself.
There is a noticing of being capacity for the world – this human self and the wider world and any identifications and so on.
There is a noticing of when all this goes into the background and something else comes into the foreground – a task, a fascination, sometimes also attention getting caught in wounds and hangups.
Sometimes, that noticing is more in the foreground and conscious, and other times more in the background and less conscious and less reflected back to itself.
There is a noticing of the fluidity of it all and how all these noticings goes more into the foreground and background, are more conscious and less conscious, and are more reflected back to itself and less.
There is an enjoyment of that fluidity. It feels natural, organic, and interesting.
So the answer is maybe:
- In terms of structured meditaiton…
- I did for many years and even decades
- I would like to get back into it, I know the benefits of it… it just feels good, it does bring in a sense of focus and clarity, it does color the rest of the day in a way my human self likes, it reduces the need for sleep, and so on
- In terms of what meditation is about…
- Much of that is happening in a more fluid, organic, and natural way, and woven into daily life
- It is also often a little more in the background and with less intentional focus
- It flows between being more in the background and foreground through the day and in different situations
The answer is also that I also still do some structured practices. When I channel Vortex Healing, it’s a training of a more stable attention while also noticing all as consciousness and being space for all of it. I also sometimes intentionally notice headlessness. When I walk, I notice how the landscape moves through me and this human self moves within me.
I sometimes – or often – notice this human self living his own life and happening on his own, just like anything else. I sometimes – or often – intentionally notice that all happens within awake space or what a thought may call consciousness.
As so often, the answer to the question – in this case “do you meditate?” – is yes, no, and it depends on what you mean.
AUGUST 24, 2026
Computer-edited self-portrait from the 80s
I came across this self portrait from the 80s, created on my Amiga and with a connected digital camera. This was one in a series but I don’t have access to the rest, at least not here.
AUGUST 26-27, 2026
Family history update: Gunder Andersen Luren
On my father’s side, we can trace our family back until the 1500s and earlier through most lineages except one that stopped in the 1700s. We found the marriage of Gunder Andersen Luren and his wife Helene Barnholt, but not much about his parents. This was something my father had worked on, we had conversation about, and I had looked into it as well.
Tonight, I was able to find a little more information. In his baptism records in Askim for October 14, 1764, he is listed as Guner and his parents as Anders and Gunild at the Luren farm. I searched for the godparents in the farm history, and found some candidates. Ole tambour is likely Ole Olesen (tambour) at Massengen farm. Marthe at Øvre Torp is likely Marthe Hansdatter. Tron seems to have lived at Torphytta. A little more searching suggests that Luren was under Søndre Kolsås farm (on entry says “Luren / S. Kolsås) although the info in the local farm history books is sparse.
It’s also likely that the full names of the parents were Anders Olsen and Gunild Gulliksdatter. This information is from an engagement record in nearby Trøgstad from 1758 where it says that Anders is a soldier from Askim and they are going to Holstein (the Danish-German border). Guner became a soldier so it makes sense if his father was a soldier too. This may also explain why it has been so difficult to find them. If the father, Anders, was a soldier, he may have been positioned in different places at different times.
In nearby Eidsberg, Guner was confirmed in 1780. He is listed as Guner Anderson Presteskogen. This is very likely him based on name, age, and geography. Another person listed at Presteskogen farm is Anders Olsen who may or may not be the same Anders Olsen that is his father. This Anders Olsen married Kari Jørgensdatter in November 1779. It’s possible that Gunild died and Anders remarried, although I have not found those records yet. This Anders Olsen is listed as “ungkarl” / bachelor which suggests it’s not Guner’s father since he would be a widower, although it would be a remarkable coincidence if he lives with someone who is not his father but has the same name as his father. This is all a bit of a mystery still.
I did quite a lot of other searches in the church records for this area with no results, although there is still a lot more to do.
It was exciting to make this small breakthrough and also bitter-sweet. This is normally something I would have shared with two people: My father and GK – another relative I liked a lot (active in the Green Party etc.). My father died in April, and my other relative and friend died in May last year in an accident while cycling around the world. (He fell off a bridge in Asia.) Now, I don’t really have anyone to share this with who would be interested.
AUGUST 28, 2026
My food
A friend, HRH, asked me about what food I eat. It’s mostly simple and nourishing foods.
Mainly, fruits, vegetables, and some grain (mostly quinoa), and also nuts, seeds, and berries.
For breakfast, sometimes a delicious oatmeal porridge cooked with fruit (for instance, mango or apples), coconut flakes, and a seed mix, and with berries (often blueberries or a forest berry mix) and cinnamon on top. Other times, it may be a salad or an omelette.
My main meal is mid-day. In warm weather or climate, often a quinoa salad: Spinach, red pepper, other vegetables, seed mix, feta cheese, olive oil, and spices, on top of quinoa (smoked red pepper, chili, etc.). When it’s colder, it may be something warming like a chili or slow-cooked vegetable stew.
Otherwise, I often snack on nuts, carrots, fruits, some dark chocolate, and so on.
I don’t eat in the evening, apart from maybe small snacks like mentioned above.
I minimize wheat, dairy, and sugar since they don’t work well with my body health. Although sometimes, it’s fine in small amounts.
I also don’t eat much meat. That’s mostly if someone else cooks since I also won’t say no to it.
I drink a lot of herbal and/or spice teas through the day, mostly the first part of the day. Sometimes also lemon water, either hot or cold. I have started to have a coffee on rare occasions.
In general, it’s about amount for me. I don’t exclude anything completely, and there are things I eat a lot and other things I minimize or reserve for special occasion.
I also try to eat organic, local, and in season as much as I can, depending on what’s available where I am. When I lived in Wisconsin and Oregon, the majority was easily local and organic because of the availability.
Why do I eat like I do? Mostly because it feels good. My body and system likes it.
If I eat wheat, dairy, or sugar, or I eat late in the day, I just don’t feel good. If I don’t drink a lot of water early in the day, I also don’t feel good.
Today, I am making fish for lunch with a quinoa salad. Although it’s unusual, I felt I needed it. My body seems to crave it.
Deaths
There has been a lot of death in my life over the last couple of years. Our beloved cat died a couple of years ago in pretty awful circumstances. We had a strong bond and her death had a surprisingly big impact on me. Then, in May last year, two friends in Norway died (GK and TN). A year ago, my mother died, and half a year ago, my father. When I was in England, the closest friend of EU committed suicide just before I came to visit, and yesterday, one of the closest friends of AL – who was also a friend of mine – took his own life.
AUGUST 29, 2026
My life collapsed – now what?
We all have turning points in our lives: birth, first love, moving into our own place, and so on.
For me, one turning point was the oneness shift when I was sixteen.
Another was leaving my inner guidance on a major life decision when I was twenty-seven.
In some ways, according to my mind, my life collapsed then. What was most important to me went out of my life – my graduate degree, my community, my passion for art and meditation – and I was left with a kind of wreckage.
Even now, many years later, I feel I never recovered. I still live with the inner and outer life created by that decision.
I had a very strong calling and everything in place to continue on that path, and left it by going against a very clear inner guidance. I would wake up in panic every morning for months. And I still feel profoundly off track from that major life decision.
So now what?
I am honestly not sure. I know that in the bigger picture, it’s OK. It’s all the divine exploring itself so in that sense, nothing is ever off track. And in another sense, from a more human perspective, life can definitely be more on or off track. When I follow my guidance, it’s on track. When I leave it, it goes off.
And I really feel I am not on track again. Even with the project in the Andes, which is deeply meaningful, I still feel off track from that major decision years ago. I am also pretty sure that my health collapse came from that. It was as if all parts of my life collapsed.
Even if I follow my guidance now, my life still feels off track. It’s on a trajectory that feels wrong and off, as if this is not what was supposed to happen.
And yet, if it happened, it was – in a deeper and more real sense – supposed to happen. I was supposed to act on my fears, wounds, and traumas and go against my guidance, and feel that my whole life collapsed – including my health, finances, relationships, career, and everything else.
Maybe my calling now is to find my way through this somehow. Find a resolution to all this.
Thanking the part of me that creates/ wants illness
I am as rich as the world, and some parts of me wants me to be sick. They want the CFS/ME, the fatigue, and the brain fog.
They want to protect me. They want me to withdraw from risk and dangerous situations, and hide, rest, not be visible, and so on.
They are many parts, and they are one more general part with many aspects.
I am connecting with that part of me. Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for your love for me.
I also want to have a dialog with this part of me. Get to know it, listen to what it has to say, and see how we can be more of a team and work together.
Death & my own pre-incarnation memory
As a child, I had flashbacks to before this incarnation, as I have described in other articles. That colors how I see death. I don’t assume everyone goes there, to that exact place and experience, but I have no doubt that the consciousness we are continues and the content of experience continues. And even that’s not exactly right. At one level, I am open and agnostic and see it as an area of research, and at a more visceral level there is that knowing from experience.
And whatever happens, however this content of experience changes, none of that is really what I am. I am what forms itself into that content. I assume it’s that way for others as well. Their content of experience changes, and they are not essentially any of it.
AUGUST 30, 2026
The death of a friend & it’s all true
Our friend Camilo took his life on Thursday. He was kind, intelligent, fun, engaged. He was troubled and he was eventually violent.
It’s all true. His death is a tragedy and relief. It’s a loss for those near him and the world, and easier.
The human side of it is true, and also the consciousness side. He had a complex, messy, beautiful, tragic human life. I have a mix of human reactions. Also, to me, it’s all happening within and as this awake space I essentially am. To him, his life and world very likely happened within the awake space he was (possibly is), whether that awake space noticed it or not.
I remember life before this incarnation, and people with NDEs describe something similar, so it’s possible – or likely – that the consciousness he is continues, and the dynamics and patterns of his human life also continues in some way.
All of it is true. All of it is here. It’s all here in a visceral way. I guess that’s a kind of lived non-duality. Life is one. Our experience is one. And sometimes that oneness notices itself in a lived and visceral way.
I wrote this because I notice that it’s all here at the same time effortlessly. There is no need to look to notice how each one is true. It’s here and it’s all present.
My home
When I was little, I had flashbacks to my existence before this life. It was all golden light and a profound sense of love and wisdom and of being home.
That has always felt like my home, and when the oneness shift happened when I was sixteen, I realized that was home. The divine as all without exception is home. I had never left it. It was always here, and all that was needed was a shift in noticing.
Since then, it’s been an ongoing exploration for me to notice this as home. To notice what was before this life here. To notice all as the divine – as consciousness. To notice the wholeness, fullness, and richness of it all – of life, experience – happening within and as the divine.
Of course, I have many homes. This bodymind. This world. Where I am staying now. My birthplace. My place in the Andes. My “tribe”. My family and friends.
September 2, 2026
A place to rest
I have CFS/ME and desperately need a place to rest, and even if it has been my main priority I have rarely found it.
In Oregon in the 2000s, I had a house in a nice and quiet neighborhood in the South Hills (5060 Saratoga street). The problem is that we had a neighbor who was likely retired and blasted out rock classics from his garage from early morning to late night. This happened daily for a decade. It would get better for a few days whenever someone talked with him about it, and then it was back to the extreme volume.
When I lived in Ski in the 2010s, it should also in theory be a quiet neighborhood. In reality, the neighbors took turns doing major renovation of their houses so I was surrounded by near-constant building noise for another decade. Last year, the final year before the house was sold, the closest neighbor did a major renovation, and in addition to the building noise, the workers put a radio on full blast on the roof. I talked with them and the owner about it, but they all said it was nothing that could be done. They had to keep it at full blast on the roof. (It didn’t seem to occur to them that they could turn it down or off.)
My cabin here in Norway is in a national park, so that should also in theory be quiet. In reality, the closest neighbor installed a very noisy water pump and put it right next to my cabin and far away from his. He lives there full time so the pump turns on regularly through the day. In the past, I have been there as much as I could, often for weeks and months at a time. Since he installed that water pump two years ago, I have not been there. I have avoided going there because of the noise.
When we built the small house at our place in the Andes, I saw that the building location was right at the edge of the property so any sounds from the road below would reach the house without any hindrance. I brought this up to the architects and the others involved in the project, but they all dismissed it and said it would be no problem. If it was up to me, I would have built a few meters further in from the edge so there would be no direct line from the road to the house. Exactly as I thought, and knew, there is now a lot of noise from the road – especially early mornings when workers travel along that road on old and noisy motorbikes. Even just a few meters further in, where I wanted to build the house, the sound is dampened and it’s much more quiet.
Where I am currently staying at the edge of the forest in Oslo, the wall next to my head is shared with the kitchen. When the kitchen cabinet doors are closed, the sound is amplified and it sounds like someone is hitting the wall hard next to my head. Since my friend is here during the day, it makes it impossible to get good rest during the day. Neighbors slams doors through the night which also wakes me up, usually many times each night. So I have no reliable rest during the day or night.
Otherwise too, I seem to be followed by noise to the extent that others notice and comment on it.
SEPTEMBER 4, 2026
Straw man arguments
I woke up remembering my conversation with VS last week. He is interested in much the same as me, but with a seemingly different starting point. From what he said, his starting points – including for articles he is writing – is that feminists blame men, and that “nobody” combines an interest in domination/partnership culture and the axis time philosophies.
These are partly my words, and I realize I need to ask him more questions to really understand what he means. He kept it at an abstract and general level without much real-life examples.
For me, with my impression from our conversation, it seems he is using something close to straw man arguments. Feminism is about equal value and opportunities for men and women. Also, many people explore power over/power with in combination with Buddhism, Taoism, and other worldviews that came from the axis period, and also how many of those axis philosophies reflect patriarchy and an idea of separation in different ways.
Fritjof Capra and Joanna Macy are just a couple that I have followed since my teens. (Some others: Riane Eisler, Margaret Wheatley, Charlene Spretnak, Jeremy Lent, David Loy., bell hooks, Lama Tsultrim Allione.)
It’s easy for me to see this as a straw man argument. People use a distorted presentation of something and argue against, or from, that distorted presentation. It’s unfortunate and a disservice to whatever topic they are discussing.
For instance, a friend of mine (MR) is a professor in regenerative agriculture, and seems to have an unhealthy obsession with permaculture. She presents permaculture as using the same set of plants everywhere and in any climate, which will inevitably fail. This is just about the opposite of what permaculture actually is. Permaculture is a set of design principles, and you apply those to your local conditions and with your local knowledge. We use permaculture principles at Finca Milagros, in combination with plants that work well in that specific climate – including natives as much as possible.
In some cases when people use straw man arguments, it seems to come from a combination of (a) not being very familiar with the topic, or being overly colored by their particular introduction to it, and (b) an emotional hangup.
Of course, a world where straw man arguments exist is more interesting. And I didn’t really understand what SV was talking about since it was so abstract, so I may inevitably use a straw man argument in talking about that conversation!
Also, I am definitely colored by my particular introduction to these topics (Fritjof Capra and the ones he draws on) and I have some hangups around it, including that I see the approach I was first introduced to as the default. (It’s the default for me, and that doesn’t mean it’s the default for others.)
Water & Finca Milagros
For several reasons, including the super-El Niño, there is already a severe water shortage at Finca Milagros.
It has taken a very long time (more than two years) to get the rainwater collection system for the big house installed and functional. It’s 95% there, but the contractor stopped just before finishing to work on other projects and we don’t know when he will be back.
We lost the rainwater collection system for the small house when a big part of the roof collapsed two years ago. I wanted to set up a temporary patch so we could still collect water from the remaining roof (it would just require some hoses etc.) but the contractor has been unwilling to do it.
We receive extra water from a spring. This water now goes into a pond, which is fine when we have enough water. I have long wanted to get a hose to the main water tank so it can go there in an emergency, but that has also not happened.
From the beginning, I have advocated for hardy native food producing plants, and a selection of hardy non-native food producers closer to the houses. The others, including our main garden guy (who is generally excellent and a blessing) have not taken this seriously. They have assumed we’ll always have enough water, while I have expected and known that water would be a problem in the future. Now, it is. The gardener says we can expect a lot of the plants to die in the coming months since they require extra watering, and we won’t be able to do it.
A lot of these problems are a combination of (a) me not having been there for 1.5 years, (b) others not taking the water situation seriously enough, (c) problems with contractors, and mainly (d) me not pushing hard enough even if I am in Norway and not there.
The main problem is on the human side, not with El Niño. It’s just highlighted by El Niño.
I cannot really complain since I know I could and should have pushed harder for this to be done.
Higher cognitive functions, an expensive luxury
I went to the cabin yesterday to do a few projects, and since I have CFS I am curious about the effects of this trip. I usually have some kind of crash (PEM) although the severity and expression varies a lot.
After coming back from the cabin, I notice that my system is generally OK but it’s withdrawing energy from higher cognitive functions. It’s difficult for me to think clearly, focus, have a normal conversation, and so on. It’s as if the mind briefly goes there, as a quick touch, and then withdraws energy.
The bodymind has an amazing ability to adapt and adjust. In this case, it reserves energy for essential body functions and basic mental functioning. Since the energy reservoir is down, and there is not enough for everything, it pulls energy from executive cognitive functions. After all, those are the least important.
It’s interesting that in our Western culture, we value higher cognitive functions over anything else. And from the view out of bodymind, and survival, those are the least important. They are an expensive luxury.
Of course, that’s why it’s valued so highly in some cultures. It shows that other basic needs are sufficiently covered and there is enough leftover resources – in culture, society, and for certain individuals – to engage and explore those higher cognitive functions.
When it’s time to know **
A few days ago, I talked with a friend (RW) in Oregon. She asked me if I have plans for the coming weeks or months, and I said I don’t really know. For now, I’ll stay here and then I’ll see. At some point, I’ll need to go back to our land in the Andes to take care of things there, ideally before February next year due to the visa.
I don’t really know where I’ll be in the longer term. There are no obvious options right now. The land in the Andes seems complicated, especially considering climate change. The Zen center in The Netherlands or Spain is an option, although I am not sure if I am cut out for that life anymore. (I used to love it.) Amritapuri would be amazing, but it was very hard on my body and health when I was there. (That may, of course, be different next time. Or not!)
She seemed uneasy about my not knowing, and started giving me options and pushing for them. That brought up some overwhelm in me, and it created a somewhat weird and uncomfortable dynamic.
I am familiar with not knowing. It’s not time to know yet. And at some point, something will present itself and the way forward – at least for the next weeks or months – will be clear. Before then, it’s not time to know yet.
In this situation, pushing won’t help. I can explore options, and that’s often quite helpful. I can gather information and imagine myself in different scenarios and see how it feels. But to push for knowing doesn’t work. That’s just uncomfortable, confusing, and overwhelming.
To use the metaphor from my recent dream: Pushing for clarity is like going to war in Russia. Waiting for clarity, while gathering information and imagining myself in the different scenarios, is like designing bikes locally. I much prefer the second option.
[Made into a regular article]
AUGUST 7, 2026
Me as a boy: exhaustion, hurt, and throwing away a gift
When I was five or six, I was in London with my parents. At the end of a long day with museums and more, I was exhausted and wanted coke in a can, which was my favorite. Where we were, likely Trafalgar Square, they only had coke in a bottle. I had a completely meltdown. My parents bought me a small folding knife with shimmering marble on one side and the picture of a beefeater on the other. I threw it on the ground in frustration and despair.
I know that little boy who feels exhausted, hurt, and overwhelmed with frustration. He may also feel that he was not seen or understood towards the end of an exhausting day which likely was far too much for most children that age.
I am also thinking that his desire for Coca Cola may have been very wise. Even now, I occasionally need Coca Cola to help my energy levels if I am out doing things. It’s a good emergency strategy to fulfill a real need. Of course, the can vs bottle was more of a preference and although it felt hugely important, it wasn’t really in that situation.
His dynamics has come up later in life and I have sometimes thrown the knife on the ground.
Some years ago, I was in a relationship with a woman from Switzerland. It was everything I had ever wished for in a relationship. I needed to go back to Norway for some months to finish a project, and towards the end of that period, she said she had met someone else and wasn’t sure what she wanted. I think that because of my absence, she was uncertain about my commitment. At some point later, I felt hurt, the little boy came up, and I told her she could go into the other relationship. I threw it all away, even if it easily could have gone in the other direction – with us continuing – if I only had put energy there. I did something that hurt me deeply emotionally, and also in many ways hurt my life.
Losses
The last fifteen+ year has been a series of losses: My first marriage. Everything I owned. A relationship that was everything I had wished for. Several opportunities in several areas of life. My health. Over the last year, both of my parents, my childhood home, my second marriage, and quite possibly my dream project and land in the Andes which I profoundly love and where I had envisioned myself grow old. And much more.
What comes together falls apart, and for me, it seems to fall apart rapidly… as soon as it gets some traction, and sometimes before it even starts.
Right now, I feel lost. I don’t see my way forward. I would love community. I would love to be in nature and be involved in regeneration.
Not going with the groups I feel the most aligned with
I notice a pattern in my life. I have often not taken the step to explore a romantic relationship with the women I have felt most resonance with and have been the most attracted to. And I have often not been fully involved with the groups I have felt the most aligned with.
For instance, I feel deeply aligned with Vækstsenteret in Denmark, and have only been there once, in the ’90s. I feel deeply aligned with Process Work / Process Oriented Psychology, did workshops regularly for twenty years, and lived not far from the main center located in Portland, Oregon, but I never pursued an official training through them – even if I easily could have and it would have been perfect for me. I absolutely love the Headless Way, and have talked with Richard Lang, taken a couple of workshops with him, and joined some Zoom meetings, but I have not gotten more involved. (I am not even sure why, since I resonate with it so deeply. Maybe it’s because it’s simple and I already have it with me in daily life.)
Instead, I have been involved in relationship and with groups where there clearly was much less alignment.
I can see that pattern in my childhood. I did have some good friends and friends I was aligned with, and didn’t always value those friendships as much as I should have. I also tried to be friends with kids who were not so good friends and where there was not a good match.
There are exceptions: I did live at the Zen center in Salt Lake City for a while, although I wish I had lived there much longer. I did go fully in to Breema, Kiloby Inquiries, and Vortex Healing. (And, to some extent, The Work of Byron Katie and TRE.) I have had relationships that felt deeply right, although they didn’t last very long.
Looks good, then collapses
Several times in my life, something has come into my life that is what I have deeply wished for or that feels like an amazing gift. (Much of this is what many people see as routine in their lives, like having a partner that feels right, education, work that feels right, a good place to live, and so on.)
The pattern for me is that it starts and unfolds for a while, and then collapses. Or the opportunity collapses before it even starts.
Sometimes, it seems outside of what I can influence.
For instance, when the CFS dramatically worsened in the 2000s, I was offered my dream job shortly after. This was a job I had prepared for over the last decade, and it was almost beyond my dreams, and I had to say no to it.
When I tried to apply for the PhD program at CIIS, strange things kept happening over several years which collapsed the possibility before it even happened. […]
And often, I can see how my own actions – from my own wounds and traumas – nudges a situation to collapse, or to not even start.
My first serious relationship was everything I had dreamt about and more. She wanted us to get married, and I felt hurt by the way she said it. (She gave me an ultimatum.) I was unable to express my hurt and that I also wanted us to get married. So it all fell apart. We both wanted the same, and yet it fell apart because of my inability to say what I wanted. We stayed close friends for a long time after, and I deeply wished to restart the relationship, but didn’t say anything so nothing happened. All of that is a pattern.
The collapse pattern is also happening with the land and project in the Andes right now. It all looked very good and in some cases it unfolded in a miraculous way. This too was much more than I had ever dreamt of. And it’s now collapsing, mainly through what I didn’t say to others involved, which would have helped everyone if I had said it.
For instance, I didn’t share that I have an architecture background, so they didn’t want me to do the design for the first house. This led to us hiring (inexperienced) architects and it ended up being a disaster and a source of ongoing stress and conflict. (I was very unhappy with the result. Also, the roof collapsed in less than two years, nearly killing us in our sleep. The architects consistently used a strategy of deny and attack, including suing us even if a third-party report found them responsible.)
Also, at a personal level, not expressing what I wished for, which was a continued relationship, has now led to misunderstandings and more collapses. At this point, it feels like everything for me has fallen apart there.
In general, I am not sharing about my own skills and experience, and I am not sharing what I want, which is often what the others want as well. They then fill in with their own assumptions, including that I am not interested, so it falls apart.
Of course, what comes together falls apart. That’s universal, and it’s a universal part of human life and the life of all beings. And yet, when I so often play a so clear role, and things fall apart just because I haven’t been clear about something important – which the other typically would want and like to hear – then it’s tragic. It points to something I need to change in myself. There is an energy and discomfort there inviting me to make those changes.
My pattern is obviously inherited from my birth family where a lot of things were unsaid, and there was a taboo to say many things.
A thin veil
I definitely have a sense of a thin veil.
Everything is happening within and as consciousness in my first person experience, and I assume it may be that for existence as a whole too. Everything we call physical is clearly made of consciousness, in my own direct experience, and everything else too.
What I remember from the flashbacks to before this life is also here, in essence. All as consciousness. A sense of being home. Love. I can find that here too.
With improved sensing through Vortex Healing, I seem to be able to connect with consciousnesses after their associated body falls away. (Sorry for the awkward wording! It’s difficult to find a natural way to talk about it that’s also somewhat accurate.) I sense their state, what’s going on for them, and how it changes over time. There is a surprising diversity here. I have not sensed the same or even very similar with two. (I have compared notes with others who can sense this and it seems we are sensing the same.) Maybe this thin veil sense is amplified since several people in my life has died over the last 1.5 years, and I have connected with them after the body fell away.
This is a little different, but when I was close to dying from sepsis a few years ago, the center of gravity moved into Big Mind and there was a curiosity about the transition when this body falls away. As consciousness, I assume I’ll still be here, the body falls away, and something else fills content of experience. I don’t know exactly what. I suspect it may be immensely familiar, and also surprising in many ways.
SEPTEMBER 12, 2026
A precious visit
I have always felt that this life is precious beyond words and far beyond what most humans understand.
From the perspective of existence and the universe, this life is infinitely precious and rare. Even if there is life other places in the universe, it’s not like this.
Also, because of my flashbacks to life between this life, I see that as home and this as a visit. A precious visit with experiences I cannot otherwise have.
From both of these perspectives, this life is infinitely precious.
How do I experience the brain fog?
How do I experience the brain fog?
It came on New Year’s Day when I was fifteen. The brain fog came over just a few seconds in the middle of that day and it was the start of what I – and doctors – later realized was CFS/ME.
I experience in several different ways.
The immediate experience is of a fog or cotton in and around the head.
It’s expressed in several ways. I have trouble finding words. I can’t take in much information at a time. I have trouble reading anything longer than a short article. My thinking is often not very clear. Any cognitive processing – including conversations or listening to someone talking – makes me tired, drained, and leads to PEM. When I have PEM, I sometimes have trouble making decisions.
My system is likely prioritizing energy for keeping me alive, and is down-prioritizing higher cognitive functions. After all, those are luxuries in the context of survival and getting through the day with limited energy.
There are a few more things here:
A part of me may want the brain fog to protect me. It allows me to withdraw and hide. That doesn’t mean it has created it, but it certainly makes use of it.
In the early 2010s, I woke up one morning without brain fog. It was amazing and lasted just a few minutes, and then the brain fog returned.
SEPTEMBER 19, 2026
Profoundly off track
In my late twenties, I went against my clear inner guidance on a major issue, and it felt like my life got profoundly off track.
In terms of the obvious in the world, it went clearly off track. And internally, in my experience of myself and relationship with myself, it went even more off track.
I wasn’t even able to continue my deep meditation and art practices since going there was too painful. It just got me more in touch with my inner guidance telling me – non-stop and for years – to get out of that situation, and the pain of not acting on it.
Of course, the reason I got into this situation, and was unable to get out of it, had to do with traumas. I had missed several relationship opportunities because of my shyness (AKA fear of talking about it or initiating it), got into a relationship with someone who was not a good match for me, and felt responsible for putting her needs and desires above my own. It was a debacle created by my own wounds and traumas very likely related to mother issues.
This had major consequences in all areas of my life and led to the loss of most of my dreams. It led to not having children. Not finding the right partner at a crucial phase in my life. Not finishing my (then) graduate degree. It likely also led to the CFS dramatically worsening about ten years later (combined with pneumonia and mold).
At a human and inner-guidance level, this is very real.
In a bigger picture, nothing ever goes off track. It’s all the divine and life exploring itself in always new ways. It’s part of the exploration of existence. In immediacy, it’s all – all my mental representations of all of this, the track, being off track, someone being off track – happening within and as this awake space.
Back to my human level, I wonder what I can do to feel I am getting back on track again. I had thought and felt that the amazing regeneration project in the Andes would be it, and I feel deeply connected to that place, but that is all more uncertain now.
How would it feel to be back on track? How may it look? How can I make very small steps in that direction, here and now?
See next entry for an update on this.
SEPTEMBER 20, 2026
Resisting healing abilities
When I was fifteen, I started seeing energies (auras) and also discovered I had sensing and healing abilities. About the same time, or shortly after, I found a book about a South American healer who resisted using his abilities and wanted to live an ordinary life, became sick, and then recovered when he started offering his healing abilities to the community.
At the time, I had a sense that could be me too. I didn’t want to be public about my healing abilities, and only a few very close to me knew about it. I kept that, as so much else, private and hidden from the world, and often most of those who knew me.
I got very sick in the late 2000s, and this has been in the back of my mind. Maybe I need to use my healing abilities more openly? After all, the ability is here to help people.
I was lucky enough to find Vortex Healing about ten years ago (winter/spring 2016), and that has given me a way to be more open about it. It has given it a name, some structure, and a way to talk about it. I have still not been very open about it, but maybe it’s time.
In any case, it may be time – just because it can help people, and also help me in different ways.
SEPTEMBER 24, 2026
What if we could choose our dreams?
An analogy from Alan Watts often comes to my mind, especially when life feels more challenging.
What if I could choose the content of my dreams?
I may start with dreams that are easy and fulfill my wishes and waking life dreams.
After a while, mere wish fulfillment gets boring. So I may choose to add some challenges to spice it up.
I realize that knowing what will happen makes it less interesting, so I choose to not know what will happen.
I also realize that it would be more interesting to forget I am dreaming while I am dreaming. That makes the stakes feel higher.
And I may also choose to add some real challenges. Something my personality doesn’t like at all. That spices it up even more.
All of this combined – forgetting I am dreaming while dreaming, not knowing what will happen, and a mix of enjoyable and challenging experiences – makes it all more interesting and spicy.
And that’s exactly how this life is. My life is exactly as it would be if it was a dream and chose the parameters of that dream.
SEPTEMBER 29, 2026
Profoundly at home in existence, a wanderer in this world
I feel profoundly at home in existence, and yet have struggled with finding my home in this world.
I guess that’s not uncommon. I have a chronic illness which, combined with trauma, has made a career, relationships, a settled life, a family on my own, and so on, challenging.
When I was nineteen, I contacted Aake Yri who advertised for earth acupuncture in an alternative magazine in Norway. He introduced me to I Ching, asked it about me, and got 1 – Heaven, and 56 – The Wanderer.
I went to Tanum in Oslo shortly after, got the Richard Wilhelm translation of I Ching, and threw the coins asking about me, just like he had done. I also got 1 transforming to 56…! It was quite a shock, and likely what I needed to trust it and synchronicities more.
The chances of that happening is roughly one in 10,000…!
I remember I was content with 1 – Heaven, but not 56 – The Wanderer. I didn’t want to be a wanderer, and also didn’t see myself as one. Looking back at my life now, I see that it was accurate.
I took the meaning to be heaven = awakening, my nature recognizing itself, and wandered = a wanderer in the world, and both of those have been central themes in my life.
OCTOBER 2, 2026
I never had second parents
I saw a friend of mine posting on social media about someone who was like a second mum for her.
It reminds me that growing up, I wished I had someone like that in my life. But I didn’t have adults in my life who were close. I never had second parents.
A lot of the wounds and traumas from my childhood is for that reason. The family dynamics were all I was exposed to, even if I longed for and was very aware that something more healthy is out there and even relatively common.
If I had children, I would have made sure they had second parents, and ideally several. Relatively healthy adults they could have a close relationship with, rely on, learn from, and go to if they needed someone to talk with.
Simple pleasures **
Because of the CFS/ME, I have learned to take simple pleasures seriously.
It’s easy to talk about simple pleasures, and still slightly dismiss them. They are fine, but what really counts is something else.
For me, it’s not so much like that anymore. They are what counts. When they are here, they are all that’s here. They are my world.
It’s always like that. Anything I would want to compare with is not here, other than in my imagination. They are fantasies. What’s real to me is what’s here. And I have learned to take that seriously.
Dependent on others
In our culture, many seem to think that healthy people are generally independent and chronically ill people are dependent.
That’s true in a limited and conventional sense.
It’s also not true in a more real sense. We are all hugely dependent – on each other, healthy ecosystems, the world, existence itself, and also on ourselves. As they say in the Zen meal chant: First, seventy-two labors brought us this food, we should know how it comes to us.
Where we put our imaginary baseline
The independence/dependence line mentioned above is cultural, imagined, and somewhat arbitrary.
Where we put our imaginary baselines matters hugely. It colors our perception of certain aspects of the world and ourselves, and that, in turn, colors how we live our lives.
For instance, where to I put the baseline of dependence? In a very real sense, we are all hugely interdependent and dependent. We are part of the web of life and depends on its existence and it’s health for our own existence and health.
Where do I put the baseline for a worthwhile life? For me, it’s at existence. Any life is worthwhile as it is.
Where do I put the baseline for enjoyment and fulfillment? For me, it’s in the simple everyday pleasures. Sitting on a bench in the sun. Having an orange. Drinking a good cup of herbal or spice tea. Listening to wonderful music. Anything else is icing on the cake.
And, of course, we can have several baselines. I have these more fundamental ones, and then others that I am very aware are cultural and arbitrary but it helps to know and understand then to understand and communicate with others.
Threads through my life
It’s easy to see several threads through my life.
As a child, I had flashbacks to my existence before this – all is consciousness, a profound sense of being home, an all-encompassing sense of love, and so on. Then, there was the oneness shift when I was sixteen and a continued exploration of myself as consciousness, and the world – as it appears to me – as happening within and as the consciousness I am.
As a child, I had a sense or intuition that life and existence is far more than what was conventionally presented to me in my culture. I was interested in the paranormal and so on, and also discoveries through science. That has continued. I know that what I (think I) know are guesses about the world, and that what I don’t know is immense.
As a child, I loved being in nature. It was just a natural part of my daily life – in the garden, in the forest, picking berries with my parents, at the cabin, and so on. That’s still with me.
As a child, I loved reading. I read before I started school and read a huge number of books. That continued through adulthood. It’s only more recently that I have been unable to read much because of the brain fog and CFS.
As a child, I loved drawing and – to some extent – painting. That continued, with the inclusion of photography. (I haven’t been drawing or painting much since my early twenties but hope to bring it more back.)
As a child, I was exposed to art in daily life. Our house was filled with art, and my parents would take me to art museums through Europe. I continued to love art and beauty.
OCTOBER 11, 2026
Help me to dream a better dream
This life is like a dream. It happens within and as consciousness just like night dreams. It’s fleeting, just like night dreams. Our nature is what all content of experience happens within and as, just like in night dreams.
When I connect with the divine (it’s all the divine), I often ask for transformation – of this human self, of clarification, deepening, maturing, living more often and deeply from and as my nature recognizing itself, and so on.
Sometimes, I ask for help to dream a better dream. During the initial oneness and awakening phase, I was in a honeymoon phase and dreamt dreams mostly very pleasant and good for this human self. Later, and especially the last fifteen years, I have dreamt dreams that are often nightmares.
And now, I am asking for help to dream more pleasant dreams again – of a life that’s more enjoyable for this human self… good health, resources, living in nature, meaningful projects, good friendships, a romantic relationship that feels deeply right, and so on.
This is the divine – locally and now – inviting itself to dream that dream, through and as this human self.
OCTOBER 11, 2026
I am nothing
I am nothing.
My direct experience and noticing is that I am nothing.
There is nothing here. That nothing takes the appearance of this human self, his words and actions, the wider world, and any and all content of experience.
It all amounts to nothing. It happens within and as nothing. And it’s also important to play the game, and play it as well as this human self is able to.
It’s sometimes unnerving to notice that he lives his own life
I keep noticing things in daily life that feels like a fresh noticing and insight, and it is a fresh noticing and insight, and I also remember that I have noticed it before. Often, I noticed it at the very beginning of the oneness shift in my teens.
This is one of those.
I notice that this human self happens on his own and lives his own life, like anything else in the world and the field of experience. It all happens on its own and lives its own life.
That noticing is always there in the background, and sometimes it comes more to the foreground. It’s more consciously notices.
When that happens, there is sometimes a slight reaction from this human self and his psyche. He gets unnerved by it. He feels slightly unease. There is still a sense that “someone” needs to be there to take charge.
That’s noticed too, and noticed for what it is – a reaction that comes from old patterns and what he learned from family and society.
And there is a noticing that that’s OK too. All of this is fine. It’s all familiar.
This human self always happens on his own and lives his own life, whether or not that’s recognized. The difference is the noticing, which does influence and color his life and activities. The noticing of it is familiar. His slight uneasiness around it is familiar. And it’s all OK as it is.
I am guessing
Here is another noticing that feels fresh and new, and I also remember it felt like that in the early oneness phase in my teens.
I am guessing.
My thoughts about the world and myself and anything at all are guesses.
I don’t know anything for certain. These are guesses to help this human self navigate, orient, and function in the world.
And that’s fine. It’s more than fine, it’s beautiful. It’s fascinating. It keeps it all new and fresh. There is always more to discover, experience, learn, see.
There is some validity in any thought and viewpoint, and it’s fascinating to explore that and the wider perspectives that holds many different viewpoints.
And, of course, not all guesses are equal. Some are more grounded in experience and reality than others, and they are better suited as guidelines for this human self – and for us collectively – than others.
OCTOBER 15, 2026
Resolve & repair **
An example of resolve & repair: Last week in Budapest, AL and her mum went to the thermal baths and we planned to meet mid-afternoon for dinner. I didn’t eat between breakfast and then, was hungry when I met them, and got impatient when they spent what seemed like ages asking detailed questions about the different food options. AL got upset and reacted to my impatience, and we both felt hurt and misunderstood.
In talking about it, it was clear that my impatience and impatient words came from fear. I was hungry and scared of crashing, which happens with CFS if I don’t eat soon enough. I also realized that I had not eaten earlier because I didn’t want to ruin my appetite before dinner with them. That set up the situation, and came from a good intention.
It would have been better for me to eat earlier, before meeting them. Also, after meeting them and walking the ten minutes to the restaurant, I could have noticed what was happening, taken it seriously, and had something quick to eat before reaching the restaurant. And if I had been aware of what happened in the restaurant, I could have told them I needed to eat soon and asked if I could order first.
I shared all this with her, and it helped us both understand the situation better.
In my experience, any kind of reactivity and unkind understandings of a situations comes from not seeing and understanding it in detail. And when we can go through it in some depth and detail, what’s revealed is innocence and that it’s not personal.
This helps us find a more kind and real understanding, a shared understanding, repair, finding solutions for similar future situations, finding concrete strategies to change similar future situations, and it inevitably changes all similar future dynamics and interactions.
OCTOBER 18, 2026
A blessing to not speak Spanish so well?
I haven’t been able to learn Spanish very well yet. That’s because my life in the Andes, when I have been there, has been absorbed into the finca project and I haven’t had resources for much else. I already have quite limited resources because of my health situation. I also haven’t been there for very long at a time. Most of the time, I have been in Norway because of the health situation of my parents and the sale of their house.
I see a blessing here. If I knew better Spanish, I would be far more engaged in what’s happening locally and nationally. I would be much more engaged on social media and here too, and also likely in person. And since I tend to not hold back, and have a very low tolerance for authoritarianism, corruption, destruction of nature, and so on, it would put me at a very real risk.
Maybe it’s good for me to stay relatively incompetent in Spanish, at least for the foreseeable future.
OCTOBER 16, 2026
Date synchronicities
- amma
- Ale – same date, restart + initial FB connection, traveling w. her parents, first the masculine, then the feminine
I love feminism and woke | far right distorts, and the left adopts
I want to live in a world where women are valued as much as men, and have the same opportunities in life. I also want to value, appreciate, develop, and use my own feminine and masculine traits.
Far right distorts, and the left adopt.
Draft fragments
Find worldview to fit my immediate nothing/perception
Our direct perception is filtered through and colored by our mental worldview.
And I have also experienced seeking out worldviews that fit my immediate perception.
- oneness taste age 12 or so
- oneness shift age 16
Slow down
NOISE AND THE DARK NIGHT
THE UPSIDES AND DOWNSIDES OF BEING ON MY OWN IN THE INITIAL ONENESS SHIFT **
TRAUMA AND WOUNDS FROM EARLY IN LIFE
AI Feedback
It’s September 2 and I asked ChatGPT for feedback on my journals in Oslo and London this year. Its response is relatively accurate so I thought I would add it here.
Patterns from Oslo and London journals (AI)
Based mainly on your recent journal sequence—Amritapuri, London, Oslo May–July, Oslo August, and Oslo September—this is what stands out to me.
These are not really travel journals. The places provide the setting, but the real subject is how you meet life from moment to moment: your body and energy, dreams, relationships, old wounds, beauty, spiritual practice, grief, uncertainty, and the question of where and how to live.
The central impression is of someone who has an unusually rich inner life while living within severe outer limitations. Your physical life has been made smaller by ME/CFS, but your experiential world has not become small. A walk along a river, a museum visit, a conversation, a dream, a bench in the sun, or a bodily reaction can open into several layers of observation and meaning. You continually make a world out of relatively little.
You are extraordinarily self-observant. You don’t simply notice that you are tired, uncomfortable, lonely, self-conscious, or afraid. You notice the sensations, the thoughts interpreting them, the older wound they may connect with, the strategy that wound produces, and the larger spiritual context. That is a real capacity. It also means that almost nothing remains “just an experience”; nearly everything becomes material for understanding, healing, or spiritual exploration.
A major movement in the journals is from complexity back toward simplicity. You have accumulated a huge range of practices, frameworks, and experiences—Zen, Breema, inquiry, Vortex Healing, Amma, psychology, dreams, integral perspectives. But you now seem less interested in adding more and more interested in what is natural, intuitive, embodied, and actually helpful. You increasingly value resting, walking, friendship, beauty, simple food, ordinary pleasure, and doing what your body genuinely allows.
You are deeply sincere, perhaps sometimes almost burdened by sincerity. You want to see what is true even when it is painful or unflattering. You admit neediness, resentment, self-sabotage, envy, fear, loneliness, poor decisions, and the ways you may have helped create your present situation. You do not present yourself as spiritually perfected. That makes the journals feel much more human than most spiritual writing.
At the same time, you may sometimes accept too much responsibility. The clearest example is your interpretation that you “steered” your life toward loneliness and loss. There is truth in recognizing recurring choices, but the journals also show how profoundly your options have been constrained by illness, limited energy, finances, geography, childhood conditioning, and the practical difficulty of maintaining relationships when you frequently cannot participate or respond. Your self-accountability is valuable, but it can slide into a form of self-blame that underestimates circumstances.
The wound around being unlovable appears to be one of the main organizing patterns in your emotional life. You repeatedly connect it with being left to cry as an infant, your mother’s emotional distance and anger, school bullying, and the experience that visibility or success attracted hostility. In your own understanding, this produced several protective strategies:
- withdrawing before you can be rejected;
- ending or avoiding what feels deeply right;
- making yourself less visible;
- expecting relationships and good circumstances not to last;
- interpreting other people’s lack of initiative as evidence that you do not matter;
- feeling safer longing for a good life than fully entering it.
What is important is that the journals do not show only the wound. They show you increasingly recognizing it as a protective system rather than as the truth about you. You thank these parts for trying to protect you, question their conclusions, and experiment with giving yourself the love and support you did not experience consistently earlier.
There is a striking tension between independence and longing for belonging. You are highly independent in thought, lifestyle, geography, and spiritual exploration. You have repeatedly moved between countries, communities, and worldviews. Yet the journals make clear that you deeply want a stable circle of people, a home, mutual care, and possibly a family or partner. You have found genuine belonging in Zen, Breema, Amma, Vortex Healing, and ecological communities, but usually only temporarily—often because you moved again. Your independence has protected and enlarged you, but it has also repeatedly interrupted belonging.
Home is perhaps the deepest outer theme. London briefly becomes home even though the flat is borrowed. The childhood home is gone. Your parents are gone. The house in Colombia has been physically and psychologically damaged. The cabin is difficult to access. Amritapuri offers spiritual belonging but is hard on your body. You are staying generously with a friend, yet cannot remain indefinitely. When you say you feel “afloat,” it is both literal and existential.
This helps explain why your dreams repeatedly involve houses, rooms, estates, islands, lost belongings, temporary accommodation, and possible places to settle. They seem to ask: Where can I rest? What is still mine? Where do I belong? What kind of life is both enlivening and physically sustainable?
Your relationship with illness is unusually integrated into everyday consciousness. When you are alone, you say the ME/CFS becomes almost invisible because you have built your life inside its limits. It becomes visible in contrast with other people’s lives. That is a very precise observation. The journals show considerable skill in pacing and adaptation, but also the enormous hidden labor of managing symptoms: monitoring noise, sleep, food, exertion, social exposure, travel, and possible crashes. Even a pleasant day carries calculations that healthy people rarely have to make.
You have a strong aesthetic temperament. Museums, architecture, music, drawings, old pubs, flowering trees, sunlight, rivers, beautifully made objects, and the atmosphere of places matter greatly to you. You do not relate to beauty as decoration. It is nourishment, orientation, memory, and sometimes a doorway into the sacred. London seems especially enlivening because it gives this side of you a rich field in which to move.
You are also both mystical and analytical. Experiences of the divine, sensing your parents after death, energetic healing, dreams, and nondual perception are presented as real parts of your life. Yet you also qualify claims, distinguish experience from interpretation, criticize spiritual clichés, and compare ideas against your own observation. You are not conventionally credulous or conventionally skeptical. You seem to want a worldview spacious enough for both science and anomalous experience.
Your ethics are relational and ecological. Perspective-taking matters strongly to you. You are disturbed not just by disagreement but by people’s inability or unwillingness to imagine other lives and circumstances. Your concern with regeneration, climate, social systems, animals, and marginalized people belongs to the same underlying orientation: life is interdependent, and responsible action begins with perceiving beyond one’s narrow viewpoint.
The recent journals also document a genuine threshold. Both parents have died, the childhood home is gone, your marriage and Colombian future are uncertain, and some older dreams no longer seem viable. You are sorting possessions, family history, finances, unfinished projects, and possible futures. It can feel like “putting life in order” near its end, but it reads more to me as the end of a life structure. The identities of son, husband, land-restorer in Colombia, future family man, and member of particular communities are all being reconsidered at once.
Underneath the grief, I see a quieter question emerging: What is the simplest life that would actually nourish me and that my body can sustain?
Your September war dream puts it very clearly. One option is violent, ambitious, and impossible for your health; the other is local, constructive, creative, and manageable. The journals increasingly favor the second: a smaller geographical and practical radius, perhaps, but not necessarily a lesser life.
My shortest characterization would be:
You appear to be a highly open, conscientious, sensitive, aesthetically oriented, spiritually experiential, and unusually reflective person whose central struggle is not a lack of insight. It is allowing yourself to belong to ordinary human life—to receive care, stability, companionship, pleasure, and flourishing—without withdrawing because those things make you vulnerable.
And the developmental movement I see is not primarily toward more awakening, insight, or sophistication. You already have an abundance of those. It is toward becoming gentler and less defended inside your depth: trusting simplicity, accepting limitation without making yourself lesser, allowing good things to remain, and creating a life that is modest enough for your body yet alive enough for your nature.