I thought I would start an inquiry journal. Just like my regular journals, each article will have several entries.
I will likely use several types of inquiry – sense field inquiry (Buddhist inquiry, Kiloby Inquiries), examining painful beliefs and identities (The Work of Byron Katie), being with myself in the past, dialog with myself and others as whole, healed, mature, and awake (my own inquiry), and so on.
A few things I plan to explore: (a) My reaction/sensitivity to noise. (b) Feeling that nobody stood up for me when I was growing up. (c) The part of me that wants me to be sick, in order to protect me. Related to that, (d) the part of me that wants me to be hidden and invisible. And (d) me when I got CFS age fifteen, I was quite stressed at the time.
This page is a work in progress until it gets long enough so I’ll start the next volume. I like to revisit and continue inquiries, so each segment here may also keep developing for a while.
September 2, 2026
Sense field inquiry on sounds
Topic is the threat from noise. These days, specifically bangs on the wall when I try to rest or sleep.
Imagine you in that situation, trying to rest and hearing a bang on the wall
Is it a threat? Yes, I notice a knot in my stomach. That knot tells me it’s a threat, a danger
Feel the sensations of that knot
Are they a threat? Yes, they feel like a threat
How do you know? I see a dark image on top of them
Look at that image. See it out in front of you. Look at the color, texture, lines, shape. Take your time
Is that image a threat?
Yes, I feel sensations in the jaw and neck
(The image seems connected with those sensations, the contractions there, and gives a sense of threat.)
Feel those sensations
Say to the sensations: You can stay as long as you want
Are those sensations a threat? Yes, there is a knot in my stomach
Anything else? I see an image of those sensations
Feel the sensations of the knot in the stomach. Notice the space around the sensation. Notice the sensations happen in infinite space. Notice that space
Are the sensations a threat?
Yes, they seem connected with the sensations in the jaws and neck
Feel those sensations, notice the space
Feel the knot and the jaws and neck
What is your earliest memory of feeling that? (In connection with sound)
My mother nagging my father
Look at that image, of your mother nagging your father. See it out in front of you. Notice the colors, lines, texture.
Is that image a threat?
Yes, it has a charge, sensations on my skin on all over my body, knot in my stomach, tense jaw and neck, tense face,
Feel those sensations, notice they are already allowed, notice the space they happen within
Notice them as sensations
“You are welcome here, stay as long as you want”
[to be continued]
Reflection
It’s definitely interesting to explore in this way. It helps me see how my mind creates its experience of it, and any identities created from it.
It’s an impressive form of inquiry since it’s so rich, detailed, and goes to the essence of how our mind creates its experience, including of hangups, wounds, identifications, and so on. I worked as a facilitator for a while with this inquiry, received a lot of sessions, and have facilitated myself quite a bit over the years. I wouldn’t want to be without it, and it’s also not the form of inquiry that’s the most powerful for me right now.
September 4, 2026
Connecting with the distressed version of me **
(a) Connecting with me as child/teenager hearing my mother nagging my father
The situation: My mother nagged my father without much stop. It was very distressing to me, especially since I could not easily escape it. I could hear it through the walls.
I am connecting with me as a young teenager, hearing my mother nagging my father. I was in the basement room (my nice room with fireplace, wood stove etc.). She wouldn’t stop. It seemed constant. My response to it made me overwhelmed, extremely stressed, tight, and brought up a lot of fear and anxiety in me.
I can feel it coming up in me now. First, I am with him, hold space for it all, and am a friend. That, in itself, seems to help him feel supported and relax a bit. He can breathe a little easier. There is a little more space.
I tell him I love him, and spend more time with him. It’s more about being in each other’s presence and wordless communication.
You are safe now. In this situation, you are safe. That situation is not here anymore.
We are in each other’s presence with that knowing.
Sounds seem like a threat to you because of that situation. Back then, you perceived the sounds as a threat because of the nagging etc. You felt overwhelmed and scared. That’s natural and understandable. Now, you are not in that situation anymore. Your parents are not anymore. Sounds now happen in a different situation. They are not inherently a threat. They just seem that way because they trigger an old pattern in you.
We are both staying with that knowing for a while, letting it soak in and soaking in it.
Back then, you felt trapped. You were a child or young teenager, and you were – for all practical purposes – stuck in that situation. Also, when you brought it up, your family made you wrong. They defended and denied their dysfunction. So no wonder you felt trapped. That’s very understandable. Now, the situation is very different. You are an adult. They are no longer. You won’t experience that anymore. Sounds now happen in a very different situation.
Again, we are in each other’s presence with that knowing, soaking in it. Taking it in, viscerally.
[to be continued]
A reminder. When you notice sounds trigger something in you, ask yourself: Is this sound a threat? Is it actually a threat? Will it pass? Will this situation pass? Are you an adult with agency? Can you change the situation so it’s more manageable, or get out of it?
Reflection for (a)
This feels powerful – and also immediate and natural. Of the different forms of inquiry, this one may be the most powerful for me these days. I am with myself as a child/teenager in that difficult situation, as a friend. It’s mostly presence and wordless communication and knowing.
This form of exploration is slow by nature. I spend time with these versions of me, and I keep revisiting it through the day. It goes over several days, and really over weeks, months, and years. It keeps deepening and transforming.
I have also done some Vortex Healing for me at that age and in that situation. Often, Angelic Heart and grid.
(b) Connecting with the part of me that wants me to be sick
This situation: I assume parts of me that wants me to be sick so I can withdraw and be more safe. Being visible and active means others may hate me, just like what happened in school. I may also try my best and fail, so it’s easier to stay in the fantasy of what may have been.
[to be started]
Reflection for (b)
(c) Me when I got CFS age fifteen
Reflection for (c)
A dialog with others, and versions of me, as whole, healed, mature, awake **
[to be started]
Reflection
This is a form of exploration I developed on my own, or, rather, that came to me, or I was drawn to and found. It’s similar to other approaches and I am sure others must have been drawn to this particular way of doing it. Of all the forms of inquiry, this is one of the more powerful ones for me.
Some notes for coming inquiries…
Me as a boy in that situation
Visualise healing
Amma
Support, dialog
………
Visualise both my parents as whole, healed, mature, awake **
Dialog with them about the situation
How I experienced it
……….
My mother should treat my father with respect
It’s too much
I am overwhelmed
I can’t take it
I am alone in it
……….
Nobody stood up for me / nobody is standing up for me
- in school
- When the others gave me poisoned look when I answered the teacher
- Often smaller things like that, but often
True? Yes
Sure it’s true? Yes, feels true
What happens when think that?
In that situation:
Frozen, paralysed, unsafe. Nobody is on my side. The world is not safe. The world is confusing. It’s dangerous to be visible.
Knot in my stomach. Shallow breath.
Feel alone, unsupported,
How would you be in that situation without that thought?
TA: Somebody is standing up for me. I am now.
TA: Nobody is leaving me.
Nobody stood up for me
Dialog with the part of me that want’s me sick (to keep me safe)
Nobody stood up for me
The part of me that wants me to be sick
……..