What seems the most like I? What seems the “closest”? Is there a center here that seems like an I?
How is it to take myself as it, even if it appears subtle? How is it to live from and as it?
How is it to notice it’s an object within the field of experience like any other object? How is it to perceive and live from and as that?
How is it to notice I am capacity for it all – the consciousness that forms itself into any and all appearances?
What sensations are connected with the sense of I? How is it to notice the sensations as sensations?
What are the words associated with it? How is it to notice these as words?
What are the mental images associated with it? How is it to notice these as mental images?
FASCINATION WITH WHAT SEEMS THE MOST LIKE “I”
I have had a fascination with exploring what seems the most like “I” since the initial oneness shift in my teens.
The way I have explored it has changed a bit over time and also reflects a particular phase of the process.
THE CONTEXT
In one sense, I am this human self in the world with roles, identities, skills, wounds, hangups, traumas, and so on.
I find that in my own first-person experience, I am something else. I am more fundamentally what all of this, and anything within the field of experience, happens within and as.
I am what a thought may call consciousness, and the world to me happens within and as the consciousness I am.
I find this through logic as well. If I “have” consciousness, it means that to myself I AM consciousness. It also means that the world, to me, happens within and as the consciousness I am. The consciousness I am forms itself into any and all experiences, with no exception.
A SENSE OF I
The consciousness we are can identify with and as a thought that says we are fundamentally something within the content of experience: this human self, a doer, and observer, and also a range of other identities like a son, daughter, parent, victim, and so on.
That creates a sense of being an I, and it creates a sense of the rest – whether it’s connected with our human self or the wider world – as Other.
PARTS OPERATING FROM SEPARATION CONSCIOUSNESS
Even when the oneness we are recognizes itself, there will be parts of the psyche – often wounded parts – still operating from separation consciousness.
These will color our perception and life even if they are apparently dormant.
When these are triggered and come more strongly to the surface, the consciousness we are may temporarily “forget” its nature and identify with and as the painful stories these parts of us operate from. It will temporarily go into duality and operate from duality.
It will take itself as an I with a particular view and identity, and everything else is Other.
SOME THINGS SEEM MORE I
In my experience, even when the consciousness I am notices itself, there are still some things that seem a little more “close” and more an “I”.
In my case, I notice it in some physical sensations in the top of my mouth towards the back and in top of the throat. I sometimes also notice it with the idea of a doer or observer.
They are like small and slightly more dense islands in the oneness, and when attention goes there, they are recognized as what they are – islands of sensations, mental images, and words.
INVESTIGATING WHAT SEEMS MORE AS AN I
I find it very interesting to explore these.
I notice anything within the field that seems a little more like “I”.
I notice these too are objects within the field of experience just like anything else. They don’t have a privileged position.
I notice the sensations. I notice they are sensations just like the other sensations here.
I notice some of the words and mental images associated with it. I notice they are words and images.
I notice I am what all of this – the whole field of experience – happens within and as. These parts of the field happen within and as what I am just like everything else.
BASIC MEDITATION
Basic meditation is a valuable support here.
It often starts with having the intention to notice and allow what’s here, and failing at both to some extent.
I then notice that what’s here in the field of experience is already noticed and allowed.
Over time, at a visceral level, and whether it’s consciously noticed or not, there is a grokking that all content of experience comes and goes, including any sense of an I. If that too comes and goes, can I fundamentally be it? Am I fundamentally something else? What it all comes and goes within?
This helps soften any identification with and as an I although it is, it seems, a long process.
MORE SYSTEMATIC EXPLORATIONS
Sometimes, I investigate this in a more systematic and guided way, and the more organic explorations outlined above are partly informed by these.
The Big Mind process creates a contrast between finding ourselves as Big Mind and the different perspectives created by thoughts.
The Headless experiments creates a contrast with our nature and what it forms itself into.
The Work of Byron Katie helps identify and investigate thoughts and find what’s more true.
The Kiloby Inquiries is a modern version of traditional Buddhist sense field inquiry and perhaps the most direct and effective way to explore any I sense.
WHERE WE ARE IN THE PROCESS
Some explorations into who and what we are seem useful throughout the process, including basic meditation and heart-centered practices.
Others are more specific to the particular phase we are in and our inclinations and other circumstances.
What I have written about here mostly applies when our nature is relatively familiar with noticing itself.
If our nature is less familiar with noticing itself, some of these approaches can be quite effective, especially The Big Mind process and the Headless experiments, along with sense field explorations.
IN MY CASE
In my case, my nature relatively easily notices itself. My world is recognized as consciousness forming itself into appearances. It’s all consciousness.
When attention goes somewhere else, this particular noticing goes more into the background.
Attention can go to an object or task. Here, the object of attention can be noticed as consciousness. Or attention may not go to that aspect of it. Either way is fine.
Several parts of my psyche still operate from separation consciousness. These are wounded parts of me. Here, consciousness locally – as these parts – identify with the viewpoint of painful thoughts. This inevitably colors my perception and life. Sometimes, when these are triggered, attention gets absorbed into them and there is identification with the part more at a surface level. (Get caught up in an issue.)
Even here, parts of me know what’s going on.
NOTES
There are close to 5000 private articles on this website, and this one was one of them for a couple of months. Why don’t I make them public? Mainly because something about them doesn’t feel quite right. They feel a little off and/or too convoluted. In that case, it makes sense to scrap what I have written and start afresh, and when I do, what comes out is usually simpler and clearer. In this case, I decided to publish the more convoluted article as is. Sometimes, I also keep long articles private because I keep finding more connections and things to say and it feels a bit too much for my brain-foggy mind. Often, I forget to return to the article to simplify it and instead move on to other topics.
The image is created by me and Midjourney
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