Tag: dark night

Fall from and into grace

moe Leave a comment

Following my years of (head) awakening, there were some years of a dark night. There was a reversal from deeply realizing all as Spirit, and luminosity, clarity, insights, effortless practice, and incredible energy and activity in the world, to the opposite of a complete absence of Spirit, being just a separate human being steeped in confusion, hopelessness and fatigue, unable to engage in any form of practice.

During these years, it definitely felt like a fall from grace. I was blessed with a spontaneous and quite clear awakening, and then fell down into identification with this human self and all its confusion and weaknesses.

Now, I can still see it as a fall from grace, but even more, it seems as a fall into grace. It is true that it did take me off track in terms of my plans of continuing my Zen studies and eventually becoming a teacher, and also getting a degree which would allow me to practice and do research in the mind-body field. In that sense, and in many other ways, it was a fall from grace. But in another sense, it was a fall into grace. It allowed some edges to soften. It allowed me to experience from the inside the suffering that so many experience, at least at times in their life. It allowed me, possibly, to drop into the endarkenment.

And it allowed me to learn about surrender. And loss.

Surrendering even that which seems, in every way, so good. A surrendering that allows space for something else to emerge, something not part of my plans, something that was not being “on track” as I saw it, something completely different.

It is certainly a fall from grace. And it is equally a fall into grace.

Dream: giving it all away

moe Leave a comment

I am in a different culture, and must have moved there since I have all my belongings with me. A kind of festival is coming up, and I am encouraged to contribute to a kind of display. I offer them all I have, including my most personal belongings such as letter, photos, journals, and so on.

To my astonishment, a horde of people show up and take everything. Nothing is left. I tell one of the people in charge that there is a mistake, I would never have contributed all I have, including my most personal belongings, if I had known they would all be lost to me.

She said I had to follow the rules of the game. It turned out later that the ceremony was a way for people to get rid of their excess belongings, to declutter. I felt a mix of terror of having lost everything, any anchor I ever had in the physical world, and also, more distant, a sense that it could be exiting and freeing when I got used to it. Everything would be open. No anchors.

The day residue is from an old Star Trek episode I watched last night, Amok Time (!), where Kirk makes a similar mistake by agreeing to take part in a ritual from a culture foreign to him, and finds that he is getting more than he thought he agreed to.

The experience in the dream is similar to two real-life situations for me.

Identities falling away

One is what happens when there is no identity, as I have explored more over the last few days. Our identity, or identities, is our most intimate and cherished belonging, in a certain way. There is a sense of I, and then all the ways we clothe it up and define it through a set of beliefs, through an identity.

Our identity, especially the most intimate parts of it, gives a sense of security, buffering, familiarity, a point of view, a particular perspective, an anchor. And when we start to explore this identity, and parts of it starts falling away, there is a point of no return.

There is a place where the process cannot be stopped, where it continues all the way, until the last element of an identity falls away and nothing is left, except wide open space. Just awake emptiness and form, allowing any and all perspectives to be taken and explored, fluidly, without getting stuck anywhere.

It looks fine for a while. I can get rid of the clutter in my identity, those parts I didn’t care much for anyway. The excess parts. It feels good. But then, there is a point where the more cherished parts of the identity is questioned, where they too are taken up in the process, where they too start to unravel. And that does not always feel so good. This is where terror comes in, a sense of a terrible mistake being made. But it is too late.

Dark night

The other similarity is the dark night phase, where there was a similar experience of all my cherished belongings being taken away.

Of course, those two, the eroding of identity and a dark night, are not that different from each other. They are two ways of looking at the same process. One of letting go to how we see ourselves, how we define ourselves, our identity, all the way to the core of it.

Content Changing to Allow for Recognition of Ground

moe Leave a comment

I don’t know if there is a typical pattern here, but it seems that…

Initial awakening and amazing experiences

During initial awakenings, to soul levels and nature/deity mysticism, there is typically a large amount of amazing experiences, including deep insights out of the blue, strong energy experiences, causeless bliss and joy, seeing of auras, new abilities in any area of life, and so on.

Attachments as a carrot

So naturally, there can be an attachment to this particular content. This can be very helpful for a while, it is the carrot that keeps it moving.

Fall from grace

After a while, the process is ready to move on beyond attachment to this particular content. If there is still a stubborn attachment to this content (as was the case with me), then the rug may be pulled from under one’s feet, as an invitation to see this attachment and allow it to burn through.

Dark night

After a while of despair, a sense of dryness and weariness may surface, a clearer seeing of the futility and confusion in attaching to any particular content, even that content which seems most appealing and attractive to this human self.

Realized selflessness

And in this dryness, this setting of all dials to zero, the Ground may surface more, it may shift more into the foreground, this Ground of all content, of all phenomena, of all experiences. There may be a taste of real selflessness here, and eventually a clearer realization of selflessness – maybe first in glimpses and then more stable and clearly.

Now, the Ground awakens to its own nature of no I anywhere, naturally allowing any content to come and go, to live its own life, within and as Ground itself. Bliss and pain, joy and sadness, dryness and ecstasy, it is all recognized as nothing other than Ground itself.

Ground is primary and in the foreground. The particularities of the content is all recognized as Ground itself, and important only in a relative context.

Preferences of this human self – within context of I and realized selflessness

The preferences of this human self are still there, yet now within a different context.

First, there was the context of a sense of I, so the preferences of this human self naturally came into the foreground. There was an attachment to some experiences, to some content, and an aversion to other content. All this is perfectly natural and innocent.

Then, in a context of realized selflessness, there is still the preferences of this human self, as before. But now, these too unfold as Ground. These preferences, as any other phenomena, unfold as emptiness. The nature of these preferences as Ground, as emptiness, as Spirit, is in the foreground, is primary, is clear, inherent in what is happening.

They are not identified with. They are not seen as I. The center of gravity is no longer in these preferences. They just happen as anything else. They live their own life, as anything else. They happen with no doer there. They arise with no I to be found anywhere in it.

Deity Mysticism, Witness & Fall from Grace

moe Leave a comment

Even as the center of gravity moves to nature and deity mysticism and/or the Witness, there is still an identification with a segment of what is.

There is a belief in the idea of I, and it is placed on the soul (nature/deity mysticism, F7/F8) and/or pure awareness (F9). There is still a sense of I and Other, no matter how apparently transparent and subtle.

It is an awakening still with the presence of a sense of I, and identification with a segment of what is, so it is naturally subject of change with changing content.

Nondual awakening

From here, it can move on to a nondual awakening, to Ground awakening to its own nature of no I anywhere, allowing any content to come and go as it naturally does. This is an awakening where the context is the only thing that needs to change, from a sense of I to an realization of no I anywhere. Content – states, experiences, phenomena, come and go freely and naturally, as they do anywhere, but no with no trace of attachment or resistance to them.

Fall from grace

If this does not happen, if there is a stuckness here even as there is a deeper readiness to move on, there will be a fall from grace, a dark night of the soul. And this fall from grace invites to a gradual wearing off of any sense of I, eventually revealing the Ground – absent of I anywhere.

It seems terrible as it happens. It seems that everything is lost. But it is just another phase in the process of Ground awakening to itself, of God remembering who it is, of Buddha Mind realizing its own nature, of emptiness dancing.

Example

This is what apparently happened in my case.

The nature/deity mysticism awakening and the awakening as Witness initially came out of the blue, uninvited in any conscious sense (to somebody who saw himself as a die-hard materialist and atheist!). It deepened and stabilized over some years.

At some point, there may have been a deeper readiness to move on to a Ground awakening, yet there was also an attachment to and holding onto the belief in I and to the nature/deity awakening and the sense of Witness as I.

So there was a fall from grace, a dark night of the soul, also lasting for years, gradually wearing off attachments to a sense of I, to segments of what is, to any content. And it is still far from complete.

Finding Peace with Fall From Grace **

moe Leave a comment

I have struggled finding peace with the fall from grace which happened some years back. So many plans got thwarted, so much seems lost.

I have done several inquiries on it, I have stayed with whatever emotions and other experiences come up around it, I have set the intention of it to unravel and clear, and it has helped – but some remnants of the regrets are still there.

Today, I suddenly saw clearly that my specific role is to find peace with this particular life.

It seems so simple, yet it hit me like a ton of bricks. And there was a huge relief and sense of coming home in it. Finally, this is what my role is – at least in relation to this life situation.

I don’t need to process it to death and harvest every little gift and nutrient in it (although I will most likely continue to do that). I can just find peace with it as it is. That in itself is my role.

I can find peace in not completely finding a resolution to it. It is OK.

And of course, this is not just about me. This is the role we each have: to find peace with our particular life. And to demonstrate how to find peace with this particular life. We are all teachers for each other in this.

Buddhist God Realm, Identification with Witness, and Fall From Grace

moe Leave a comment


I am sure this is detailed in Buddhist philosopy, although I can’t recall having seen this in the sporadic readings I have done in the area.

One of the six realms is the God realm, defined by bliss but also impermanence.

It seems that this describes an awakening as formless awareness – as the Witness, F9, causal realm – quite well.

There is bliss and a certain release from suffering, and it can certainly last for a long time. Still, there is the belief in an “I” here, now just placed on pure awareness. The seeing is made to appear as a seer.

With this subtle “I” there is also a subtle “other” and attachment to content. And as content always changes, it inevitably leads to a fall from grace. It is temporary.

All of this sounds a lot like the God realm.

From I to No I, Dark Night, Deepening into the Nondual

moe Leave a comment

Here is a summary of recent slightly obsessive ruminations (!).

Three phases: from I to no I

When there is a belief in the thought “I” and it is placed on my human self, then there is a blind caught-upness in whatever is happening. I am identified with some parts of what’s happening, and try to either hold onto or push away other parts, and there is a sense of struggle and suffering. I see myself as an object in the world, at the mercy of an infinite number of other and unpredictable objects. So, naturally I am also caught up in emotions such as fear, desire, aversion, anger and so on.

When there is an an awakening to pure awareness, to the Witness, there is still a belief in the thought “I” but now placed on the seeing. There is a sense of release here. I can work on and learn how to allow anything and everything to come and go as guests, to arise, unfold and fade within space & awareness. Learning this is a process and involves some effort and attention.

When what is awakens to itself as having no “I” anywhere – when no segment of what is revealed as having no inherent “I” – there is a more complete release. There is the same content – awareness and phenomena, seeing and seen – but no “I” as either our human self or awareness or anything else. It is all just happening. And there is an immediate realization of it as emptiness, as emptiness dancing. Again, there may be the same content – pain, anger, confusion, grief and so on – but it is all revealed as emptiness dancing. There is no suffering anymore.

Dazzled and dark night

During the awakening as formless awareness, there may be a good deal of bells and whistles going off. Bliss, miracles, synchronicities, seeing and engaging with energies, experiencing all as God and Spirit, and so on. And since there is a belief in an “I” there is also an attachment to phenomena, however subtle it may seem at the time. We are dazzled by the show – by the content, and since it is subtly experienced as “other” there is also a subtle holding onto it.

Two things can happen here. Either we continue and awaken as the nondual, as no “I” anywhere. Or we continue to hold onto I and other, and as the content moves – as it always does – there is a fall from grace. It seems that one way this can be triggered is through exhaustion of the human self, from the high energies that can be experienced in this awakening.

In Ken Wilber’s framework, the awakening to Witness is F9, and it can be accompanied by awakening to F7 and F8 which is nature- and deity-mysticism. At all of these levels, there is a belief in the thought “I”, and a subtle sense of I and other. And this can occur even if there is a clear sense, feeling or intuition of God being completely beyond and including any and all polarities. We have an immediate and (apparently) clear realization of this, yet this whole beyond all polarities is subtly “other”. “I” am here as pure awareness, experiencing Existence as beyond and including all polarities. There is a oneness of “I” and the whole of Existence, of God.

During the dark night of the soul, there is a sense of loss of connection with God and of “dryness”. No content gives comfort anymore. And this is exactly what is needed for the awakening to ground, to the emptiness which content arises within and as. To the context for all content and experiences, to that which never changes and is always right here now. To what is, with no “I” inherent in any segment of it.

No I

The irony is of course that this experience of “no I” seems to be all of ours immediate experience. We just don’t trust it, and add a belief to the thought “I” onto it. Somehow, it seems safer that way. We become familiar with that way of operating.

And we have trouble becoming childlike again, to drop what we have been trained to see and experience, so we can realize that there is indeed on “I” anywhere in our immediate experience.

It is what aways is. Indeed, it is that which time unfolds within and as.

Or more accurately, it is that in which the fluid seamless whole of form (time & space) unfolds within and as.

Deepening into the nondual

There may also be a deepening into the nondual (I don’t know too much about this). First, it may be a nondual awakening with same content as before. Then, it may deepen to be present to itself during the sleep and waking cycles of our human self (as it seems that it can be at F7-F9 awakenings as well). Then it may expand in space for all I know.

Transcend and include

As the nondual awakening has the same content as before, only with no “I” anywhere, it is another case of transcend and include. Nothing is lost, apart from the belief in the thought “I” and the struggle and suffering that brought with it. There is an effortless inclusion of our human self and human life, in its fullness – and its continuing development and maturation.

Dark Night of the Civilization

moe Leave a comment

In its most general sense, the dark night of the soul refers to (a) loosing that which used to give comfort and (b) learning to align more closely with a larger whole.

Our familiar views and behaviors don’t work anymore, and we have little choice but to surrender our personal will to the will of the larger whole – in whatever form that may appear to us, such as the Earth, Universe, Life, Divine will.

As a global civilization, we are heading full speed into an ecological bottleneck, and what may well be a “dark night” of the civilization. We are most likely already well into the bottleneck, although most of us – especially in the wealthy corners of the world – have not noticed it yet (due to the overshoot effect: going beyond living off the interest to depleting the principal and the system’s ability to regenerate).

We – and some before others – will soon be in a situation where it is clear that our old patterns do not work anymore. What we found comfort in, in terms of views and behavior, is taken away from us. And we have little choice but to surrender our views and will to that of the larger whole, to the realities of the processes of the Earth.

The Universe is one seamless fluid process, and as long as that is not a reality in our conscious experience, we are bound to repeatedly hit the wall until we learn to surrender to this larger whole. And of course, what we surrender to is just ourselves – the patterns we find throughout the Universe, this Earth and our own individual lives.

It may appear that we have to give something up, that we loose by surrender. But what we gain transcends and includes what we surrender, and we find a far deeper connection with life – with the deeper processes running throughout the Universe, Earth and ourselves as individual beings.

Dream: The Master

moe Leave a comment

I am a young British upper class (aristocratic?) man, and there is a party. My fiance and her family is coming to dine with my family. I cannot remember anything. Something has happened and I cannot seem to remember anything from my former life. I am lost, helpless, inept. My fiance does not recognize me at first, due to the change, and I only half way recognize her. Her family is now disapproving of me, as I am dressing and acting below my stand. Apparently, I used to be confident, clear and acting my stand, but that is only a very vague memory now. Everything seems to be falling apart and lost for me.

Day residue

I watched Master & Commander the night before, and in the dream I was a character who seemed a mix of the young boy, the doctor and the captain of that movie. Although something had happened, and I had become more similar to the bewildered and inept officer who jumped overboard.

Active imagination

I have amnesia, everything from earlier days is forgotten. I see that if I don’t do something drastic, I can remain helpless and bedraggled for the rest of my days. But I decide to relearn every skill I used to engage in, and I go about it methodologically and with determination.

There are especially three areas: music (string instruments), naturalist science and social interactions (as appropriate for my stand).

I notice how it all comes back, but now in a very different way. My music has a new depth, flow, freedom, range and intimacy – and above all, it is more deeply human. My naturalist studies now is for the benefit of all, independent of stand. I am at service to the world. And in my social interactions, I don’t make a difference between people of high and low stand. I am equally at home with all segments of society, and I find a new skill in listening, being genuinely interested in each person, and allowing them to feel important and good about themselves.

I see how there used to be so much bravado and emphasis on skill in all I did. In my music, there was an emphasis on a virtuoso technique and on impressing the listeners, now it is to convey the deeply and fluidly human in the music. My naturalist studies were a diversion, and now to benefit all. My social interactions to impress, now to help others explore and feel good about themselves. All my skills are still there, but now in a more deeply human context.

Throughout this process, I see that it is all about becoming the master in/of my life again, and I find great support socializing with others who express this with skill and humanity.

I find that I am now respected by all, and my relationship with my fiancee and her family is restored.

My day life

It is pretty clear how this relates to my life, and also the five phases described by Tozan and Underhill. The previous phase was number three, the brilliant sun. The dream depicts number four, the fall from grace. And the active imagination is about phase five, the new integration.

Dark Night

moe Leave a comment

The last few days, it has dawned on me that I am in a form of dark night of the soul. What initially looked merely like a personal failure now seems to fit into a relatively common pattern.

This has also invited me to look at the overall pattern over the last several years.

A brief outline…

Drunk & Witness

At sixteen, I drank a large amount of alcohol for the first (and last) time. There are several hours of that night that are lost to memory. The day after, I remember clearly that there was a gradual shift into a sense of unreality – over maybe an hour or two. Everything was as if a dream, and I found myself as crystal clear awareness infinitely removed from the world of form.

Now, I recognize this as a shift into the Witness, being absorbed into formless awareness.

Deepening

This continued and deepened over the following weeks and months, until about a year later (if I remember correctly) when this all bursted into a more full blown opening. I walked down the gravel road to our mail box, it was a dark winter evening, snowless, with a big wind and the stars above. Suddenly, it was as if I was what the wind blew through and the stars appeared within. There was no separation between anything anymore. And there was a tremendous sense of coming home and of joy and bliss. And this too lasted and deepened over the following weeks, months and years.

In the midst of this, there was a bewilderment in trying to make any sense of it all. I had developed a quite strong scientific and atheistic worldview prior to this, with little or no interest in anything that tasted of spirituality or mysticism. Yet, it was exactly in mysticism that I found people who seemed to describe similar experiences. I read a large amount of books in the following years – Fritjof Capra, Jung, Steiner, Yogananda, Jes Bertelsen, Taoism, Buddhism and so on.

All the while, the opening continued to deepen – day and night for years. It was a tremendously intense experience, with a mix of deep bliss and pain. My view became deeply transdual, to the point where I was painfully aware that it was impossible to even begin to describe this in words. Words split, and this was beyond and embracing any and all polarities.

During this phase, which lasted several years, I was enormously productive in terms of studies, reading, painting, drawing, music, consuming culture, engaging with (a small group of) friends, doing tai chi, chi gong, going for hikes in nature, and much more. It seemed that I could do everything, and do everything well.

Fall from grace

During these years, I obviously became somewhat attached to this deeply transdual view and experience. I understood, from direct experience, what all the mystics and sages from so many traditions were talking about. And I could, in some cases, even express it more clearly myself. And there was also a liberation from being caught up and identified as any form, be it my human self or emotions, thoughts or experiences.

So in the midst of this, I knew that it was inevitable to have to loose it for a while. I had to become merely human and learn to live an ordinary human life. And that is exactly what happened, although not in the way I expected. And it was far more painful than I could ever have dreamt of.

During my initial opening, there was a sense of my human self being pulled apart and put together again in a new way. But now, there was a sense of being completely and utterly ground to dust. I had completely lost any connection with God, with any transdual view and experience. I was utterly and completely ordinary and human, and all my passion and clarity was lost.

I ended up being just a passive victim of life as it happened to unfold, without any power to extract myself from it. Where I earlier was able to allow any experience to just unfold within me – within clear space – and leave no trace, I was now utterly in the mud, unable to relate to what was happening in any healthy or sane way. I was unable to do any form of meditation and prayer (although I deeply longed for it, and tried several times). I was unable to read anything spiritual or “uplifting”. I was in utter misery, utterly crushed to dust. And this too lasted for several years.

Looking back, I see that there was an oscillation for maybe two years, with some moments of grace and bliss, and then a complete descending into this misery.

And for a long time – up until just the last few days – this all seemed utterly personal and just triggered by bad decisions and circumstances.

Return

Then, with another change in circumstances (another geographic move), there was another opening, although this time more gradual, soft and far more unremarkable. Now, there is a sense of the ordinariness of it all, both the human life and that beyond the human.

Now, with the return – in a different way – and with being exposed to more detailed readings of the dark night of the soul (and Tozan’s fourth rank), I see that there is maybe a larger pattern to all of this.

Even in the midst of it, in the midst of the deepest misery, I did sense that it was part of a larger process – that I was carried by something deeper, but there was no way I could see what that was or find any comfort in it.

There is still much further to go, even as part of the tail end of this dark night. I am still much of a wreck as a human being, my life is still quite off track in many ways. But at least now, there is another opening and a deeper – and far more unremarkable – integration going on.

And who knows, there will still be many more dark nights of various types. Any attachment is followed by a detachment, and this process can be quite painful. Especially if we resist it, as I did with all my might during the fall from grace.

When I finally came to a point where I could begin to embrace it, it gradually shifted. But I don’t think I could have done that earlier, especially in the circumstances I was in. Of course, what we resist persists, but even knowing that, I was not able to do it. Maybe I’ll gradually learn.