Session with Barry: I can’t have what I want

I can’t have what I want.

If I try changing it, it will get worse.

It can’t change.

I have been in bed for a week with the flu, and some deep layers of hopelessness and despair surfaced. Behind this are the beliefs above.

I can’t have what I want.

I see that belief in my parents, especially playing itself out in their relationship. And I see it in my own life, and how I have lived it in my own life – missing out of the relationship opportunities I wanted the most, leaving the Zen center, and more, repeatedly losing or missing out of what I want the most, what feels the most right, what felt the most “on track” and aligned with my heart.

As Barry said, this layer in me feels thick and sticky, as a trance, and it’s good to notice the tendency in me to go back into it, because it’s familiar. It’s an identity, it feels like who I am, how it is, how my life is.

Is it true? Is it absolutely true? 

How do I live my life with that belief?

How would my life be without it?

And ask for help, pray, ask for God to shine light on it, for it to transmute completely.

I also notice fear around this, a deep fear. It won’t change. It’s hopeless. I’ll be stuck in it forever.

And I invite the divine to shine it’s light on that too, for that too to transmute and resurrect.

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