Mother wound

I am seeing a pattern from early childhood, and it’s connected to the image of being alone in a crib in a dark room, crying and my parents not coming (there and then). At least sometimes, I felt I didn’t get what I wanted or needed (love, attention, a sense of security and trust), and that my cries were ineffective in getting me what I wanted or needed.

There are several facets to this:

(a) Frozen, paralyzed, numb. This sometimes makes me slow in going for opportunities in life, including in relationships. There is hesitation. Some of the beliefs here are: It’s safer to be quiet. It’s easier to be frozen. I won’t get what I want. I can’t get what I want. Related to this is a sense of shock or frozenness if something happens that a thought labels “very good” or “very bad”. And the hesitation is also a hesitation or slowness in getting into what seems good, and getting out of what doesn’t seem so good. 

(b) A belief of being unloved, which creates a sense of neediness and trying to get from others what I could give to myself (love, acceptance, trust, comfort). And a belief of being unlovable, which creates a sense of insecurity, especially in relationships. Beliefs: I am unloved. I am unlovable. I have missed out of love. She will see I am not good enough for her.

(c) A belief that what’s good will go away, and that I won’t have what’s very good in my life. Beliefs: What’s good will go away. I won’t have what’s very good in my life. It’s too good for me. He/she will figure out it’s too good for me and take it away (job, relationship).

And some ways of exploring this:

Ho’oponpono on myself, others, this pattern in me, in general and in specific situations. I am sorry. Please forgive me. I love you.

The Work on these beliefs, focusing on the memory of specific situations.

Holding satsang with these parts of me. You are welcome here. Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for your love for me. How would you like me to be with you? What would satisfy you forever? What are you really?

Connecting with Christ and asking for healing, guidance, be shown what I need to see.

Connecting with the soul space above the heart and the flame there, and bringing it all into the flame, allowing it to burn away anything not like itself (infinite love, clarity, wisdom).

Bringing attention to the densest part of my body, staying with the sensations while breathing, noticing any images or thoughts behind it (creating the sense of density, contraction), making a note of these for inquiry now or later, and bringing attention to the densest part again (the same are or another).

And perhaps most importantly, being honest with myself and others about what I feel, want and think, and – with others – especially in my relation to him or her.

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