I listened to a talk by Pierce Salguero on meditation sickness, drawing mostly on Asian sources. He has written an article on the topic – “Meditation Sickness” in Medieval Chinese Buddhism and the Contemporary West – and the event was hosted by Cheetah House.
I am familiar with the essence through my own experience and from reading and hearing about it, although the details were interesting – especially what people have said through history.
WHAT IS MEDITATION SICKNESS?
What is meditation sickness? It’s difficult to define so everyone will agree. In general, it’s any kind of disturbing or destabilizing experience associated with meditation, prayer, spiritual activity, or the awakening process. It can be old wounds or traumas surfacing, physical symptoms, dissociation, frightening visions, and so on.
As he pointed out, some of these are to be expected. That’s likely one reason my old Zen teacher, Genpo Roshi, would say to beginners: If you don’t have to be here, it’s better if you do something else. Some can also be seen as a sign of progress, although there are ways to prevent, minimize, and deal with the challenging sides of it.
SUMMARY OF ADVICE
I liked the summary of advice from Buddhist sources for meditation sickness. Below are the points, in my own words.
Use a mix of approaches and techniques. This is built into many if not most Asian traditions where they use a mix of learning and study, training a more stable focus, direct insight into the dynamics and nature of mind, body-centered practices, energy work (directly or indirectly), and relationship work and ethics. If you do just one, or do it a lot, you can get destabilized.
Don’t take weird or unusual experiences too seriously. They are not what it’s about. Also, they come and go as anything else, they may not be as unusual as you think, and don’t trust your interpretation of them.
Follow ethical guidelines. They are there not only for others and society, but for you. They help you find stability – both in your life in the world and within yourself. (Unethical actions are often destabilizing, and often in several ways.)
Follow the guidance of an experienced teacher. At the very least, make sure you have access to experienced teachers familiar with different forms of meditation sickness, how they can be prevented, and what to do when or if they happen.
Recognize the early signs of meditation sickness. This allows you to back off and take another course with your practice.
WHAT ARE MY EXPERIENCES WITH THIS?
I have had many experiences with this. Much seems connected with the awakening process itself, and some may be related to specific practices and especially overdoing certain practices.
I am writing this as a record of my own journey and in case it resonates with others going through similar things.
The year before the initial oneness shift in my teens
When I was fifteen, on New Year’s Day – almost exactly one year before the oneness shift – it was as if the world became very distant. This human self, anything connected with him, and the wider world all went very far away. Much later, I understood that the consciousness I am likely identified with the construct of an observer, and disidentified from everything else.
For some years after (within) the initial oneness shift in my teens
When the initial oneness shift happened, it was both immensely familiar and came with a profound sense of home, and it was also profoundly destabilizing for this human self. At a human level, I had no guidance or support in the process. I didn’t know (or know about) anyone who understood or were interested in it, I had no previous interest or knowledge about these kinds of things, I had no access to books about it, and there was no WWW at the time.
After the initial oneness shift, huge energies were running through my system and this lasted for years. I remember thinking it felt like high voltage running through ordinary housing wires.
For years, there was also an enormous influx of inspiration for art and music, and an enormous flood of insights that I tried to write down. It was overwhelming and exhausting, although also fascinating. This website is the continuation of that, and much of what I write about – at least the parts about awakening and my own direct experiences – is the same as or very similar to what I wrote back then.
I was hyper-sensitive to noise and the presence/energies of others when they were in some kind of battle with themselves. This made it difficult – and sometimes extremely uncomfortable – to be on trains and other places with a lot of people close together. (Part of this is not fully owning those sides of myself.)
When I did spiritual practice, my system easily went “up” while I felt I needed more grounding. Tai chi and Qigong were very helpful here. I liked the Christ meditation since it involved visualizing Christ below me, which helped with grounding and stabilizing. Tonglen also had a grounding aspect. Although in general, many practices – and sometimes these if I did them a lot – would destabilize my system. And I did do them a lot, often for hours a day and some – like the Jesus/Heart Prayer – around the clock.
All of this did mellow over the following ten or so years.
In my thirties
I got into inquiry and got back into meditation after a few years of focusing on sustainability and community projects. To make a long story short, in 2005, there were some months when the no-self aspect of my nature was strongly in the foreground. Not too long after, in 2008, I had serious pneumonia for a few months which led to a dramatic worsening of the CFS. (I got it when I was fifteen, was quite sick for the rest of my teens, and my health was better in my twenties and most of my thirties.)
I don’t know if there was a connection, but it is striking that a relatively long period where no-self was in the foreground was followed by this health collapse.
Dark night phase
I gradually got better, and then – in a moment of hubris – asked life/the divine to “show me what’s left”. Within days, immense, overwhelming, and unbearable primal fear came up. (It wasn’t unbearable, of course, since I could bear it.) For about nine months, I slept very little, could hardly function, and went for long walks in the forest listening to talks by Adyashanti. The primal fear gradually subsided over the following years.
I am pretty sure the overwhelming fear gave me PTSD, which I am still – very slowly – recovering from.
For a while, early on in this phase, I remember feeling that there was no anchor anywhere when I turned off the light to sleep. This felt very disorienting and likely lasted for some months. (I think this may have been a release of some visceral sense of anchoring in the body.)
Easily destabilized
Throughout this – especially for some years after the initial oneness shift, and after my health collapse and the onset of the stronger “dark night” phase – I have noticed two things.
One is that I have been highly sensitive to what’s going on in others, to noise, and to being stuck with people on trains and in planes, and so on. It’s been very uncomfortable. (Of course, this is likely because the world mirrored something in me I hadn’t quite found peace with.)
The other is that any meditation, prayer, and healing work tends to destabilize my system. I sometimes end up in bed with fatigue, a sense of my whole system being disorganized and struggling, and a strong discomfort that feels like it goes through all levels – physical, energetic, emotional, and psychological.
WHAT HAS WORKED FOR ME
What has worked for me? It has changed a bit over time, although some have been with me the whole time.
Being in nature helps me a lot, especially if it’s quiet, and I can find time for myself.
Listening to some talks has helped, especially the ones from Adyashanti and Byron Katie. This was mostly during the early phase of the strong dark night years. (These days, it would just destabilize me and overcook me more.)
It has been immensely helpful to find others who understand. Some functioned as guides for me, some were in the same boat as me (or had been), and some had written about it from their own experience or through studies. I found the Dark Night chapter in Mysticism by Evelyn Underhill immensely helpful when I was going through that, and I also found more modern books on spiritual emergency helpful.
I explore how I relate to any discomfort and life in general – through inquiry, tonglen, ho’oponopono, parts work and dialog, and so on. How is it to find peace with this experience, with what’s here now?
I notice it’s all happening within and as what I am. It comes and goes, as anything else. It’s a part of this temporary and fleeting tapestry of life. Any experience, any mental representation of it, any reaction to it, it’s all happening within and as what I am. It all comes and goes as anything else.
I notice my stressful thoughts. What does this thought say? Where does it come from? (Often, family, culture, passed on through generations.) Can I know for certain it’s true? What happens when my system holds it as true? How do I perceive when holding it as true? How do I live my life? How would it be without it? What’s the genuine validity in its reversals? (The Work of Byron Katie.)
I allow my system to release tension through body-initiated (and body-guided) trembling, shaking, stretching, yawning, sounds, tears, and so on. Whatever comes from my body as a way to release. (Tension and Trauma Release Exercises / TRE.)
Eating well is important. Eating low on the food chain, whole foods, in season, and so on, and mostly avoiding refined and hyper-processed foods. (Without being too rigid about it. It’s more about balance and timing than following an idea of perfection.) This is also grounding, and it avoids the temporary highs & lows and the mood swings that tend to come with refined and hyper-processed foods.
I drink plenty of water, mostly in the form of herbal and spice infusions. This helps me feel generally better. When my system feels off and disorganized, it suprisingly often also helps to drink water with rehydration salts / electrolytes.
Five element acupuncture helps stabilize my system, although it doesn’t always last so long. I would likely have needed weekly sessions to benefit more from this.
Vortex Healing has been my main support after I found it – or it found me – about ten years ago. Energizing, optimizing, and catch-ups are enormously helpful to me. I seem to need sessions about once a week or more often.
Taking a break is crucial. If I notice my system gets too cooked or destabilized, I take a break from explorations. It’s taken me a long time to get this in a more habitual and visceral way.
Similar to the universal advice above, I have found it very helpful to vary my explorations and approaches. I tend to go into one thing deeply, so I have learned to mix it up more.
I have also learned to recognize the signs of overcooking my system, and taking a break as soon as I notice.
From early on, I knew that unusual experiences – or states – is not what it’s about. (Although parts of me were fascinated by and drawn to it.) Now, that too is more visceral.
I have also learned that ethical behavior is grounding and stabilizing, and unethical behavior (acting on reactivity, wounds, trauma) tends to destabilize my inner life and my life in the world. It’s not worth it. This too has become more visceral over time.
On that topic, following my inner guidance and knowing is also crucial for grounding and centering. If I don’t, there is distress and I feel destabilized.
These days, taking a break, mixing it up, nature, and Vortex Healing are my go-tos.
THE BUTTER VISUALIZATION
Why do I use an illustration of Hakuin for this article?
It’s because of Hakuin’s butter visualization, which he recommended for meditation/Zen sickness.
Visualize a lump of butter on your head. It’s gradually melting down your head and down your body – through all cells, organs, systems, and to the soles of your feet. (I like to visualize it continuing deep into the ground as well.)
To me, this is immediately grounding in a warm and soft way.