I thought I would write a more personal story about what happened just before and after the oneness shift when I was sixteen. It’s been a while, so I won’t go into too much detail.
THE YEAR BEFORE: NEW YEAR’S EVE 1985 TO LATE DECEMBER 1986
First, the year leading up to the oneness shift.
Alcohol and fog
New Year’s Eve of 1985, when I was fifteen, I went to a party and drank quite a lot of vodka. I remember getting involved with a girl, then there were some hours I don’t remember, and I woke up at home the morning after and felt surprisingly fine. That day, around noon January 1st 1986, I was outside the house and it was as if a fog set in. My head felt woolen and the world started feeling distant. I assume the alcohol had something to do with it. (It was the first time I drank any significant amount of alcohol, and I have mostly stayed away from it since, apart from the very occasional small amounts of wine with food and the occasional oatmeal stout beer.)
The world far away, and absorbed into the witness
That year, I lived within that fog and with the sense that the world – including this human self – was very far away. Later, I understood that the consciousness I am was identified with and as the idea/mental construct of the observer, and everything else went far away. There was one identification left, and the rest largely released.
Seeing light
One day that summer, I sat outside the house under the birch trees, reading a book. I looked up at the tree and the sky, and noticed a light around the leaves. I assumed it was a kind of optical illusion or something with my eyes, and didn’t think about it more.
In the following day, I started seeing a light around not only leaves, but everything – people, animals, plants, inanimate objects. I would have thought this too was an optical illusion, if it wasn’t for the difference in the type of light – the quality, structure, etc. – around the different kinds of things. It was more complex and extended out further for humans. A little less for our cat, but similar. Even a little less and simpler for plants. And even simpler for inanimate objects. There were also some individual differences.
For all, the light extended out infinitely far, often getting more faint and fine further out.
I think I had heard about auras at that point, and thought that may be what I was seeing.
THE ONENESS SHIFT: LATE DECEMBER 1986
Almost exactly one year later, between Christmas and New Year 1986, I walked up the unpaved road to our house. It was dark, a big wind went through the landscape, the wind blew in the birch trees lining the road, and the sky was filled with stars. I stopped, looked up at the wind in the trees and the stars, and it all changed from one second to the next.
Everything – without exception – was revealed as God, as Spirit. The stars, the wind, the trees, the road, this human self and everything about this human self, this consciousness experiencing it all, all was revealed as God. It was God taking all these forms and experiencing itself as all of it.
Even the previous idea that this human self was experiencing all of it, and that there was an I there in this human self, was God temporarily creating that experience for itself.
Everything was turned upside down and inside out.
This shift was immensely strong, lasted for years and is still here, and it was followed by a huge amount of energy going through this human self. I remember thinking it was as if high voltage went through ordinary housing wires.
It also led to an even more immense influx of inspiration and insights, to the point where I couldn’t keep up. It was followed by periods of amazing synchronicities, of seeing energies even more clearly and realizing I could see how awake a consciousness is to itself, discovering distance sensing and healing abilities, and more.
I should mention that at a human level, I had been a self-described atheist since third of fourth (?) grade, I had absolutely no conscious interest in religion or spirituality, knew very little about it, and mostly had disdain for it.
Update: The shift must have happened December 28th, 29, or 30th, 1986. It was after I made the drawing above (December 27, 1986), and before New Year’s Eve.
Influx of music and art
As I mentioned, after the oneness shift, there was a huge influx (or bubbling up) of inspiration for music and art. I started making music and draw, and it was as if the music and art came to me ready-made, and I just had to try to get it out. The amount, strength, and beauty of what came was overwhelming for my human self.
I made the music below over a week in the summer when I was seventeen (?), and the drawing was made December 27, 1986 when I was sixteen. All filtered through my lack of technical skills and experience. (Listening to it now, it’s not that amazing, but I can see the reflections and seeds of something there.)
THE PROCESS AFTER
At the time, there was the thought that there must be something more, something “out there” somewhere, and the shift was followed by a state – a bliss – that this human mind associated with the oneness shift.
After the oneness shift, this human self has been on a journey of exploration. I have written about that elsewhere so won’t go into it here, apart from mentioning that I loved the Jesus/Heart Prayer, Christ meditation, and tonglen. I got into the Tibetan Buddhist Ngöndro practice. I spent a few years at a Zen center. The first I found who described something similar to what was revealed here was Meister Eckhart (filtered through his time and tradition, and wanting to be cautious). I loved the books of Ken Wilber I found (late teens). I loved systems views and Fritjof Capra (in my mid-teens and later).
In terms of how it shifted, a few things stand out.
I realized this is it, the sense of “something more” was created by the images in the mind of this human self.
I had a period of engaging and focusing on activities in the world – community organizing and sustainability work, and all of this went more into the background. (This was driven by circumstances and not something I necessarily consciously wanted.)
I got back into these explorations again, realized more clearly that my mind had mixed up side effects of the shift (bliss) with my naturally actually noticing itself, and there was more of a differentiation and clarification of my nature – as “just” this awake space taking all the forms of experience, and even more fundamentally capacity for all of it.
There was a period in my thirties of going through many different phases, including a strong no-self state that lasted about six months and where the no-self aspect of my nature became very clear and unmissable. (I described much of this as it happened on this website. See articles from mid-to late 2000s.)
This was followed by a strong dark night of the soul, which I have also described in other articles.
HOW IT HAS CHANGED
It feels a little presumptuous to talk about how it has matured, especially considering how messy the process has been during the dark nigth phase. But I can say something about how it has changed.
Noticing and clarification
As I mentioned, one shift is from confusing the side effects of the initial shift with my nature noticing itself. At a conscious level, I knew the difference, but at a visceral level, my system sought the bliss. These days, there is more a simple noticing of the essence of my nature and my human self has largely gotten onboard with it.
As part of that, meditation and the noticing has gotten simpler. This human self often put a lot of effort into meditation and inquiry – especially in his twenties. Now, the noticing is much simpler. It’s just a noticing throughout the day, when attention goes there, and it’s there through shifting states and experiences. No need for formal meditation or practice. No need for any pointers or inquiry. (No need in terms of this noticing, that is. Formal practice and inquiry is still helpful for other things, mostly to clarify, explore, and invite this human self to be more onboard with it all.)
Also, at first – for the first ten or more years – this human self was very excited about it all. There was an intensity about it, likely coming from a fear of losing it. (Again, he consciously knew it cannot be lost, but there was a visceral fear of losing it, or not noticing it anymore, of it not being a conscious part of this life.) These days, this too is simpler. It’s more a noticing.
Relationship with teachings and maps
In my teens, twenties, and thirties, I read voraciously about these things – from any and no traditions. Sometimes two or three books a week. I wanted to know what others said about it, and the words and maps they used. I listened to hundreds of hours of talks, from Adyashanti, Byron Katie, and others. These days, there is very little of that. Again, the simplicity of noticing is enough. It’s not better, just what’s happening now. This shift was nudged by living with CFS, which makes it difficult to take in or process much information.
In the initial oneness phase, I used a more traditional interpretation of awakening. I saw it as God, Spirit, or Existence awakening to itself as all there is, while sensing through this human self. These days, it makes more sense to find fluidity between a small and big interpretation of awakening. The big or spiritual interpretation assumes that the nature of all of existence is the same as what I find here. It’s inspiring, and it aligns with what we find in most traditions. A small or psychological interpretation of awakening is about what I can directly notice, and it does not assume that the nature of existence is the same as mine. That one is more honest, it’s a lowest common denominator, and it fits better an academic or modern mindset.
Maturing of the human self
To this human self, the oneness shift and what came with felt overwhelmingly extraordinary for a while. It was recognized as both extraordinary and ordinary, and the feeling emphasis was on the extraordinariness. These days, the charge is not there so much anymore.
For some time, this human self – because of his low self-esteem and feeling unloved and unlovable – used the oneness shift as a kind of badge of honor and to feel better than others. He didn’t talk about it with others, partly because just about nobody were interested, but he secretly held it as a way to improve his fragile self-esteem. That too has changed, although there are some traces left.
A process without a finishing line
I am aware that this “maturing”, if we can call it that, has taken a long time – decades. At a human level, it feels a bit embarrassing, but I know the slowness likely comes from the relatively strong and deep trauma this human self is dealing with.
At a conscious level, there has been a good deal of clarity from the beginning. And at a visceral and human level, it’s much more slow, messy, and takes time.
I am also very aware that this is a process without a finishing line. (At least in this lifetime and likely forever.) There is always more clarification, deepening, humbling, wearing off of old patterns, this human self aligning more thoroughly with oneness, and so on.
I am still right in the middle of the process, as I have been the whole time and likely always will be.
Note: My brain fog is quite strong these days, and I am aware that it likely strongly color how things come out in writing. I am unable to do much editing, unfortunately, so I plan to get back to this later – if I remember – and clean it up a bit.