A brief update on the chronic fatigue….
I have been blessed to come in contact with an excellent herbalist who, among other things, worked for ten years mainly with people who had chronic fatigue. It is a reminder of how simple changes can make a big difference, in this case taking a few common herbs and vitamins, and getting more sleep.
When I was 17 or so, I remember sitting outside one summer day reading a book, looking up at the leaves against the light blue sky, and noticing a light band around the leaves. I took it to be an optical illusion. In the following days and weeks, I notice a similar light band around animals, inanimate objects and also humans. And it was slightly different in each case. Around plants, a vitality and also quite uniform. Around animals, a little more alive and varied further out. Around inanimate object, very simple and clear. Around humans, even more varied further out.
This difference around different types of objects suggested that it was something more than an optical illusion, and I soon realized that what I was seeing was more of a property of the object I saw it around. One or two years later I met someone who was much more familiar with this and helped me be more comfortable with it, partly through looking at the field around people and recognizing that we saw the same thing, or at least something so similar that the differences were not noticeable in language.
Cleaning out my digital attic, I found these music files I made when I was 16. I borrowed a synth module for about a week during summer vacation, and spent most of those days playing with it.
Another brief biographical nugget. (This one also shared with many.)
When I was a child, younger than school age, I had several flashes of memories from before I was born. There was a sense of golden luminosity, an infinite love and wisdom, and of being home. There was also a sene of communication taking place, possibly about this particular life.
These flashes would happen most frequently when I was outside in the garden during the summer, seeing the light filtering through the leaves of the trees.
Looking back, it is funny – although very understandable – how I didn’t make any connection between this and religion as a kid. The only forms of religion I had been exposed to had a distant and abstract cardboard-feel to it, and this memory was vivid, alive and rich. And not even just a memory, but also alive and present in the timeless now.
A small biographical tidbit which illustrates a more universal dynamic.
As a child, I would often wake up in the morning with a deep longing. And I would get up and eat a strawberry jam sandwich (my favorite), be with my parents, read Donald Duck comics, and do other things to try to still or satisfy the longing, but nothing worked.
Then, as there was the initial (Ground+soul level) awakening in my mid-teens, I realized that this was what I had longed for. I knew – somewhere in the background – that this is what I am, and longed intensely for it. I was finally home, and finally, I knew what home was.
Reading Joel’s story, where dreams figure prominently, reminds me of a couple of Big Dreams early on in my own process.
Apollo
I am with my tai chi teacher and a female friend I have a strong soul connection with. There is a wreath hung on a pole at some distance from us. My tai chi teacher lifts a bow and shoots an arrow through the wreath. She hands me the bow, smiles, and says it is my turn. I initially doubt I can do it, but then know I will shoot the arrow through as she had. My friend says I am blessed by Apollo, and I know she is blessed by Aphrodite.
This dream occurred when I was 19 or 20 years old, a couple of years into the F7-F9 awakening (in Ken Wilber’s framework). My only teacher at the time was my tai chi teacher, a woman I admired tremendously – especially for her dedication to the path and her living insights and realizations. My friend was a woman 7 years older than me who I met in the tai chi class. She turned out to be a tremendously important mentor for me, and we had a very strong and deep soul connection. Apollo is the Greek god of the sun. Looking back, I can see all the uncertainty I experienced at the time, moving in uncharted waters and with almost my only guidance from the process itself – which was strong enough to lead the way.
I didn’t shoot the arrow through in the dream, but knew I would. I am not sure if it is shot through yet, probably not quite. Maybe it is in mid-air. Maybe it won’t land until I die.
The Gold Fish
I am in a courtyard in a very old European brick building. It is in an ancient city, and the courtyard is one of a few inside of a city block. The lower part of the courtyard is filled with water, and a large golden fish is swimming in the murky water. There are some others around the edges, but I am the only one going into the water. I know I have to touch the fish. I swim out to it.
This dream occurred a few months after the previous one. The gold fish may represent individuation (centaur level) and also further awakenings. The image of the golden fish in the murky water enclosed by old brick buildings is similar to the lotus blossom emerging from the mud. I lived in an old brick building just like this one when I had the dream, in a spacious loft six levels up.
In the interest of sincerity, I thought I would write something here about things I usually don’t write or talk about. There are several reasons for usually not bringing this up. One is that these are either some of the fruitions of particular practices, just a gift, and/or unique to anyone’s path. The other, and main reason, is that these things too often can become a hangup – if they receive too much attention or get talked about. And of course, it all seems pretty weird which does not do this any favors.
That said, here are some of them…
Energy
In the initial awakening in my teens, I saw everything as energy and consciousness. In my daily life, I saw everything as energy and also with an energy field around it – people, animals, plants and inanimate objects (although the quality of the energy is different for each of these). And as the awakening, this lasted and deepened for many years. The funny thing is that even during the fall from grace, I still saw everything as energy and consciousness – as God – but it gave no comfort whatsoever.
This summer, after the first deeksha, the volume of this seeing was amplified considerably. The weekend after I was at a retreat at the foot of Mt. Hood (near Portland), and in the dusk the first day I saw the trees and everything else very strongly as energy and consciousness. It was a relatively strong layer added to just the physical seeing. I went for a walk through the woods and it turned into a pitch dark moonless night, walking amongst tall and dense trees. Still, I could clearly see the energy-overlay of the path contrasting – in quality – with the energy-overlay of the underbrush at the sides of the path, and the trees. It was very easy to see the path winding in front of me, even in the absence of just about any physical light. Some weeks later, I read somewhere that the native americans apparently were quite familiar with this and used it regularly as a practical aid (don’t know if that is true, but it was an interesting synchronicity).
Blessings
I have mentioned some of the instances of melting into what could be disturbing experiences, and how it all shifts and turns – often into a sense of fullness, coming home and tinged with bliss. There are other aspects of it that I have left out. For instance, some weeks ago at a workshop very strong experiences of being a failure and inadequate came up. It lasted throughout the evening and I experienced that it was at the edge of what I could bear. I laid down on the bed, melted into it, prayed sincerely and turned it all over to God. What followed was an experience of a large number of saints and awakened ones pouring into me and filling me completely, in a tremendous sense of love and bliss. Everything was openened, and there was no “I” in it anywhere.
During my initial awakening, I used Christian prayer and meditation techniques along with some Buddhist ones, especially the heart prayer and a Christ meditation/visualization. I experienced the Christ energy strongly and the profound love that is part of it (and also saw a “flame” at the top of my head in the mirror after these prayers/meditations, similar to what is described in the Acts). This fall, this has come back some, although still at a low level.
Light
During my initial awakening and also now, there is a lot of empty light going on. During just about any sitting practice, everything becomes filled with empty light, and a few minutes into the sitting period everything often melts into and turns into light (I sit with eyes half open).
Synchronicities
During my initial awakening, there was a tremendous amount of synchronicities. My days were filled with them, sometimes to the astonishment to those around me. This has come back some this fall, although also at a much lower level.
Visualizations
The previous ones are so familiar for me that they seem completely ordinary and unremarkable, to the point where I don’t pay much attention to it anymore. But there is something that I still hesitate to bring up because it doesn’t fit with my identity as a human self…! Which in itself is a good reason to bring it up as it can help me soften this limited identity.
The deeksha comes from two gurus from India, Bhagavan and Amma. I have never been into guru-devotion or anything of the like, but the deeksha obviously works and has been an immense blessing for me, so I do experience a deep gratefulness for what is behind them and for them as vehicles for it. Sometime following my first deeksha, before sleep, I decided to see how it would be to interact with them and they immediately came up in visualizations. This is just the ordinary form of visualizations, such as used in active imagination, and not anything beyond that. Still, the non-verbal interactions have been very interesting and a blessing in itself.
This first time, I saw them both walk towards me with joyous smiles and a deep sense of connection. They moved into my heart and a small basin of silver appeared there, filled with nectar. They bathed in this basin with childlike joy. This repeated itself for a few days each time I connected in this way, during my days and in the evening before falling asleep and in the morning upon waking. Then, there was a period where I saw them dead in the same basin, although I knew it was probably just part of the process (somewhat disturbing, but not overwhelmingly so). Some weeks ago, they would fly through me and break patterns open whenever I made this connection. This morning, Bhagavan held around my stomach area and did some healing there, and then melted into me and became me. My usual physical form became his physical form.
As I mentioned, this is all in the ordinary type of visualization, similar to dreams and active imagination. Not anything beyond that, although still deeply meaningful and a blessing.
Of course, this is all happening in the world of form. It is transitory as everything else, and nothing to get too caught up in. It is just the part of the process – much of it experienced in similar ways each time someone goes through it. And it is also unique each time as well, a unique contribution to the overall tapestry.
I am curious about the various phases of awakening. It seems that it there is an infinite variety and richness here, and possibly also some broad similarities.
St. John of the Cross talks about the dark night of the senses and the dark night of the soul. As far as I understand (from very limited readings), it seems that…
The dark night of the senses refers to a detachment to a dualistic view and an exclusive identification with the human self. This of course can be experienced as very dramatic, and painful as well. There is a detachment to anything in the world of phenomena, which gives rise to a more non/transdual view. This is the second of Tozan’s five ranks, a submission to a teacher – or in Christianity, to God/Christ (the first rank is an initial glimpse, to wet the appetite).
We now find ourselves as Big Mind/Heart, and see the human self as just a vehicle in the world of phenomena. In the Christian tradition, there is the experience of “I” as a human self stepping aside, giving room for God to live through this human self.
In the Buddhist tradition, this is called the bright sun of enlightenment. It is the birth of the Buddha, and thus an infant Buddha stage where we are fascinated with this new way of being. This is the third of Tozan’s ranks.
Naturally, we become attached to this state. It is wonderful and (apparently) complete beyond description. Why would we want to let it go? So we become stuck here, and Existence is wise enough to nudge us out of it, usually with us kicking and screaming.
This is the dark night of the soul, or Tozan’s fourth rank. It is a fall from grace. An experience of being forsaken by God, of loosing any connection with Big Mind and/or God. It is a terrible wasteland, compared with the glory, fullness and completeness of the previous stage. We are now again completely human, completely in the relative.
We rehumanize, and when we fully embrace this, there is an opening again – this time more gentle and integrated. We find ourselves as the Absolute, as Big Mind/Heart and one with God, and we find ourselves as just ordinarily human, with all our usual flaws and peculiarities. And there is a fluidity and deepening integration between the two. This is Tozan’s fifth rank, also known as the hazy moon of enlightenment.
It is a more ordinary, integrated, mature and human form of awakening/deepening.
Of course, it is often not quite as linear as this, and there is probably cycles within cycles. We may go through all these five in order or out of order, several times, within one lifetime (or even a day!).
For me, the three first stages of Tozan happened almost all at once. I was 16, and quite sick from what later turned out to be multiple severe food intolerances. First, my center of gravity moved from my human self to the formless awareness (this gave the world a dreamlike appearance, and I was convinced there was something very wrong going on). This gradually led to an awakening where I eventually experienced God as absolute everything, with no exception. All – in the world of phenomena and formless awareness, is God. It was a very intense state, lasting day and night for years, with a tremendous flooding of realizations and insights (just about all of which mirrored what I later read in Buddhism and Christian/Sufi mysticism). And of course, I got quite attached to being Big Mind/Heart continuously for years…
Then, there was a fall, about ten years later. It looked very prosaic from the outside, triggered just by external circumstances (moving away from a Zen center). And still, my experience of it was that of utter devastation and desolation. My connection with God/Big Mind was completely gone. I had nightmares almost nightly for two or three years about this loss. I again became just an ordinary human being, and it was terrible after the bliss of continuously being one with God/Big Mind. I resisted it for several years, until my external circumstances again changed and I began to take responsibility for my situation again.
As I embraced myself as I was (a wreck at this point), the opening returned – this time in a much more ordinary and unremarkable way. Now, there is a gradual integration of the absolute and relative, at a relatively slow and comfortable pace.
And of course, this whole rigmarole may well repeat itself, in a new form, within this lifetime. There is still much further to go, both in terms of awakenings and integration.
To summarize…
First, there is just an ordinary exclusive identification with our human self, and an acompaning dualistic view. Then, a glimpse of something more (Tozan’s first rank).
Then, submission to God/Christ or a teacher (Tozan’s second rank). Here, there is also a disidentification with anything in the world of phenomena, including our human self and a dualisitc view (dark night of the senses).
This is followed by an awakening to/as the Absolute, as Big Mind, a union with God. (Tozan’s third rank). Here, we naturally become attached to the absolute.
And this attachment leads to a fall from grace (the dark night of the soul, Tozan’s fourth rank). We are utterly alone, utterly desolate, utterly and purely human. We are (apparenlty) forsaken by God. We are ground to dust and thoroughly humbled.
As we finally come to accept our new situation, as just one human among many, there is a new awakening and integration. Now, we find ourselves as the Absolute – in union with God, and as human – one of many. There is a more natural integration, as sense of the ordinary and unremarkable of it. We finally become more deeply human. (Tozan’s fift rank, also called the Integrated Free Functioning Human Being in the Big Mind terminology).
During an 1 1/2 hour nap Friday morning (at Jen’s office), there was an unbroked, continious stream of consciousness – through falling asleep, deep sleep phase, dreams and waking up. It witnessed it all, or “I” witnessed it all, and also was aware of what was happening throughout.
This is pretty typical when we are engaged in any form of practice where awareness becomes aware of itself as distinct from its content. It is the personality – the organism with its patterns of sensations, emotions, thoughts – that goes to sleep. When awareness is identified with its content – with this personality – that too goes asleep. When it awakens to itself as separate from its content, it can continue to stay in awareness even while the personality is sleeping.
I had this happening for several years after/during my opening experience in my teens/early 20s. At the time, it came with very strong energies and intensity – with a sense of tapping into infinite awareness (beyond dualities), learning and reorganization (of personality and more) during sleep. This time, it was very calm and ordinary.
Friday night and Saturday, I did a Big Mind workshop with Genpo Roshi in Portland.
I dreamt that we were moving into a house far larger than we thought. It had a large number of rooms, one of which led to a large public swimming pool…!
We are moving into a new house next week. It is large, but I have concerns about storage space – its from the 70s when they thought people didn’t need storage space. These types of dreams often reflect a process of exploring new sides of oneself. That may be the case as I am in a quite demanding architecture program, and already feel I have explored much – in terms of design and my personality.
In my mid-teens, I had a recurrent strong dream that still is vivid to me. I saw myself somewhere between one and two decades into the future, living in a particular region of North-America, in an ecologically and spiritually oriented community. The dream had a numinous quality – related to the community.
The dream was very strong, and I still have flashbacks – small events that brings back the particular numinous quality from the dream. I had a clear visual impression of which area it was from, and an atlas confirmed that it was in the Pacific Northwest of the US.
At the time, I had no intention of ever visiting or moving to North-America. I did, and still do, have an unfavorable impression of the US culture and politics. Yet, circumstances and coincidences brought me here some years back to study psychology, and I am still here. Last summer, I moved to the Pacific Northwest. My impression of US culture and politics is unchanged, although I experience a strong connection to the land – especially in the West – and have found many good people and friends here.
The dream? For me, the dream is a sign of what I should look for to be fulfilled. I have explored the various elements at different phases of my life since then. Art and spirituality in Oslo. Living in a spiritual community in Salt Lake City. Sustainability and community in Madison, Wisconsin.
It seems that I am about ready to find a more integral approach.