Trading integrity for love

This is a recurrent topic in my life, and one that’s familiar to most of us in one variation or another.

  1. There is a deficient self. I am unlovable. I am not enough. I am not OK.
  2. I try to get it from others.  I need her love. I need her approval. I need her company. I need her validation.
  3. Since I take myself to be deficient, it sometimes feels like a life and death issue.
  4. So I compromise on my authenticity, what feels right, and following my guidance. I set this aside so I can get what I think I need.
  5. This makes me feel off track and that something is wrong. I miss opportunities. I find myself in situations that don’t feel right.
  6. So I feel regret and anger. And I blame others, life, and myself.

When I look at the situations in my past I still have regret about, this is the pattern that unfolded. For instance, at one point I left my life – and most of what was important to me – for a relationship, so I could feel loved and validated.

So what can I do?

I can meet this unloved part of me with quiet presence and love.

I can meet this unexamined part of me with gentle curiosity and inquiry.

I can see if I can find the unlovable one, or unloved one, or the one who is not enough, or not OK. (Living Inquiries.)

I can see if I can find love, approval, validation, company – as a real thing.

I can question my beliefs about it. (The Work.)

Note: When I call this post “trading integrity for love” that’s not literally accurate. It’s how it’s experienced in the moment, and love and validation from another does feed something in us, but what I am really looking for – and the only thing that will completely satisfy me – is to find that love for myself, and specifically for the previously unloved parts, and also to see that these things are really unfindable.


– deficient self -> getting it from others + life & death issue -> compromising on authenticity, what feels right, following ones guidance etc. -> regret, anger


– feeling incomplete, something missing, deficient self, unlovable,
– giving away my power for acceptance, love, company
– the things I regret in my life, bc I put someone else’s needs over/before my own
– also, passive, don’t stand up for my own needs
– creates anger, regret, feeling lost, sense of being paralyzed, hopelessness
– seeking relationship to save me, think I need a woman to save me, give away my power, put her needs/wishes over my own (to keep the relationship)
– father, lost mother while young, let his wife take charge, “bully” him around
– family patterns, ancestral


– putting others’ needs before my own -> regret, anger
– do it bc of lack, deficient self, to get what I think I need (love, acceptance, company, validation)
– a relationship/woman will save me (complete me, validate me) – if believe that, easy to give up my own life, what’s important to me, set someone else’s wishes/needs before my own

– where leave myself
– for approval, love, validation (that I am OK, lovable) + not to be alone

– my weak spot


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