Daily, I notice the contrast between the clarity of what I am and the muddledness of who I am.
My nature is inherently clear and my human self is somewhat muddled in a few different ways.
THE CLARITY OF WHAT I AM
When I look, I find I am not primarily this human self. More fundamentally, my nature is capacity for my experience of the world. I am what my experience of the world – of any content of experience including anything connected with this human self – happens within and as.
Here, there is an inherent clarity. This clarity is unavoidable. It’s part of my nature.
If I wanted to put it into words, I could say:
It’s a clarity that frictionlessly allows any and all content of experience. It inherently doesn’t stop any experience because it is and takes the form of all of it.
It’s the clarity of consciousness inherently conscious of any and all experiences, even if it may not be reflected in any conscious examination of it. It’s prior to the wonderful gymnastics of making itself into an apparent I and Other so it can reflect on experiences and analyze and be consciously conscious of experiences.
It’s a clarity inherent in what I am. It’s not fabricated. It doesn’t come and go. It’s not any clarity related to this human self, like mental clarity.
And any attempt to put it into words seems a bit futile, perhaps because I haven’t directly examined this clarity so much and the nature of this clarity is not entirely clear to me.
Daily, I notice the contrast between this inherent clarity and the muddledness of my human self.
This muddledness comes from the nature and characteristics of this human self and takes a few different forms.
As a human self, I have hangups, emotional issues, blindspots, traumas, and so on.
Even if oneness notices itself, it has to live through this human self. This human self has many parts formed within and operating from separation consciousness. And these parts will inevitably color perception, choices, and how this human self lives in the world.
My nature is oneness and clarity, and that doesn’t mean that this human self always will operate cleanly from it. A lot more is going on than just oneness and clarity.
Similarly, this particular human self has brain fog and chronic fatigue. Even if my nature has inherent clarity, it doesn’t always translate into mental clarity.
ALL HAPPENING WITHIN AND AS WHAT I AM
How does this look in my direct experience?
I notice this inherent clarity in my nature.
I notice the muddledness of my human self in the form of hangups and brain fog.
And if I look, notice that this muddledness happens within and as this clarity.
The clarity takes the local and temporary form of hangups and brain fog.
It’s one of the many ways it expresses, explores, and experiences itself.
It’s part of the play of this clarity.
A NOTE ABOUT ABSTRACTIONS AND REAL LIFE
In my first draft of this article, I started with examples from my own life. And in my second, I gravitated toward abstractions. That often happens.
Why? Probably because I personally am familiar with the specifics of how this looks in my own life, I am curious about finding more general dynamics and the essence of it, and I use this writing to support inquiry to find the apparent essence. While this is satisfying for me, I know that for readers, it can seem a bit dry, abstract, and intellectual.
That’s why it’s good to span both in these types of writings, and include both specific examples from daily life and also the more general dynamics and the essence within it.
So what are some examples of what I wrote about above?
In daily life, I notice the clarity of my nature. It’s unavoidable. I notice the clarity that’s always here, the clarity of what I am. If I am not engaging mentally, I am unaware of any brain fog. And as soon as I engage mentally, I am often very aware of the brain fog. (From Chronic Fatigue Syndrome / CFS). I have trouble processing information. I have trouble organizing my thoughts so I can express them clearly. I may have trouble remembering. I am unable to find words. And so on. When this happens, I am often a bit surprised. Even if I have lived with this contrast for decades, a part of me is still a bit surprised by it. And when I look more closely, I see that the brain fog – the sense of cotton in the head, the inability to function mentally very well, the way parts of me react to it, and so on – is all happening within and as the clarity. Even the lack of mental clarity is an expression of the clarity I am.
One of the more dramatic examples happened several years ago. I visited Crater Lake in Oregon on a hot summer day and hadn’t had enough to eat or drink. My human self had heat exhaustion, bordering on heat stroke, and didn’t function very well at all. At the same time, I was very aware of being this clarity and what all of this – this confused human self in trouble, the car, my then-wife, the landscape – happened within and as. I was clarity that this confusion and troubles happened within and as.
A NOTE ABOUT CLARITY
As I mentioned above, these are different types of clarity and muddledness.
One is the clarity inherent in our nature which we can notice if we look in our first-person experience.
Another is mental clarity or muddledness.
And yet another is the kind of muddledness that’s here when parts of our human self function from separation consciousness. And the kind of clarity that’s here when more of our human self is more fully aligned with a conscious noticing of oneness.Read More