Tag: autobiography

Flashbacks to before this life & a familiarity with all as consciousness

moe Leave a comment

As a kid, I had flashbacks to before this life.

THE FLASHBACKS

The flashbacks were to a time of all as consciousness, golden light, and a profound sense of being home.

I am consciousness and part of this infinite field of formless consciousness and infinite love and wisdom.

Within this field, there is a focal point which is “me”.

There is a sense of timelessness, although with a sense of time – and the physical world – as a whisper, almost infinitely far away.

The sense of being home is profound, far beyond what we usually associate with that word.

I remember having these flashbacks while being outside on the west side of the house with the sunlight filtering through the birch trees above me. Writing this, I am sitting inside the house just a few meters away from where it happened.

It’s difficult to put it into words.

A FAMILIARITY WITH ALL AS CONSCIOUSNESS

Looking back, I see that a familiarity with all as consciousness came with me into this life. When the oneness shift happened at age sixteen, that’s what was revealed again. All is consciousness. All is Spirit, the divine, God.

This human self and any content of experience, including any sense of being an I or observer or doer, happens within and as the divine. It’s all the play of Spirit.

All of existence – including the appearance of being a separate being – is the divine expressing, exploring, and experiencing itself in always new ways.

HOW TO UNDERSTAND THE FLASHBACKS

These flashbacks can be understood as an actual memory and temporarily shifting back into it.

They can also be understood as a projection of what’s here now.

I suspect all of it may be true. It is a kind of memory. It was a shifting back into it. And it’s how it already is here and now, whether it’s consciously noticed or not.

A FEW MORE WORDS ABOUT THE FLASHBACKS

These flashbacks happened before school age. They happened, it was profoundly familiar, and I didn’t think about it or speak about it.

I did not connect it with anything related to religion or God since the way people talked about those things were very different. (I became a self-professed atheist in elementary school since I thought religion as presented to me was nonsense.)

Later in childhood, I would sometimes wake up with a profound longing in me. I tried everything I could think of to satisfy that longing, but nothing touched it. I didn’t connect the longing with these flashbacks until after the oneness shift.

OTHER SHIFTS BETWEEN

There were some other shifts between the flashbacks and the oneness shift.

What I remember are states of a profound sense of connection with the universe, with all of existence.

I watched Cosmos by Carl Sagan when I was about ten, walked out into the garden under a dark night sky filled with stars, and profoundly felt what he said: I am the universe bringing itself into consciousness. I am the local eyes, ears, thoughts, and feelings of the universe.

A couple of years later, I slept under the sky in the mountains of Norway (Sølenskaret), under a wide open dark sky filled with stars and satellites moving from horizon to horizon. Here too, there was a shift into a profound sense of oneness with the universe and all of existence. I am an expression of this vast whole.

When I was fifteen, there was another shift. On the first of January, I was outside our house talking with friends, and I experienced the world becoming distant. The world, including anything connected with this human self, was far away. This was disturbing to my human self and I went to many specialists who could not find anything. This lasted almost a year, minus two or three (?) days, until the oneness shift happened. I later understood that this was a shift into identification with and as “the observer”, and the oneness shift was a shift out of that identification too.

SIMILARITY TO NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCES

When I hear Near-Death Experiences (NDEs), there is often a sense of deep familiarity.

The essence is what I am familiar with from the flashbacks – a profound sense of being home, a profound sense of love and peace, of being disembodied, and so on.

I am also familiar with the effects many describe…

A sense of awe and wonder over life and existence.

A profound gratitude for life and existence.

A sense of compassion for all beings and life.

A shift in priorities. Money, success, and status don’t seem that important. (Although now, much later in life and with a chronic illness, life has put me in a situation where I need to take it more seriously.)

Reduced fear of death. (When I was close to dying from sepsis, there was just a curiosity about what’s on the other side. The fear was of having to live with lasting damage in this life.)

A fascination with the mystery of it all – life, death, existence. The profound mystery that all of existence is.

A profound appreciation of this human life in the world. I know it’s a blip within the infinity of the consciousness I am. It’s rare. It’s a precious opportunity to experience physical life.

A profound knowing that words and thoughts cannot even begin to touch reality and existence.

A shift in worldview – to all as consciousness and oneness. (For me, that also took the form of a fascination with approximations like systems views, integral models, and so on.)

Sustainability. I have a profound interest in sustainability and playing a small part in creating a more sustainable and life-centered civilization.

Not fitting in. I have often felt I don’t quite fit in, that my experiences and path are not very well understood by many, and that society is not set up for people like me. On the other hand, when I meet others with similar experiences, there is often an immediate and deep sense of recognition and familiarity.

Psychic abilities. As a kid, I was fascinated with ESP and similar. Within the “observer” shift when I was fifteen, I noticed I could see energies, sense at a distance, and invite in healing at a distance.

DIFFERENCES FROM NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCES

There are also some differences from many near-death experiences.

For me, it was all one consciousness and golden light in infinity. There was a focal point but no forms. There is also a memory of communicating with beings within this one consciousness.

This is similar to what I notice now – even the forms happen within and as the one consciousness.

Typical NDEs are of seeing – and interacting with – beings, tunnels, places, and so on, and they don’t emphasize all as consciousness. This is more similar to embodied life as it is to many.

The consciousness I am seemed to have recognized itself before this life, possibly between lives, so maybe that’s why the flashbacks are like that.

If the consciousness we are is still identified as something within its field of experience – as primarily a being – then maybe the experience is more of places, beings, and so on.

The difference may also be from the difference between before-incarnation and near-death experiences. I actually haven’t sought out other before-incarnation experiences so I am not familiar with how others report it.

FIELD AND FOCAL POINT

I find the field and focal point interesting.

In the flashbacks, and here now, I find myself as consciousness that the world – as it appears to me –happens within and as. There is no beginning or end in space. It’s infinite.

In the flashbacks, and here now, there is also a kind of center. In the flashbacks, it was formless. Here and now, it takes the form of this human self. All the sense impressions come through him, and he is a center for himself in the world.

At the same time, that center – in the flashbacks and here and now – happens within and as consciousness. It’s not what I fundamentally am. It’s part of the ephemeral content of experience.

BEING VS CONSCIOUSLY NOTICING AND REFLECTING ON

In the flashbacks, I just am all of it. There is just being.

As a kid, when the flashbacks came, I was transported back into it and into being it for a little while. Here too, there was just a being of it without reflecting on it.

Now, there is a conscious noticing of my nature and my mental field reflects it and reflects on it.

ONE WITH VS ONENESS

I should mention that there is a difference between “one with” and “oneness”.

When the states happened at ten years old and in my early teens, I suspect there was still a sense of I there. There was a sense of being this human self at one with all of existence. That, in itself, is profound.

When the oneness shift happened, it was different. Even the sense of being any kind of I was revealed as an appearance and not what I fundamentally am. What I am is the oneness taking all these forms, consciousness taking these ephemeral forms, and capacity for it all.

Capacity for consciousness and all its content, and capacity taking the form of all of it.

STATES AND SHIFTS

I should also mention that there is a difference between states, which come and go, and my nature noticing itself through and as the always-changing states and experiences.

States come and go, and the noticing remains – or can remain – through it all.

At the same time, that noticing is a state too. It’s a state of noticing. That noticing, as a conscious noticing, can come and go. It can be more or less in the foreground. It can be more or less consciousness.

There is always that noticing here, although it’s not always noticed. It’s not always conscious. It’s not always reflected in mental representations.

DIFFERENTIATION

When the oneness shift happened, my mental field understood it as all – without exception – as Spirit, the divine, and God.

These days, I like to differentiate it a little.

To myself, I am consciousness and the world, as it appears to me, happens within and as the consciousness I am.

Any content of experience – this human self, thoughts, emotions, states, others, the wider world, a sense of me, a sense of I, a sense of an observer or doer, and so on – all happens within and as the consciousness I am. It’s all ephemeral and comes and goes, as all content of experience does.

To me, all appears as consciousness. It’s by necessity since I am consciousness and the world, as it appears to me, happens within and as the consciousness I am.

That doesn’t mean that existence itself IS consciousness. I can say something about my own nature, but I cannot say something for certain about the nature of existence itself.

Of course, many things suggest that all of existence is consciousness, that it’s all the divine, Spirit, God, and so on: undeniable and frequent synchronicities, sensing and healing at a distance, precognition, near-death experiences, memories of life before this incarnation, and so on.

I have and am experiencing a lot of those things, and many others report about it as well, so if I were to put my money on something, it would be on all of existence as consciousness and Spirit. At the same time, I want to be honest and differentiate what I can say something about (my nature as it appears to me) and what I cannot say anything for certain about (the nature of all of existence).

A NOTE

The flashbacks were to the state described above – all is golden light, consciousness, and a profound sense of being home, and also a sense of all, the larger field, as infinite love and wisdom.

It’s a sense of being Spirit and the divine, as a focal point within an infinite field of Spirit and the divine.

Later, after and within the oneness shift, I went back into this and had some other memories. I didn’t include these above since I don’t remember it as part of the flashbacks early in life.

These are memories of other entities – wise and loving – that showed me this life I am living now. They showed me the full life and asked if it was OK with me. I said “yes” even if I didn’t want to leave and I didn’t really want to live that life, although I also did since I knew it needed to happen.

I remember seeing the whole life, that there was a clear shift about mid-life in how my life would be, and that the beings showed me that this life was important in the evolution of Earth and humanity. It wasn’t important in the sense that it was special, but it was important in that this life – along with the lives of millions or billions of others – had a role in this particular phase in the evolution of Earth and humanity.

The mid-life shift had to do with a quite different life, and of giving back to life. The first half was more about receiving, the second more about giving.

I also saw a lot of the struggles I have experienced in this life, which did not seem so attractive. I would rather not have lived it, but also knew it needed to happen and be lived.

I wonder now if the mid-life shift is moving to South America and my life there. It is certainly very different, and I am giving back to life in that I am taking care of the land and helping it regenerate, reforest, and so on.

The beings that showed me this were kind of guides. Similar to me, they were formless although had a kind of focal point within the ocean of Spirit or consciousness. We communicated wordlessly, at least without spoken words.

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My nature is difficult to talk about only if the recipient doesn’t have a reference for it

moe 1 Comment

I find it difficult to talk about my nature and awakening.

It’s not difficult to talk about because it’s something very special or mystical or anything else. It’s difficult to talk about because words only work when they point to something the recipient is already familiar with.

Words are pointers, and for the recipient to understand what they point to, they need some reference from their own noticing or experience.

If I talk about the taste of soursop (guanabana), it won’t make sense to someone who hasn’t tasted it. I can say it has the consistency of snot and tastes like bubble gum, and that will make a little more sense if the recipient understands and is familiar with those references.

That’s why it can be easy and fun to talk about our nature – its aspects, expressions, how it is to notice, how it is to live from this noticing, etc. – with other consciousnesses that notice themselves. We are swimming in the same water, we know the same terrain, and we may notice slightly different things.

It’s why it’s somewhat futile to talk about it to a consciousness that hasn’t yet noticed itself as that. The words don’t make so much sense and a lot of imagination can come in to try to make sense of it, or it’s set aside as delusional or for special people.

And it’s why it, for me, makes much more sense to invite people to notice for themselves. It’s not that difficult. Most can do it within a few minutes with some structured guidance from someone familiar with the terrain. I especially like the Headless experiments and the Big Mind process, and the Kiloby Inquiries can also do it relatively quickly.

Of course, a consciousness can notice its nature. It may notice itself as awake space, as capacity for the world, as what a thought may call consciousness, and that the world as it appears to itself happens within and as itself and has the same nature. And it may not be terrible interested in it. Some will let it pass as a curiosity of not much importance, and some will be fascinated and hooked.

Clarity and brain fog

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I find myself as clarity and fog, and it’s familiar by now after some decades of noticing both.

THE CLARITY

The clarity is here, always. It seems inherent in what I am. It’s the kind of clarity the sky has.

There is awakeness, which is a very ordinary awakeness that seems inherent in what I am. I assume it’s the same kind of awakeness inherent in what all “conscious beings” are. This awakeness has inherent clarity. It’s untainted by anything. This ordinary awakeness takes the form of the whole world as it appears to me, as the whole field of experience.

There is capacity here, capacity for the world as it appears to me. This capacity also has inherent clarity and is untainted by anything. This capacity takes the form of everything – awakeness, all content of experience.

BRAIN FOG

At the same time, there is brain fog. It initially came when I was fifteen, and when it came, it felt like a fog was descending. It has been better and worse, and got a lot worse when the CFS worsened some years ago. It got even worse with the Lyme disease and long-covid over the last few years.

I notice the brain fog in two ways.

In immediate noticing, it’s like a fog that’s everywhere, and also like cotton in and around my head.

When there is activity in the world, it’s easy to notice how the functioning is different because of the fog.

THE SAME

The clarity I fundamentally am takes the form of the brain fog and all its expressions, as it takes the form of all content of experience. The fog is made up of the clarity I am.

Awakeness takes the form of what a thought may call fog. Capacity takes the form of what appears as fog.

GOOD TO NOTICE

It’s interesting to notice, and it helps my human self when it’s noticed.

It means that the fog is not “other” or an enemy or even inherently a problem (other than in a limited and practical sense in some circumstances).

It helps my human self and psychology to find curiosity about it, make friends with it, and so on. (This doesn’t mean there isn’t also at times frustration, struggle, and so. That’s natural.)

SURPRISE

When this human self is resting or on his own, and is not taking in or trying to express anything, the noticing mostly and typically goes to the clarity. There is a clarity here, awake space, that takes the form of all these experiences – the sensation of the wind, the sound of the wind, the taste of hot cocoa where others see a head, the sharp sensation of the chili where others see a head, the sight of the garden, the smell of the land here. The awakeness I fundamentally am takes all of these forms, and always new forms.

When my human self interacts with others, or tries to write, there is often a surprise. He is not able to take in information very well. He may feel a bit disoriented. He is exhausted and drained. In the moment, there is some surprise because of the contrast with the clarity here, and at the same time, it’s familiar.

DIFFICULT TO PUT INTO WORDS

I am very aware that writing about it – how my nature takes the form of all content of experience – won’t resonate with readers who don’t notice this for themselves… yet. Although it’s not that difficult to notice with some structured guidance.

It’s not difficult to talk about because it’s something very special or mystical or anything else. It’s difficult to talk about because words only work when they point to something the recipient is already familiar with.

MORE ABOUT THE BRAIN FOG

How does the brain fog impact how this human self functions?

It makes it difficult to think, talk, or write clearly. It makes it difficult to take in, process, and remember information. I often forget words. I am unable to be as responsive and engaged in conversations as I otherwise would, especially after a few minutes.

If I am rested, I may be able to do much of this relatively normally for five or ten minutes, and then the exhaustion sets in and it all becomes more difficult.

I can read brief texts, but I am unable to read longer articles or books. I can listen to podcasts if it’s on an easy or familiar topic, I am relatively rested, and if it’s not for very long.

When I write here, I usually write what comes to me as it comes to me, based on what I am noticing here and now (when I write about my nature) or what I learned about many years ago (about society, history, domination & partnership cultures, permaculture, food forests, systems views, and so on).

Always, there is a combination of direct noticing and what’s in the mental field of memories, maps, and so on. There has to be for words to come out and make sense.

I am typically not able to do much editing or re-reading of what I write, and I am not able to take in much info to enhance or elaborate on whatever I am writing about. There are many interesting topics I don’t write about, or only write about superficially, since I don’t have capacity to write as I would like because of the brain fog.

Always a beginner & a personal reflection

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Since early in life, I have viscerally felt that I am always a beginner.

IT’S TRUE

It’s true in that there is always infinitely further to go with anything.

Compared to what’s left, I am always far on the beginner end of the spectrum.

There is always infinitely more to experience, learn, and explore. There are always infinite more possible insights, perspectives, and contexts, many of which will make far more sense to me than the ones I have now. There is always infinitely further to go in clarifying, deepening, maturing, and living from.

IT’S A LIMITED TRUTH

It’s also a limited truth.

We know more or less compared with others – the general population and the ones actively exploring something similar to ourselves.

In a conventional sense, we are somewhere on the spectrum from beginner to expert. (Although that spectrum is very short compared to the infinite possibilities out there.)

I have a few decades of actively and close to full-time exploring some of the topics I write about here. That means I likely have more familiarity with some topics than someone just setting out exploring it.

SOME CAVEATS

At the same time, I am aware there are many out there with far more experience, insight, and ability to communicate and share than I have.

I am also very aware that many – independent of age and years of experience – will have insights that go far beyond what I have. It’s far from all about time or effort or what we may think of as credentials.

A HANGUP

There is also a hangup here.

Parts of me strongly dislike attention. This is a family hangup fueled by my parents’ experiences growing up. (For instance, my father’s father was a Nazi in Norway during WW2 and was sentenced to hard labor after the war. You can imagine what that meant socially in a small rural community.) This was strongly reinforced by my own childhood and teenage social experiences. (Traumatic in the real sense of the word.)

This hangup means I am far more comfortable taking on the role of a beginner. When I take on the role of a beginner, it means I can listen, take in, feed my curiosity, and learn.

If I took on the role of someone who knows, it would mean I would have to take more of a central role which I am not very comfortable with.

This is clearly a hangup. I know that someone with a more healthy relationship with this would find far more fluidity between these roles – or any other related roles – according to what the situation asks for.

SOME COSTS OF THIS HANGUP

It also has a cost. It cost me a career in what I have, by far, been most passionate about in my life which is art.

When I got into art in my teens, I quickly received attention in national media, noticed how friends started treating me differently, and so on. I also saw what was required in terms of publicity – creating an image and public persona, cultivating a certain social group, and so on. All of that was a little too much for these sides of me so I decided to study psychology instead. I am passionate about that too, but leaving art felt like tearing off a very important piece of me. I still haven’t recovered from it.

In my mid-teens, I wrote one travel article, which was immediately picked up by the largest newspaper where I lived, given five full pages, and was intentionally read by four or five million. That too felt like a bit much to me so I didn’t write for newspapers or magazines since, even if parts of me would love to.

When I worked with sustainability in Madison in my twenties, I also started to get some attention in the community. Whenever I went outside, I would meet people who knew me from my community work in sustainability and they would often thank me. Of course, a part of me felt good about it, and other parts felt strongly uncomfortable with the attention. I got out of that too. I loved those people and that work and it felt profoundly meaningful to me. We were on the threshold of taking it much further (I handed it over to others who did). That too felt like an amputation and parts of me still feel sad about it.

It also plays out in other ways. For instance, when I was in Norway over the last couple of years, I have now and then gone to a Buddhist meditation in Oslo. There, I take on the role of a complete beginner. I ask questions, listen, and so on. It’s enjoyable and comfortable, but a part of me wishes for a different kind of interaction as well.

When I write here, I do it anonymously. I also chose to write fragments in an ephemeral and marginal format instead of writing for magazines or writing a book.

I am aware that my chronic illness (CFS) nicely fits into this pattern. It allows me to refrain from taking on any role where I could risk visibility. I can stay anonymous.

With the food forest, I have found something where I can stay mostly anonymous. My work benefits innumerable beings that don’t have a voice in society. I wish they had a voice, for their sake, but in this context, it works out well.

On the one hand, I wish these beings had a voice, and I wish food forests and regeneration work were central in human society and the media. It would be, in a more sane, sound, and ecologically informed society. On the other hand, it is a niche that seems to fit me nicely right now. I love it, and I can do it anonymously.

The drawing is one I made when I was sixteen. It was accepted into Høstustillingen, an annual prestigious juried exhibition in Norway, and I was likely close to the youngest to be accepted into that exhibition. The drawing is by a literal beginner since I had just begun drawing. It has a lot of technical imperfections, but there is still something there.

Nature spirits & Finca Milagros

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There are many things I don’t write about or don’t write about often. I try to keep it to what’s pragmatic and accessible to most if not everyone.

One thing I don’t think I have mentioned is my experiences with nature spirits.

When I started to see and consciously sense energies, in the summer when I was sixteen (1986), it was first around plants. I saw it around the leaves of a beautiful birch tree in my parents’ garden. I was sitting outside reading a book in the summer, noticed a light around the leaves, and first thought it was an optical illusion. Over a couple or a few days, it became stronger, and I saw it around everything. I realized it was something else than an optical illusion since the quality and characteristics of the light were different around plants, inanimate objects, animals, and humans.

I also discovered that I can sense at a distance what’s going on in someone’s system, and also invite in healing. Sometimes, that healing is surprisingly effective.

I mention this since it relates to my experiences with what seems like nature spirits.

It seems that I can sense the nature spirits of a place, a landscape, an ecosystem, Earth as a whole, and even through the universe. I can sense them and there is a kind of communication.

It’s a little odd since it seems that there are nature spirits at all levels, or that the one overarching nature spirit can be sensed into and communicated with at different levels. Said another way, it’s a holarchy where wholes are parts of larger wholes, or a seamless system with nested subsystems.

When we first came to Finca Milagros (it was called Santa Lucia then), I had a profound experience of connection with this land and the nature spirits here. I deeply felt they asked me to be here and protect the land. I have never felt that before or anywhere else since, although I experience it daily here. There is a deep sense of communication with the land and the spirits here. I notice how they respond to what’s happening here and seem active participants in the regeneration, reforestation, and food forest project.

I haven’t explored connecting with individual plants so much yet. My wife seems much better at that and often sense what they ask for and need, and it seems accurate.

In the Amma experience about a year ago, there was a part of the process where Amma and the nature spirits of this landscape and ecosystem were in the foreground. It was clear that all came out of the nothing and are part of the same seamless whole as everything.

Yesterday, I was moved to do something I don’t remember having done before. I connected with the nature spirits here on Milagros, in this landscape, in this bioregion, for Gaia, and through the universe. I asked them for healing for me and included my wife and Mila.

I was reminded of why I haven’t done this before: There is shame in me for how humans have treated the rest of nature, even if I know that this is all part of the larger process of this living planet and universe.

I also noticed an invitation to see myself – this human self – even more as nature, as something and someone who is the domain of the nature spirits and all life.

Today, I have felt very weird. Something is definitely going on in my system. (Although that, in itself, is not so unusual because of the CFS.) My wife is feeling weird too. It feels like a lot is moving. I had mentioned to her that I asked the nature spirits for healing last night, and she asked me if I had included her in the intention. I said yes, and she said she feels the nature spirits very strongly here and in her system.

Being moved to ask the nature spirits for healing came from deep in me, and was also likely inspired by a conversation with a friend in Oregon last night which touched on our experiences with nature spirits, and a recent comment from the Vortex Healing EarthWorks teacher (AG) in an email to me. Don’t forget the nature spirits. (Slightly paraphrased.)

My nature noticing itself, and finding views that match

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In my teens and for a couple of decades, I was passionate about systems views, holarchies, integral models, Taoism, Buddhism, Christian mysticism, and so on.

Why? Because these views matched my experience. They fit what was revealed in the oneness shift when I was sixteen.

ONENESS SHIFT

The consciousness I am woke up to itself. It happened on a winter day when this human self was walking along the gravel road to our house, looking up at the starry sky and with a big wind going through it all.

To myself, I am consciousness, and the world as it appears to me happens within and as the consciousness I am. This consciousness, and the experience of the world, is what mystics across cultures and through time have described, often cloathed in the language of their culture, time, and tradition.

The consciousness I am is one, it’s a seamless whole. The experience of time and space happens within it, any ideas of boundaries happen within it. And so on.

WORLDVIEWS

So it makes sense that I explored worldviews and approaches that, as much as possible, match this oneness I find myself as.

First, it was systems views through Fritjof Capra’s The Turning Point, and I also loved Taoism. Later, I explored Buddhism since that’s what I could find, and I also explored the Christian mystics and mystics from anywhere and any time.

I find that my worldviews mirror me, and really ANY worldview is a mirror for me. I can find what it points to here. It seems that any story from within any worldview is something I can turn around to apply to myself and find examples of how it’s true.

In my case, the worldviews I resonate with clearly mirror me. They mirror the oneness I find myself as, although they are all quite imperfect as well. They are the beginnings of worldviews that far better can reflect oneness and the immense simplicity and complexity of oneness.

WE ARE INEVITABLY CONSCIOUSNESS

When the shift first happened, my human self interpreted it in terms of God. All of existence without exception was revealed as consciousness, Spirit, God, and so on. The nature of all is consciousness and God. God seems to want to explore itself in as many different ways as possible, and one of those ways is by temporarily and locally taking the form of this human self, and even – for a while – taking itself to fundamentally be this human self.

These days, I like to explore (what I think of as) the small view on awakening which essentially says the same but frames it slightly differently.

Here are some points:

(I) No matter what, to ourselves we inevitably are consciousness. No matter what we fundamentally are from some outside third-person worldview, we have to be consciousness to ourselves. Consciousness is not some kind of appendix or add-on in our own first-person experience.

(II) We can find ourselves as consciousness. We can most easily find it through pointers and guided looking, for instance through the Big Mind process or the Headless experiments.

(III) The world, as it appears to us, happens within and as the consciousness we are. That too is inevitable. The world, to us, is consciousness, whether we notice or not.

(IV) I can’t say anything for certain about the nature of all of existence. I can say something about my own nature, as it appears to me, but I don’t know if the nature of all of existence is the same as my nature. It has to appear that way since it, to me, happens within and as the consciousness I am. but I don’t know for certain. This opens for compatibility with a range of worldviews from materialism to seeing the whole of existence as consciousness, Spirit, and God.

(V) The big view of awakening is certainly also possible. The nature of all of existence may well be the same as my nature, it may all be consciousness taking what we experience as material forms.

(VI) The small and big views on awakening are complementary. They are compatible, fill each other in, and I like to find fluidity between the views. The small is honest, sober, and compatible with a range of worldviews including materialism. The big is inspiring, fits the language of spirituality and mystics, and is – if I am honest – more likely to be accurate in the big picture.

He is living his own life

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This human self is happening on its own, just like everything else. He is living his own life.

And when attention goes there, he is a little bit freaked out by it!

A COUPLE OF SHIFTS

There were two major shifts in my teens.

One happened when I was fifteen (January 1st in front of my parents’ house) and the world, including this human self, seemed very far away. It seemed like this human self was living his own life along with everything else, although there was still a sense of being an observer, something observing it all.

The other happened almost exactly a year later, when I was sixteen (between Christmas and New Year, on the gravel road to my parents’ house). Here, everything without exception was revealed as God. It was all Spirit and consciousness. This human self, everything associate with him, and the whole of existence, was revealed as God.

Any sense of being a part of it, and not the whole, came from God exploring itself in that way, fleetingly and locally. All of existence is God expressing, exploring, and experiencing itself in always new ways.

This turned everything inside out and upside down and it profoundly changed everything related to this life. For years, there were enormous energies going through my system, an endless stream of insights and noticings, endless inspiration for music, drawings, and paintings. Endless amazing synchronicities. And so on.

At the human level, there was also a good amount of turmoil in response to all of this, from a lot of accumulated trauma through childhood, and from not finding anyone or any book that seemed to clearly describe what seemed so obvious: That all of existence is consciousness continuously forming and reforming itself into everything.

After some years, I did find some hints of this in the writings of Christian mystics, and I also could see it – usually behind a lot of terminology and ideology – in some Buddhist texts. I also saw that systems views and Taoism were aligned with it, although they usually didn’t point to it directly.

HE IS LIVING HIS OWN LIFE

This is just to point to one aspect of what was hinted at in the first shift, and revealed very clearly in the oneness shift: This human self is living his own life.

This human self is happening on his own, just like everything is happening on its own.

There is usually a part of consciusness that keeps track of which human self I am in a conventional sense, but even that has occasionally gone. (The one I am in a conventional sense is the one I have inside information about.)

RELEASE OF IDENTIFICATION

At first, it was just an unavoidable noticing. When I tried to explore it in thought, it seems that it’s what happens when identification goes out of this human self or ideas of being a doer or observer. When there is not identification there anymore, he is just happening, he is living his own life, just like anything else.

THIS HUMAN SELF IS STILL SOMETIMES WEIRDED OUT BY IT

Most of the time, this noticing is happening in the background and attention is on other things – either aspects of what I am (aspects of consciousness) or practical things in the life of this human self (consciousness taking those forms). Sometimes, attention is also on distress and hangups. (One of the forms of consciousness.)

When attention goes to this human self living his own life, this human self sometimes responds by freaking out a bit. Still, after fourty years of living with this, it weirds out this human self when attention goes there.

It’s not a big reaction. It’s just a hint of it, but it’s there.

It’s natural and understandable, and charming and cute in a way too. (As this human self sees it.)

A PART STILL ASSUMES THAT IDENTIFICATION IS NEEDED

It’s understanable since our psyche is trained to think that identification is required for this human self to function properly in the world. There has to be identification with this human self, or at least an image of a doer or observer, for this human self to be able to take care of himself.

We assume that because that assumption is part of our culture, even if most may not be aware of it and it’s usually not talked about.

It’s something we viscerally learn growing up.

So even if there is a general and conscious noticing of this human self living his own life, and a noticing that he can still function normally without being identified with, a part of his psyche is still weired out by it.

And, as I mentioned above, that’s understandable and has some charm.

Spiritual practices 24/7 including in dreams

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As I wake up at 3 a.m., I notice I am doing puja, and I have a sense I have been doing puja for a long while through sleep and dreams. (This kind of puja is from Vortex Healing. It’s aimed at straightening out life situations and done through intention.)

The other night, in another dream, the turnaround to a stressful thought was with me as I woke up. (“It’s safer to speak up” which is a turnaround for “It’s safer to be quiet”.) This is a part of The Work of Byron Katie which I did daily for many years, and which now lives in me.

This is not so new or unusual. When I got into spiritual practices in my teens, I noticed that they tended to become continuous through the day and night and even through sleep and dreams.

That’s how it is with anything we do for a while, it becomes a new habit and orientation. Whatever our attention is on for a while stays with us and follows us through sleep and dreams. It lives its own life in us.

I especially remember this when I got into the Jesus / Heart Prayer. It’s a simple phrase said with the breath and heartbeat. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me. The first part is on the in-breath, the second on the out-breath. When I do it with my heartbeats, the comma is on one beat, “on me” is on one beat, and the dot at the end is on another beat so there are eight beats altogether. (I don’t know if this is the “official” way to do it, to be honest.)

What I noticed is that over time, this prayer lived its own life in me, including through the night and in my dreams and when I woke up.

It’s similar to just about any other exploration.

Basic meditation is to notice and allow whatever is here in the field of experience, and then notice it’s already and inherently noticed and allowed and rest in and as that noticing. Doing this for a while makes it much easier to notice the same in daily life, it becomes part of daily life.

The headless experiments help us notice our nature, that we are capacity for the world as Douglas Harding put it. This too is part of my daily life now. I find myself as that which allows and forms itself into any and all content of experience.

When I did koan practice, the koans stayed with me in a similar way. My being explored and processed them outside of the Zendo.

As I mentioned above, this is not special to spiritual explorations or practices. It’s what seems to happen with anything we put attention on for a while.

When it comes to spiritual explorations, it is quite beautiful when it starts living in us.

It makes it easier to dip into it more intentionally during waking time.

Even here, it does require some intention to keep it going, it requires engaging in it consciously and intentionally now and then during waking time.

When it lives its own life in this way, I also find that it’s easier to dip into it again later if I have been away from it for a while. It’s easier to pick it up again.

Ibn Arabi: None loves God but God

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None loves God but God, and there is no lover and no beloved but God. Lovers grasp this when they reach the point of seeing God in everything that exists.

– Ibn Arabi

This is what was revealed in the oneness shift when this human self was an angsty atheist sixteen-year-old. All is God, without exception. It’s all God expressing, exploring, and experiencing itself in myriad ways. It’s God that takes the form of the universe, the stars, the trees, the wind, this human self, and any temporary sense of being anything else than the whole of it.

If there is a lover or beloved here – one that loves God and God loves – it’s God taking that local and temporary form. It all happens within and as God.

At the time, I said that existence as a whole is God and consciousness. Existence forms itself into all there is to express, explore, and experience itself in always new ways. Since I didn’t have anyone interested in this, I wrote it in my journals in different ways, always aware that words cannot come even close to touching it.

HOW I TALK ABOUT IT TODAY

These days, almost four decades later, I don’t mind saying it in the same way, although I notice I am more drawn to another way to say it. It’s not a better way, although it’s slightly more differentiated.

To myself, I am fundamentally consciousness. I am made up of consciousness, and the consciousness I am takes the form of this whole field of experience.

It’s not wrong that I am this human self in the world. It’s how others see it, it’s what my passport says, and so on. But more fundamentally, I find I am what the world – as it appears to me – happens within and as. I am what a thought may call consciousness, and the consciousness I am takes the form of the world as it appears to me.

Even more fundamentally, I find I am capacity for all of it – for consciousness and all it forms itself into.

Any sense of lover and beloved happens within and as the consciousness I am. Any sense of God, the universe, the world, others, trees, stars, this human self, and so on, happens within and as the consciousness I am.

I still don’t really talk about this with others, apart from briefly if I happen to be with someone who notices it for themselves. Just like when I was sixteen, I mostly put it to – in this case metaphorical – paper here in my journal.

Feeling a million things at once

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Last night, before falling asleep, I mentioned to my wife that I am feeling a million things at once, and she said she experiences the same. It’s like a field whispering in the distance.

It seems only natural.

We are as rich as the world. Everything – every characteristic and dynamic – I see in the world is also in me. It’s always here.

Mostly, it’s like a whisper in the distance. Sometimes, dynamics in the situation – in me and the wider world – bring some into the foreground. For instance, Whatever I actively look for comes to the foreground.

I notice a curiosity about all of this, and that it seems beautiful, which is part of the whisper too.

I don’t know how others experience this. I haven’t done a survey. I suspect it may have to do with the awakening process. As our systems are more awake and open, we may notice this more easily.

I remember this from the first oneness shift – which is still here. There is a myriad of faint feelings in the distance. Right now, I notice – when attention goes there and highlights something – sadness, joy, contraction, dullness, space, receptivity, gratitude, awe, to hell with it all, and so on.

I also notice that it all, including contractions, happens within and as awake space. The consciousness I am forms itself into all of it.

After writing this, I notice that this is connected with a general bitter-sweet experience of life and existence. There is awe, gratitude, joy, a gentle bliss, and so on mixed with grief, sadness, and more.

If I were to differentiate, I would say that the awe and gratitude is here for this amazing existence and all it forms itself into. There is a gentle bliss inherent in all experience, it seems, like a thread through experience. And it’s mixed in with grief, sadness, and heartbreak over the fleeting nature of existence and the suffering of beings, including myself.

The oneness I am to myself colors how I perceive the world

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In my teens and early twenty, I was deeply into ideas of the evolution of the universe, how we are a temporary and local expression of the seamless whole of existence, how we can consciously participate in the creativity and evolution of the universe, and so on.

This all came from the oneness shift that happened when I was sixteen, combined with my interest in science, evolution, systems views, integral models, the Universe Story, and so on.

In my thirties, my focused shifted away from this. I focused more exclusively on my own first-person experience and left the storytelling aside for a while.

Ideas about the nature of existence, the evolution of the universe and this planet, systems views, integral models, and so on is all storytelling. We need stories to function in the world, and these are helpful and inspiring stories, but it was time for me to set it aside.

These days, perhaps inspired by the food forest, I seem to be getting back into it, and this time, it seems more important to differentiate perception and stories.

MY OWN FIRST-PERSON EXPERIENCE

In my own first-person experience, I am what the world – to me – appears within and as. I am consciousness and the consciousness I am forms itself into any and all content of experience. That means that all I have ever known is my own nature. All I have ever known is consciousness.

Even more fundamentally, I seem to be capacity for it all. I am capacity for consciousness and all it forms itself into.

WHAT I CAN KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT

I can know something about my own nature. It has all the characteristics of consciousness. It’s one. It’s seamless. It’s ephemeral. Whatever experience it forms itself into seems like a dream since it’s made up of the consciousness I am.

There is even a kind of love here. It’s a love independent of changing emotions and states. It’s the love of the left hand removing a splinter from the right. It’s a love that can be temporarily covered up by confused dynamics from wounds, hangups, and traumas.

WHAT I CANNOT KNOW FOR CERTAIN

That’s something I notice in immediacy, and I can imperfectly reflect it in words. (Words always imperfectly reflect whatever we try to put words on.)

I can not know anything for certain about the world or existence itself.

To me, since I am consciousness that forms itself into any and all experiences, the world will inevitably appear as consciousness. That’s how it has to appear, it’s inevitable.

That doesn’t mean that the nature of existence itself is the same as mine, that it is consciousness.

IDEAS ABOUT THE EVOLUTION OF EXISTENCE

In the initial oneness shift, all was revealed as consciousness. All of existence is consciousness AKA God, Spirit, the divine, Brahman, and so on.

Combine this with my existing interest in science and evolution, and it’s easy to imagine that the universe is the body of God, that it is consciousness taking material form, and that it evolves.

We humans are temporary and local expressions of the evolution of the seamless whole of existence and this universe. We participate in this evolution whether we notice or not.

We have the potential to consciously participate in this creativity and evolution. That’s an exciting idea, and it’s exciting and inspiring to me even now.

It’s an idea that fits science and it makes sense. It fits our times and culture, especially if we have a mystical bent.

BEING HONEST ABOUT IT

And yet, I don’t know.

What I know is what I notice about my own nature – that I am awake space that forms itself into the world as it appears to me, including this human self and anything related to him.

I also know that the world inevitably will appear as consciousness to me, since the consciousness I am to myself forms itself into my experiences of the world.

I know it makes sense to me to call the whole of existence God, whatever its nature may be.

I also know that any stories about the nature of existence, evolution, and so on, are ideas.

They are guesses about the world.

It’s worth holding it all lightly.

BRINGING IT ALL TOGETHER

For me, it means a few different things…

I’ll keep exploring my own nature since that’s something I notice in immediacy, outside of and before it’s reflected in thought. That’s what I can say something about.

I’ll keep noticing that my world appears as consciousness since it – to me – happens within and as the consciousness I am.

I may keep exploring ideas about the existence as a whole, the universe, evolution, humans having the potential to consciously participate in the evolution of the universe and existence, and so on. It’s fun, interesting, fascinating, inspiring, and possibly helpful for humanity.

I’ll also hold those ideas lightly. I know they are guesses. I know I cannot know any of it for certain.

A FEW MORE WORDS

I realize I should clarify something…

FINDING IDEAS THAT MATCH IMMEDIATE NOTICING

In my teens and twenties, I got into systems views, integral models, the Universe Story, the Gaia theory, Buddhism, Taoism, quantum physics, and more because it fit my immediate experience. It fit with the oneness I found myself and the world as in my own immediate noticing.

These were the ideas out there that best fit my immediate noticing, so I was naturally drawn to them. If there were other ideas out there that fit as well or better, I would likely be into them as well.

The fit is admittedly clunky. These ideas are ideas and different in nature to what they point to. They reflect a very young humanity trying to make sense of things.

They are the first baby steps in trying to make sense of the world in a way that matches an immediate oneness experience (or, in some cases, an intuition).

In many cases, they come from and reflect a mind that may not consciously recognize itself as consciousness so there is some lack of alignment from that too.

THE WORLD IS MY MIRROR

I should also mention that the world is my mirror.

Whatever ideas I have about the world reflect something that’s here now.

Whatever maps and worldviews I use reflect me here and now.

If I see the universe as a seamless system, it’s because my experience here and now is seamless. It’s a seamless whole.

If I have ideas about evolution, it’s because I can find evolution here. I can find how this consciousness I am evolves in terms of its content and how it reflects and relates to it all.

If I perceive existence as consciousness, it’s because I am consciousness. All I know and all I have ever known is consciousness.

Is awakening binary or gradual? Seeing energies & why I tend to focus on the degree

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Is awakening binary or a degree?

In my experience, both are true in their own way.

It can come gradually or suddenly, and the deepening into it is gradual.

WHAT IS AWAKENING?

What is awakening?

In short, it’s what I am noticing itself.

To myself, I am consciousness, and it’s the consciousness I am noticing itself.

I find this in immediate noticing. I am fundamentally this awake space within which all experiences appear, including what a thought calls this human self, the wider world, and so on.

Intellectually, I find the same. To myself, in immediate experience, I cannot be a human being with consciousness as a kind of appendage. To myself, I have to be this consciousness within which this human being and the wider world appears, and also any sense of an observer or doer or anything any thought can point to.

WHO AND WHAT I AM

It’s not wrong that I am this human self in the world. It’s an assumption that works reasonably well. As who I am, I am this human self in the world with a name, biography, passport, and so on.

If I viscerally take myself to fundamentally be this object in the world, it inevitably comes with some inherent discomfort, distress, and a sense that something is off somewhere.

In my own first-person experience, I find I more fundamentally am something else. I find I am what the world, as it appears to me, happens within and as. I am the consciousness that forms itself into any and all experiences.

This profoundly changes the context of my everything. I am no longer fundamentally an object at the mercy of an unpredictable world. I am what it all, to me, happens within and as. There is a (groundless) ground for it all.

THE PROCESS

That noticing is, in a sense, binary. The consciousness we are either notices itself as the appearance of the whole world or not.

Awakening is also a process.

It’s a process of…

The consciousness I am noticing itself here and now, and noticing itself in daily life and through different states and the always-changing content of experience. This is a new habit.

Exploring how it is for this human self to live within and from this new context. How it is to live from and as this in different situations and areas of life.

Inviting our human self to heal and reorganize within this new context.

Exploring the different facets and aspects of my nature – what a thought may call capacity for the world, consciousness, oneness, love, and so on. From my own experience, I can also include the fertile darkness, divine feminine, Christ energies, and more. There seems to be no end of these facets of what I am that can come to the foreground of experience and be noticed and explored.

MY EXPERIENCE WITH SEEING ENERGIES

There is another reason why I tend to focus on the degree aspect of awakening, and that has to do with my own experiences starting in my teens.

In the summer of 1986, when I was sixteen, I was sitting outside in the garden under beautiful birch trees reading a book. This was the year when the world – including everything connected with this human self – seemed very far away. (I have written about this before. I thought something was profoundly wrong, medical experts couldn’t find anything, and I later understood this was an apparent observer-observer split.)

I remember seeing the leaves against the blue sky, and seeing light around the leaves. I initially dismissed it as some kind of optical illusion. In the following days, this light became stronger and stronger, and in a few days, I saw the light around everything and everyone.

I saw it around inanimate objects, plants, non-human beings, and humans, although the structure was (is) different around each type of object. It’s simple around inanimate objects. Brighter and more alive around plants. More complex and goes further out in non-human beings. And even more complex and goes even further out around humans. (In reality, it seems to go infinitely far out around everything and everything, but the more obvious part of this is closer to the object or body.)

For whatever reason, what I see most clearly is the degree of awakening in someone’s system.

How awake is the consciousness to itself? How far out from the body does this awakeness go? How subtle/high frequency (for lack of a better word!) is it?

I was alone with this, and the awakening process in general, until a few years later.

When I was 19 and in my weekly tai chi class, a young woman talked with me during the tea break after class. We walked to the train station together, and she said she had taken contact with me because she had seen my energy field in class while standing behind me. She could see the awakening process I was in and that I too can see energies.

We became close friends. Once, I remember sitting at a train station with her looking at the energy system of different people and comparing notes. We always saw the same, although certain things were more highlighted for each of us.

A couple of years later, something similar happened with the then-wife of Jes Bertelsen.

WHAT DO I SEE?

What are some of the things I see in the energy field?

Different practices have different effects on the energy/consciousness field. People do body-centered practices like tai chi, qigong, yoga, Breema, and to some extent dance, the energy field close to the body is brighter than average. People who do basic meditation (notice and allow) often have a field that’s conscious of itself relatively far out. (Although it depends on how clear their practice it and often for how long they have done it.) Some practices bring in a lot of light into the system, especially devotional and heart-centered practices. Some practices create a very soft and almost watery energy/consciousness field. (Some of the higher levels of the Vortex Healing training do this.)

Some have a relatively awake field although they have no interest or experience with (organized) spiritual practice, and they don’t seem to have a conscious noticing of their nature, at least not something they would put into words (or be interested in putting into words). The awakeness just there and lived. That’s very beautiful to me.

Immediately after a noticeable awakening shift, there is often a lot of light and energy in the system. This fades and softens over time and it seems to be a kind of side-effect of the awakening shift. This can last for months or even years. (For me, it lasted many years and faded slowly.)

When there is a reasonable amount of awakening in the system, the field (consciousness) is awake to itself infinitely far out.

The most awake systems I have seen – Adyashanti, some Tibetan teachers, and a few others – have a field that is far more subtle and high frequency. It’s almost like water. It seems to live very close to void or emptiness.

No matter how messed up a system is at a human level – no matter how much trauma, reactivity, pain, and so on – there is always light. The energy field is made of light. They are essentially, at an energetic level, light. That’s beautiful to me.

And a couple of more specific instances…

When I was a member of the Center for Sacred Sciences in Eugene, Oregon, one of the veterans had some kind of awakening shift. He was presented as awake and a new teacher. In his field, I saw that the awakeness was wobbly and not as clear as it was presented. Within a few weeks, there was another announcement saying that the awakening wasn’t as stable as they had thought.

When I was nineteen and in my early twenties, I did a lot of Heart/Jesus Prayer (which continued 24/7) and also Christ meditation. I could feel a kind of heat on top of my head, and I was very surprised when I saw myself in the mirror and noticed a kind of flame on top of my head. It was very similar to some of the depictions of the Holy Spirit descending on the disciples. I suspect this happens to anyone doing these practices with some dedication, receptivity, and over some time.

Note: Lightly edited for clarity August 2026.

My most listened to songs in 2024

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I think of this blog mostly as a journal for myself. A way to explore and process and possibly share if someone happens on it and finds something interesting, entertaining, or useful.

That’s why I thought I would share some of my most-played songs on Spotify from 2024. It’s an opportunity for reflection. It’s been a challenging and somewhat overwhelming time, which is reflected in this music. Most of this music is spirited and/or chill and/or atmospheric. Since I tend to listen to full albums, most artists have several songs on the playlist.

I made a curated version with a few favorites added in and minus some that didn’t fit the general feel of the playlist. The original is here.

What I listen to changes from year to year. Sometimes, it’s music from around the world. Sometimes, it’s “modern classical” music like Arvo Pärt, Philip Glass, John Adams, and others. Or ordinary classical music, usually early music and baroque, and especially anything performed by Jordi Savall.

  1. Khwaab – Niraj Chag, Swati Natekar
  2. New Dawn – Anoushka Shankar
  3. Kamakumba – Mop Mop
  4. From Gagarin’s Point of View – Esbjörn Svensson Trio
  5. Adhara – Mop Mop
  6. Tive Razão – Seu Jorge
  7. Mu eadni – Mari Boine
  8. Easy to Love – Mari Boine, Hver gang vi møtes
  9. Solidarité – Matthieu Chedid, Toumani Diabaté, Sidiki Diabaté, Fatoumata Diawara
  10. Gambia – Sona Jobarteh
  11. Kind Of Latin Rhythm – The Juju Orchestra
  12. Manitoumani – Matthieu Chedid, Toumani Diabaté, Sidiki Diabaté, Fatoumata Diawara
  13. Bal de Bamako – Matthieu Chedid, Toumani Diabaté, Sidiki Diabaté, Fatoumata Diawara
  14. Mama África – Chico César
  15. Mango – Club des Belugas Bossa Remix – Bahama Soul Club, Arema Arega, Club des Belugas
  16. The Beat Is Rhythm – Instrumental – Club des Belugas
  17. Run Around – Renegades Of Jazz Remix – Mop Mop, Anthony Joseph, Fred Wesley, Renegades Of Jazz
  18. Kanya – Niraj Chag, Gauri Tripathi
  19. Totem – Mop Mop, Anthony Joseph
  20. Manitoumani – Lamomali, -M-, Toumani Diabaté, Sidiki Diabaté, Fatoumata Diawara
  21. Moods – Jojo Effect
  22. Mondo Mas – Club des Belugas
  23. Cabriolet Tour – Club des Belugas
  24. A Quiet Moment – Club des Belugas, Lene Riebau
  25. Skies – Club des Belugas, Karlos Boes
  26. I Warned You Baby – The Bahama Soul Club, Spanky Wilson
  27. Charade – Nicola Conte
  28. Chega de Saudade – Club des Belugas, Maya Fadeeva
  29. Like A Gypsy – Kojato
  30. Yachts – A Man Called Adam mix – Coco Steel Lovebomb
  31. Ain’t Nobody’s Biz-Ness If I Do – The Bahama Soul Club
  32. Kothbiro – Ayub Ogada
  33. Zara Zara – Bombay Jayashri
  34. Nagumomo – Susheela Raman
  35. Muévelo Papi – The Bahama Soul Club, Olvido Ruiz
  36. Feel Sexy – Kojato, Tina Lux
  37. Indian Summer – Chicha Libre
  38. In The Night – Childish Gambino, Jorja Smith, Amaarae
  39. Hustle Bump – Radio Mix – Club des Belugas
  40. Rose rouge – St Germain
  41. Three Times Bossa – Mop Mop
  42. Chiqui Tiqui – Club des Belugas
  43. Spaceship: Earth – Mop Mop, Anthony Joseph
  44. Plain Gold Ring (Mop Mop Rework) – Mop Mop
  45. Evanescent – Axiom Of Choice
  46. What the Butler Heard – Club des Belugas
  47. Supreme – Mop Mop, WAYNE SNOW
  48. Loa Chant feat. Sara Sayed – Mop Mop, Sara Sayed
  49. Nritya – Niraj Chag, Gauri Sharma Tripathi, Tarini Tripathi
  50. Feeling Good – The Mighty Bop
  51. Saya – Sona Jobarteh
  52. Bang Up To The Elephant – CINTA
  53. Parvaz (Flight) – Axiom Of Choice
  54. Locomotive – Mop Mop
  55. Broken Bridge – Armenian Navy Band, Arto Tunçboyac?yan
  56. Ash – Mop Mop
  57. A Walk By The Lake – Axiom Of Choice
  58. Let I Go feat. Anthony Joseph – Mop Mop, Anthony Joseph
  59. Color Of Dreams – Axiom Of Choice
  60. Dreamers In The Field – Huun-Huur-Tu, Carmen Rizzo, Dhani Harrison
  61. Brass Des Belugas – Jojo Effect, K. Boes, P. Schug, L. Kuklinski
  62. Mystics And Fools – Axiom Of Choice
  63. Let I Go – Mop Mop Soundsystem Remix – Mop Mop, Anthony Joseph
  64. Where We Used to Live – Esbjörn Svensson Trio
  65. Everywhere You Go Now, Kuti – Kojato
  66. Boidus – Huun-Huur-Tu, Carmen Rizzo, Dhani Harrison
  67. Jazzdancer – Mop Mop
  68. Remembering Ulatay River – Huun-Huur-Tu, Carmen Rizzo, Dhani Harrison
  69. Summertime Magic – Childish Gambino
  70. No Words – Suonho Radio Edit – The Bahama Soul Club
  71. Mr. Know It All – Mop Mop
  72. Koop Island Blues – Koop, Ane Brun
  73. One – Sheila Chandra
  74. Habanera 80 – Mop Mop
  75. No Excuses (feat. Ludwig Göransson & Kamasi Washington) – Childish Gambino, Ludwig Göransson, Kamasi Washington
  76. Here Comes the Rain Again – Remastered Version – Eurythmics, Annie Lennox, Dave Stewart
  77. Wordplay – CINTA
  78. Song Of The Caravan Riders – Huun-Huur-Tu, Carmen Rizzo, Dhani Harrison
  79. Naked – Anoushka Shankar
  80. No Inspiration – Club des Belugas Remix – Maya Fadeeva, Club des Belugas
  81. Blue Soul – Mop Mop
  82. Feels Like Summer – Childish Gambino
  83. Afro Jojo Part One – Mop MopValeh – Axiom Of Choice, Ramin Torkian, Mamak Khadem, Pejman Hadadi, Shahram Hashemi
  84. Kaigal-ool prayer – Huun-Huur-Tu, Carmen Rizzo, Dhani Harrison
  85. Heritage – SoulParlor Remix – Mop Mop, Anthony Joseph, Soulparlor
  86. Prelude – Axiom Of Choice
  87. Heritage feat. Anthony Joseph – Mop Mop, Anthony Joseph
  88. Good to Go – Club des Belugas, Iain Mackenzie
  89. The Lowered Flag – Mop Mop
  90. Interl’Oud – Dhafer Youssef
  91. Zabou – Amine Bouhafa
  92. Living Beat – Mop Mop
  93. Pulse – Axiom Of Choice, Ramin Torkian, Pejman Hadadi
  94. Ain’t It Just – CINTA
  95. Mirando al Mar – Club Des Belugas Remix – Bahama Soul Club, Club des Belugas
  96. Réquiem – Vicente Amigo, Niña Pastori, Arcángel, Miguel Poveda, Rafael de Utrera, Pedro el Granaíno
  97. Sowa – Fatoumata Diawara
  98. LETONDO – Pamela Badjogo
  99. Palea – Dobet Gnahoré
  100. Guovssahasaid ájagáttis – Mari Boine
  101. Boadan nuppi bealde – Mari Boine
  102. Comme s’il en pleuvait – Mayra Andrade
  103. Bissa – Fatoumata Diawara
  104. Silence – CINTAA’rabti – Cheb Mami
  105. Afro Shigida – The Bahama Soul Club, Kojato
  106. Bossa Corcovado – The Bahama Soul Club, A. Secret
  107. Mercy Me – The Bahama Soul Club, Josephine Nightingale
  108. Mango (Club Des Belugas Bossa Remix) – The Bahama Soul Club, Arema Arega, Club des Belugas
  109. Boadan Nuppi Bealde – Mari Boine
  110. Adiós Morena – Rio Mira
  111. Jarabi – Sona Jobarteh
  112. Sowa – Fatoumata Diawara
  113. Santiago – Newen Afrobeat
  114. Bolero a Marcos (Canción de Amor) – Vicente Amigo
  115. O Pato – Gilberto Gil
  116. Gwyra Mi – Ramiro Musotto
  117. Alone Again – Tok Tok Tok
  118. Bongo Bong – Manu Chao
  119. Mindjer dôce mel – Eneida Marta
  120. Samba De Uma Nota So (One Note Samba) – Antônio Carlos Jobim
  121. La Seine – Vanessa Paradis, -M-
  122. Moaners – The Bahama Soul Club, Bessie Smith
  123. O Morro Nao Tem Vez – Antônio Carlos Jobim
  124. Águas De Marco – Elis Regina
  125. Redbone – Childish Gambino
  126. Nyandolo – Ayub Ogada
  127. Desafinado – João Gilberto
  128. El Cuarto De Tula – Buena Vista Social Club
  129. Didn’t Cha Know – Erykah Badu
  130. Dis-lui oui – Bénabar
  131. La vie en rose – Zaz
  132. Sous le ciel de Paris (feat. Pablo Alborán) – Zaz, Pablo Alborán
  133. Je veux – Zaz
  134. Siempre me quedará – Bebe
  135. Capoeira Vai – Sabrina Malheiros
  136. Bobeira – Sabrina Malheiros
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“After the chronic illness, he became philosophical”

moe Leave a comment

After the chronic illness, he became philosophical.

Someone in my family mentioned this, referring to me.

It’s true and not so true in a few different ways.

INVITATION TO REFLECTION

It’s true in that I have reflected in order to find peace with my situation.

My trauma and chronic illness has invited me to take a second look – and third and fourth and fifth – at my life, life in general, and relationships. It has invited me to (aim to) leave no stone unturned.

What stressful thoughts do I, or parts of me, hold as true? What do I find when I examine each of these? How does it color my perception and life? What’s the validity in the reversals? What’s genuinely more true for me?

I am motivated to examine any thought I hold as true since I know, viscerally and from experience and noticing, that holding any thought as true is stressful, and what’s genuinely more true for me is peaceful.

In that sense, the illness has made me more philosophical.

Inquiry is a kind of philosophy that helps me recognize – viscerally – a thought as a question and that it doesn’t hold any final, full, or absolute truth.

COPING STRATEGIES

It’s also true in that ideas are sometimes involved in how I cope with my life and situation. I have used ideas to help me cope with both trauma and chronic illness.

These are more or less healthy, although the less healthy ones are healthy too, in the sense that they are the best I can do in the situation and better than some of the alternatives.

I write here. Somehow, that feels right and it’s comforting to me. It helps me process and digest things in my life and the world. It invites me to examine beliefs and find what’s more true for me. Sometimes, writing is an escape and distraction, although it often leads into a more direct noticing and befriending.

I notice that sorting things out in thought can feel comforting to me, although it’s a hollow comfort. Noticing that is a reminded to… Rest in the consciousness I am noticing itself. See how it is to befriend my experience as it is. And identify and explore stressful thoughts and identifications, often held by part of me.

EARLIER PASSION FOR EXPLORATION

I have always had a curiosity about the world, and my passion for exploration and discovery started early in childhood, years before the chronic illness. Even as a child, I loved nature, science, adventure, explorations, the Universe Story as presented by Carl Sagan, and so on.

My curiosity, and my philosophical leanings if you want to call it that, started long before the illness.

NOTICING BEFORE MENTAL REPRESENTATIONS

With what’s most important to me, noticing comes before it’s reflected in thoughts.

Much of what I write about – and just about all that’s about exploring my nature – is first direct noticing which is then interpreted by and reflected in stories.

The noticing came first chronologically (the oneness shift happened years before I found books or heard about it from others), and it also usually comes first when I try to express it in words.

OTHER COPING STRATEGIES

There are several coping strategies that are not primarily about ideas. For me, these are more as or important than the ones mentioned above, and they are more essential.

The main one is the consciousness I am noticing itself. This is the coping strategy my system seems to have used when I was fifteen and sixteen. To deal with teenage angst and trauma, it seems that it shifted the center of gravity into Big Mind. Into oneness, into the consciousness I am noticing itself as (it’s experience of) the whole world.

When I was fifteen, it shifted into experiencing the world – all content of experience – as very far away. There was a simple and apparent observer-observed split. One year later, there was a shift into oneness and all recognized as consciousness. I am consciousness forming itself into the experience of everything, the whole universe as it appears to me.

This has stayed with me, and it’s still a coping mechanism. It’s easier to have this as a context for the experiences that are here.

Another is to meet and befriend what’s here in experience.

Notice and feel the sensations.

Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for your love for me. You can stay as long as you want.

Explore what it needs. Love? Acceptance? Safety? Belonging and home? Give it that.

Notice it’s nature. Notice it’s consciousness. It’s the consciousness I am forming itself into it.

Rest with each of these.

ALL TOGETHER

It’s all true in its own way, and always a small part of the bigger picture.

It’s also part of an ongoing noticing and exploration.

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When you have a disability that’s (a) invisible, (b) not yet well understood by science, and (c) happens mostly to women

moe Leave a comment

I have a disability that’s invisible (if you meet me casually), not yet well understood by science, and happens mostly to women.

That’s a difficult combination in today’s society.

INVISIBLE DISABILITIES

People – including some doctors – tend to take invisible disabilities less seriously than visible ones.

I was reminded of this when I saw Super/Man: The Christopher Reeve Story last night. It’s wonderful that doctors, family, friends, and society in general took his situation seriously and gave him the support he needed. (His challenge seemed to be that he lived in the US and had private insurance with a cap.)

It’s less wonderful when we don’t receive the same understanding and support because our disability happens not to be visible, at least not to the casual observer.

If you see me, you usually see me because I have a good day and you see me briefly. If it is a planned meeting, I have cleared my schedule for several days before and after the meeting because I need 100% rest to be able to do it. Also, my condition typically severely worsens after the meeting, often for days and sometimes even weeks. If you saw all of this and saw the struggle over time, you would at least see the consequences of living with this invisible disability.

DISABILITIES NOT WELL UNDERSTOOD BY SCIENCE

It’s similar with disabiliites not well understood by science.

They tend to be treated as a kind of pariah among diseases and disabilities.

Doctors would rather not deal with it since the diagnosis can be difficult and there is no treatment.

People in general may think it’s not a real disease, you are imagining it, you are lazy, and so on.

There is no lack of examples of diseases that were not understood and dismissed, and later better understood and taken seriously.

WOMEN’S DISABILITIES

Several of these invisible and less understood disabilities happen to be more common among women.

Or maybe that’s just a consequence of a patriarchical culture.

Diseases that impact men are taken seriously, studied, and better understood.

Diseases that mostly impact women are taken less seriously, are less studied, and less well understood.

A TRIPLE CHALLENGE

If we have an invisible disability that’s less well understood, we live with a triple challenge.

The disability itself can be immensely challenging. It has impacted my life profoundly at all levels and in all areas of life.

Having an invisible disability has led to people dismissing it, not understanding it, not understanding the severity of it, attributing the consequences of living with it to something else, and more.

The same goes for having a disability that’s not well understood by science. In addition to the above challenges, it also means that some doctors will dismiss it.

MY EXPERIENCE

I tend not to talk about my disability, and I am also unable to do much in the world. In a sense, that protects me against some of the challenging situations people in my situation can experience.

Of course, that in itself says something about my situation.

Not talking about it comes from the stigma and challenges of having an invisible disability not understood by science. If it was visible and well understood, the conversations would be easier and sometimes not even needed.

To some extent, it’s similar when I have to severely cut back on social interactions. If people understood my need for rest, it would be easier to try some social interactions. We could set it up so I have a place to rest, I would feel free to rest when I needed to, and they would understand and support it.

UNDERSTANDING AND SUPPORT

I have also experienced understanding and support. It was an enormous relief to come to the CFS center in Oslo with professionals familiar with the condition, and even more so to do a CFS retreat at a rehabilitation center in Norway with an understanding professional staff and a group of people in the same situation as me.

My wife’s family also shows understanding. For instance, last Christmas, I went to the family Christmas party and they had a bed ready for me so I could go and rest after the meal. They chatted, danced, and had fun, I had a much-needed rest, and we all got what we wanted.

A FEW CHALLENGING SITUATIONS

Here are a few examples of more challenging situations:

I had a severe worsening when I lived in Oregon, and I previously had a weekly meeting for a while with a friend. At some point, I put all my effort into one more meeting with her, but I had to cancel twice despite doing everything I could to stabilize and try to build up enough energy for that one meeting. It was my main priority. She got upset, said she was not important to me, and cut off all communication.

This dramatic worsening came after months of living with severe pneumonia. My doctor refused to treat it, saying it was “walking pneumonia”. I had been bedridden for weeks at that time and was very concerned about my health, especially considering I already had CFS. She seemed to not understand that I already had a weak and vulnerable system and needed treatment for the pneumonia.

After this severe worsening, I moved to Norway. My general practitioner doctor in Norway was updated on my situation but did nothing to help me with assistance from the government. It took months and years before he finally had a student observing in his office, and then he took me seriously and got things moving. He was willing to let it slide if it was just the two of us, and finally took it seriously when there was a witness.

More recently, I met with a doctor specializing in another field. When I mentioned I have CFS, he (literally) rolled his eyes, scoffed, and treated me with disdain for the rest of the appointment. His demeanor markedly changed. I didn’t go back to him.

Someone in my family has repeatedly said that I just need to pull myself together and get a job. If I do, I won’t have any problems with lack of money. If it was that easy, and if it was possible, I would never have been in this situation in the first person. I love to be engaged in the world and work. I am not living this life because I it’s my first choice.

Several years ago, I took a university degree that required meeting only once or sometimes twice a week. I was just about able to do it, also because the topic was already very familiar to me. At the end of the program, we had a course with daily meetings over two weeks. I knew I would not be able to do it, explained my situation to the teacher, and asked for permission to skip some of that course (and find a way to make up for it at home). I also explained that I was familiar with the topic from earlier and far more in-depth university courses on the same topic. He responded that if I missed even one day, he would make sure I wouldn’t get my degree. These two weeks led to a permanent and dramatic worsening of my condition which I still live with.

I realize that I play a role in some of this. I could have insisted more strongly with my doctor in Oregon, or found another doctor. I could have explained better to my friend, instead of just mentioning that I have CFS and think that’s enough. I could have given my teacher at the university the doctor’s notice before or instead of talking with him.

Not having had the backing I needed, for good portions of this, and the disability itself – feeling drained of energy combined with strong brain fog and confusion – sometimes makes it difficult to insist and make good decisions. This impacts everything in my life. And it’s also good to see my role in these situations and take responsibility for my part. That helps me do it differently now and in the future.

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A strange life and the richness of who and what we are

moe Leave a comment

Throughout my life, I have had people who know me in one context express surprise, or even shock, when they hear about my other interests and lives.

In our Western culture, it seems there is the idea that we are supposed to have just a few expected identities and roles and be happy with that. We are supposed to have a job, which people think tells them a lot about us. (It doesn’t.) We are supposed to have some personal roles and relationships. (Son, daughter, husband, wife, father, mother, friend, and so on.) We are supposed to have one or two hobbies. We are supposed to have some exclusive political orientation and affiliation.

I don’t fit those ideas, and I doubt many do. We are far more rich than that. We are, all of us, literally as rich and diverse as the world. The world is our mirror. What we see in the world is also here in us.

If we try to fit into this narrow idea of how we should be, we have to pretend to be far smaller than we are. We have to shoehorn ourselves into a very small and confining box.

I have many passions and interests in life and have lived some portion of it at different times in life. I did Breema bodywork close to full-time for a while. I was an art student and artist full-time for a while. I was a university student more than full-time for several years. I worked with sustainability and community organizing for some years. I worked part-time at a CSA farm in Wisconsin. I have written articles read by a few millions of people. I was deeply into tai chi and qigong in my late teens and early twenties. I lived at a Zen center for some years and was deeply into that path and practice. I have done programming, computer support, and web design professionally. (I taught myself machine code and several programming languages in my early teens.) I was a trauma and inquiry therapist at a center in California. I was sick in bed with CFS for years. I have a graduate degree in psychology. I was a graduate-level architecture student in one of the best programs in the US. I am trained in a variety of therapeutic modalities. I have been a son, lover, husband, step-father, worker, and employer. Currently, I have a food forest, reforestation, and regeneration project in the Andes.

This has all flowed naturally from my interests and passions, and it’s only a small fraction of what I have explored and lived, and an even smaller fraction of what I would like to explore and live. I have been very privileged to be able to explore all of this.

There is also a small although important reason I have been able to do all of this, and that is that identities, roles, and expectations of following a set path were not as important to me as following my passions. I did sometimes experience and feel some of those expectations, but something else was more important.

I also know I could and likely would have done far more if I hadn’t been caught in some of my hangups, traumas, and stressful beliefs.

SOME WAYS TO EXPLORE

How can we explore our own richness? How can we find the world in ourselves?

How can we free ourselves from restricting and stressful thoughts?

For me, the answer is some of the approaches I have mentioned in other articles:

I can take any story I have about someone or something, turn it to myself, and find specific and genuine examples of how it’s true. When I see something in someone else, I can find it here. Often, I can find it here and now, in a recent situation, and at the very least in some more distant situation. (The Work of Byron Katie.)

I can explore subpersonalities. Any label comes with a perspective and a subpersonality. I can shift into that view, find myself as it, and perceive and talk from and as that perspective. This world of subpersonalities is as rich as the world, and I can get to know and find myself as each of them. (The Big Mind process, Voice Dialog.)

I do tonglen with others, myself, and the world. I visualize the being in front of me, see their suffering as dark smoke, breathe it in on inhalation, breathe out light, and breathe it into the being so they are filled with light. This viscerally helps break down any sense of I and them and it gives a sense of being in the same boat.

I follow what seems authentic for me. What makes me come alive. What my inner guidance shows me. (Unless I don’t because of unhealed wounds, unexamined stories, and unwelcome and unloved parts of me.)

A repeating ghost experience: sounds at night

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I thought I would share an apparent ghost experience since it happened again last night.

It’s the sound of someone hitting a rock with a sledgehammer, and it happens in the middle of the night and at a regular slow interval. (The one last night was more the sound of the ground being hit by a pickaxe.) It seems to come from about 50 meters away. It’s a clear and loud sound, and we both – my wife and I – hear it. When I decide to get up to see what it is, it stops. It often returns when I go back to bed and turn off the lights. It repeats over several nights. And we can’t find any normal explanation for it since there is nobody there to make the sound.

This has happened over several years now and at three different locations.

NORWAY 2020

In December 2020, my future wife (AL) and I were staying in the guest house at my parents’ property outside of Oslo, Norway. It’s a small log cabin and we can easily hear sounds from the outside.

The neighbors to the east, close to the guest house, had been an older couple who died some years earlier, their son had taken over the house, and he had died recently. The house had been demolished one or two weeks earlier and they were working on the foundations of a new house.

At night, around 2:30-3:00, we would wake up to the sound of a hammer or sledgehammer hitting a rock. The sound came at a regular interval of a few seconds apart. It seemed to come from about 50 meters away, from the neighbor’s property and was very clear. As soon as I decided to get up to see what it was, it would immediately stop. This happened over several nights.

We channeled, using tools from Vortex Healing, and after a good amount of work, it was again quiet at night.

BARICHARA 2021

In December of 2021, we rented a house on the northeastern outskirts of the town of Barichara. Here too, we would wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of a sledgehammer hitting a rock, about 50 meters away from what seemed to be inside the forest. Here too, it repeated over several nights, and it would stop as soon as I decided to get up to see what it was. We did get a sound recording of it, for what that’s worth.

MILAGROS 2024

We are now staying in my wife’s father’s bedroom on Milagros, outside of Barichara. It’s a large property and the neighbors are several hundred meters away. Last night, we heard the sound again. This time, it sounded more like a pickaxe hitting the ground, at the same slow interval as the other times. We got up to check (and close the window), and it stopped. We went back to bed, and it resumed. The sound came from a few tens of meters away, as before, from a wilderness area with no people.

Writing this, I realize that this has happened at this time of year each time.

AN EARLIER EXPERIENCE: SAN FRANCISCO 2016

I am reminded of another and earlier experience that involved sounds at night.

In November 2016, my then-partner (HF) and I were dog-sitting in a new apartment in the Hayes Valley neighborhood of San Francisco. At night, after going to bed and turning off the lights, we would hear sounds from the kitchen – just a few meters away and around the corner from an open door.

What we heard was a repeat of sounds from earlier in the day: the faucet being turned on, Sheila’s ball bouncing on the floor, Sheila lapping up water from her water bowl, and so on. (Sheila was the dog.)

We all three heard it. Sheila slept in the bed, and she would bolt up, get standing fur, and bark at the kitchen.

As soon as I decided to get up to see, the sound would stop.

This happened over several nights. I asked more senior Vortex Healers for assistance, and it all quieted down after some channeling.

When I checked my initial post on this, I saw that this too happened at the same time of year, in November.

WHAT MAY IT BE?

What’s going on? I don’t know.

For the three most recent instances, it’s the same clear and recognizable sound. My wife and I have both heard it each time. There is no normal explanation for it. It goes away when we decide to check on it, and often comes back when we return to bed and turn off the light. It seems to happen at this time of year. The sound comes from a piece of land empty of people. (An empty lot, a forest.) And it has now happened in three different locations.

The earlier experience in San Francisco fits the same general pattern. It was a repeating sound. (In this case a repeating set of sounds.) It happened at night. The three of us heard it. (My then-partner, the dog, and me.) It would stop as soon as I decided to get up to check about it. And it happened over several nights.

Each time, two or three of us have heard it, and we even have a recording, so it’s not something we imagine. We can find no normal explanation for it.

UPDATE JANUARY 2025

It’s January 29, 2025, and I am back in Norway and received an update from Barichara.

My father-in-law has now heard this sound, in the middle of the night, for three nights in a row. The first and second night, he got close to no sleep because of it. The third night, he heard it only three times.

He is sleeping in his bedroom, which is where we most recently heard it. We had not told him anything about our experiences.

We also have someone (D) coming once a week to help us with cleaning the house. Last night, she heard the same sound in the middle of the night. She was so terrified she could not get out of her bed. At the same time, her daughter screamed from a nightmare.

It seemed that the ghost, or whatever it is, followed me and/or my wife for a while, and is now following other people.

UPDATE FEBRUARY 2025

It’s February 11, 2025, and I am told that my father-in-law hears the ghost (he calls it a spirit) most nights. It’s keeping him awake. He gets up to ask the spirit to let him sleep.

It’s the day after. I asked him for more details. He hears it from exactly the area we heard it, and it’s the same sound he describes. As I mentioned earlier, we had not told him about it before he started hearing it for himself.

The image is of the guest house (log cabin) where we first heard the sledgehammer/pickaxe sound.

A synchronicity that unfolded over time

moe Leave a comment

In October a little over six years ago, my wife was in Bergen with her father as part of their European tour. They rented an AirBnB close to a modernist church, went inside, and talked about the unusual design. She likely left her glasses there. (In her family, they say that if you leave something in a place, it’s because you are going to return.)

While in Bergen, she posted a fiord cruise video on Facebook, and I commented: “Welcome to Norway!”. I was in New York at the time, for a Vortex Healing class. We had not been in contact before, although we had been in the same Vortex Healing class in New York one or two years earlier without noticing each other.

That church is one my father designed. When she was there, she had no idea she would later marry the son of the architect of that church.

It’s a kind of synchronicity that took place over time.

A friend of mine in Bergen (BB) recently moved to the neighborhood close to the church and just sent me the photo above, reminding me of this story.

I am only scratching the surface

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The surface of the Earth is the shore of the cosmic ocean. From it we have learned most of what we know. Recently, we have waded a little out to sea, enough to dampen our toes or, at most, wet our ankles.

– Carl Sagan in Cosmos

Since my teens, a central part of my experience is that we – I and all of humanity – are only scratching the surface.

What we (think we) know is a drop in the ocean. There is always infinitely further to go. There is more to learn and experience.

There are always other contexts and worldviews to understand something within that make as much or more sense than the ones we are familiar with, and that will turn our view on it upside down and inside out.

MY EXPERIENCE

Why is this so strong for me? I think it’s partly because I loved science from early in life, especially Cosmos by Carl Sagan, and he certainly made this clear. Later, when I was about fifteen, I got into Fritjof Capra, shifting worldviews, and the history and method of science, which also makes this very clear.

That’s likely why I have never thought that whatever noticing or insights I have, or tell myself I have, is even close to any full, final, or absolute truth, or that it’s anything else than scratching the surface.

No matter how much experience or insights I have about something, it’s a drop in the ocean of what’s there to experience, notice, and have insights about.

There is always further to go. It’s an ongoing process.

MENTAL MAPS AND FUTURE UNDERSTANDING

That’s also how it is with my mental maps and understanding. My thoughts are questions about the world. They have a limited and practical function only, which is to help me orient and navigate in the world. They cannot capture any full, final, or absolute truth. There is some validity in most if not all thoughts. (We just need to find what kind of validity.) Reality is always more than and different from our stories about it.

In the future, our current understanding – whether it’s in natural science, social science, psychology, or the science of awakening and healing – will be seen as old-fashioned and outdated. They will have a different understanding and new contexts and worldviews to understand it within.

I love that it very likely is like this. It allows for continued and unlimited exploration.

A PITFALL

To myself, it’s very clear that whatever experience, understanding, and insights I may have is nothing compared to what’s out there to explore. I am always a novice, a beginner. That’s fine. It’s accurate and it allows for receptivity, fascination, and curiosity.

There is something for me to be aware of here. I often present myself in the world in this way too, as a novice and beginner, since it matches my experience and how I see it. It’s accurate in the big-picture context that I use. It’s accurate on the scale of infinite exploration.

The problem is that others understand it in another context, in the everyday context of human life and the scale of what’s out there in society today. Here too, I am not too far on the expert side of the scale in anything, but I am also not a novice in many areas of life. I have explored certain areas of life and mind further than the average person.

This leads others to often dismiss what I have to say or contribute, at least those on the novice side of the scale. (If they have more experience, they tend to recognize it. The exception is if they are strongly tied to certain identities or assumptions.)

This fits into my trauma response of wanting to hide and be invisible. It feels safer for me to be invisible, to be seen as a novice and beginner even if it’s not accurate in a conventional sense. That’s likely why this is happening.

I already have a view of any amount of experience, noticing, and insights as close to nothing compared to what’s possible. That’s accurate enough. If parts of me were not caught up in this trauma response, I would keep that distinct from the conventional scales of experience that most people use in daily life.

Since parts of me are caught up in that trauma response, they use this accurate view and present it in the world, even if I know others are likely to misunderstand.

That’s satisfying to the parts of me that want to keep me safe by hiding, and it’s also frustrating to other parts of me that would like me to be normally visible, behave in a more healthy way, and make more use of my experience, insights, and skills.

A NOTE ON THE QUOTE

The quote I used above is about our understanding of the physical universe. We know very little about the universe beyond this beautiful and fragile planet.

I used it since it works well for any kind of exploration and understanding, including about anything that’s part of this planet, ourselves, and our nature.

We are still in the shallows.

In a sense, we always will be since no matter how much we learn and think we know, there is always an infinite amount more waiting for us to explore and get to know.

Teachers either dismantle or perpetuate systemic inequities

moe Leave a comment

I was lucky. Growing up in Norway, I had one main teacher in elementary school, one in middle school, and one in high school. The ones I had in middle and high school both aimed at highlighting the systemic problems in society. At the time, several teachers in social sciences, history, and language, were university-educated “radical” intellectuals. (I don’t know how it is now.)

My teacher in middle school introduced me to The Turning Point by Fritjof Capra which changed my life. First year of high school, I think my teacher there introduced me to Bak Tid of Rom by Erik Damman which was also very important to me. (I may have discovered it in a bookstore, if I am honest, but I suspect my teacher mentioned it to us.)

The first by going through scientific research on topics that cannot be explained by a materialistic worldview.

The second by introducing me to systems views, Eastern philosophies, domination versus partnership cultures, the importance of worldviews, and the need for a thorough transformation in our worldview and all aspects of our culture if we are to create an ecologically sound civilization.

I put radical in quotation marks since they were not really radical. They supported democracy. They wanted what was good for individuals, society, and future generations. They promoted human rights and spoke up about social injustice. That’s what a kind and healthy human being naturally does.

My quarter-century long dark night

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I have been in a dark night for about 25 years, depending on how you count it, and perhaps there has been a thread of a dark night through my life from the beginning.

WHAT IS A DARK NIGHT?

What do I mean with a dark night? There are many different types, and I am not an expert so I can only share how it appears to me.

The essence of a dark night seems to be that parts of me, or my conscious view, holds onto a view, and life rubs up against that view.

Life invites me to see that I am holding onto a view that’s not entirely accurate, at least not in the way I take it. I hold onto it to for safety, and something else is possible.

At a visceral level, which is as or more important, there seems to be a wearing off of this (often less conscious) clinging to views for safety. Life wears it off in us through challenging experiences.

A THREAD OF A DARK NIGHT

Maybe the way I wrote about it in the intro is most accurate.

There is a thread of a dark night through my life, and sometimes it’s stronger and more in the foreground and other times more mild and in the background.

FORMS OF DARK NIGHT

For me, the dark night has taken especially two forms.

One is distress from leaving a clear inner guidance on a major life decision, and continuing to leave my guidance by staying in a situation that went counter to my inner guidance. This started in my late twenties, went through my thirties, was resolved in my outer life in my early fourties, and I am still recovering from it.

The other is a massive amount of primal fear and trauma surfacing, to a degree that felt completely overwhelming to my human self and brought me to my knees. This started when the CFS came back strongly in my late thirties, peaked in my early fourties, and is taking a milder form now.

It has been mixed in with a lot of losses – of health, house, most of what I owned, marriage, friends, opportunities, and so on.

There is also the everyday one where parts of me holds onto a view, life goes counter to it, and there is discomfort and distress. (For instance, a part of me wants silence and rest, and life brings up noise and movement.)

In a sense, my chronic illness has been a thread of a dark night for me.

Some have an experience of the divine that goes away and it seems that the divine has left them. (They may have associated the divine with an experience, and are invited to find it independent of the changing content of experience.)

Some go through “dry” periods with a loss of motivation. (The personal motivation is gone and something else, less personal, has not yet entered.)

I have experienced those too, but they seem mild compared with the first two I mentioned…!

I know there are many other forms of dark night and I may add these to the list as they come to me.

HOW I NAVIGATED MY DARK NIGHT

How do we navigate a dark night?

It obviously depends on the type of dark night, where we are in the process, and the situation in general.

Here are some thing that seemed to help me.

The first phase of the dark night, triggered by going against my inner guidance, was resolved by finally following my guidance again on that major life decision.

The second phase has been different. When it came, and especially as it got more intense and overwhelming, it felt like something had gone terribly wrong.

It was immensely helpful to read the dark night chapter in Mysticism by Evelyn Underhill and see that others have gone through something similar. I read contemporary books on spiritual emergencies. I listened to interviews on the dark night (some helpful and some less so).

I eventually found others who had been going through it themselves, or were in the middle of it. Having conversations with them was very helpful. It made me feel more “normal” and helped me see that nothing had gone wrong in the way a part of me thought it had.

It helped me to go for long walks in nature. I was fortunate to live close to a forest (my childhood forest) at the time, and I walked for hours there, either in silence or listening to talks by Adyashanti.

My system was going haywire from all the trauma and primal fear coming up. I found that Five Element Acupuncture helped it balance, at least for a day or two.

Talking with friends helped, to some extent, especially those who are more on the receptive and understanding end.

Breema bodywork, and other forms of mindful movement, nourished and supported me a lot, although I had moved from my Breema community so there was less of this in my life at the time.

Since I had (and have) a chronic illness, and I felt overwhelmed in general, I had to find approaches that required minimum effort. For instance, I got deeper into the noticing aspect of basic meditation – to notice that what’s here in the field of experience is already allowed and noticed.

I did a lot of inquiry, especially The Work of Byron Katie and later the Kiloby Inquiries. For instance, I had the thought that “it’s too much, I can’t take it”, and discovered it wasn’t true. It wasn’t too much. I obviously could take it.

I did a lot of heart-centered practices, especially ho’oponopno.

I did an all-inclusive gratitude practice in periods, with partners online. This is where you write “I am grateful for…” and include anything and everything, also what you don’t necessarily feel grateful for. It opens the mind and heart and something shifts.

I learned to meet my experience with kindness. I have explored it since my teens, but this was a new level of challenge. What was coming up was far more difficult to meet that way, at least at first.

It helped (and helps) to notice that all of it happens within and as the consciousness I am. In that context, nothing has gone wrong or can go wrong. There is no path that can be left.

It helped to see that this is a process of unprocessed materials surfacing. It can feel overwhelming and immensely painful and difficult, and yet it’s part of a larger healing process.

For me, since I can see energies, it also helped to notice the energy around everything and everyone. It was a reminder that all is Spirit and the divine, even the (apparently) terrible things I was going through.

MY EXPERIENCE

I have written about my process before so will only revisit it briefly for context.

In elementary and middle school, I was an atheist with nothing but disdain for religions and spirituality. (Although I was interested in parapsychology.)

At age fifteen, there was a dramatic shift where the world – including everything connected with this human self – seemed very far away. I think it was during this time I got into The Turning Point by Fritjof Capra. I am pretty sure this is also when I started seeing energies, first around leaves set against the blue sky.

At age sixteen, there was another dramatic shift. I walked along the gravel road to the house at night with a big wind going through the landscape and the sky full of stars. Suddenly, all was God. All was the divine without exception. This human self and anything else was revealed as the temporary and local expressions of the divine, as part of the play of the divine.

This shift didn’t go away, although it was followed by years of intense energies running through my system and a flood of insights and inspirations. (The insights are essentially the same as what I write about in these posts.)

There was a kind of honeymoon period for about ten years where things seemed to fall into place in amazing ways. I did a lot of work with projections, shadow work, basic meditation, Zen practice, and so on during this time.

Towards the end of my twenties, I got married and moved to another location. I left my graduate studies, the Zen center, my friends, and the place where I felt deeply at home. I left my path. And I did so by going through a very clear inner guidance telling me not to do it. This was the beginning of the first phase of the dark night. It brought up a great amount of constant distress in me and I felt profoundly off track.

In my thirties, I got back into meditation and inquiry, and there was a shift into a very clear no-self state. The no-self aspect of my nature came into the foreground. This lasted for about six months. (There were also many other things happening during this time. I suspect I wrote about some of them on this blog at the time.)

In my late thirties, after this shift, my health (CFS) worsened dramatically. (Likely triggered by weeks of pneumonia my doctor wouldn’t treat, possibly combined with mold and general life stress.) This was the beginning of the second and stronger phase of the dark night. At first, it was most my health problems, and then it shifted into primal fear surfacing along with early traumas and a series of losses in my life in the world. I lost my health, house, marriage (which was a good thing to lose), property, opportunities, and so on.

Some years into this, Adyashanti told me that “life will squeeze out what’s left in you” and that’s how it’s been. I have felt in an unbearable squeeze for long periods, and even now at times. I get put into situations that seem impossible to resolve.

The shift out of this most intense phase of the dark night happened around the time that I found Vortex Healing. Vortex Healing help my system stabilize, it (apparently) helped remove a latent virus in my body, and it has helped with energy boosts.

I am still in the dark night, although it’s milder now than it was. I feel I have one leg in it and one leg outside.

A WORD ABOUT TERMINOLOGY

Why is it called a dark night? As far as I know, it comes from a poem by St. John of the Cross.

Western culture tends to see things in terms of polarities where one end of the polarity is good and the other is less good, bad, or even evil.

One of these polarities is light and dark, where light is seen as good and dark as bad. I guess that makes some evolutionary sense too since we are day mammals and the night can be dangerous for us. (Also because we don’t see where we are going.)

I don’t see it that way. For me, a dark night is not dark because it’s bad or even undesirable.

It’s dark in the sense of a dark night that allows for contemplation, rest, and being with what’s here. It turns attention inwards.

BOOK RECOMMENDATION

Version 1.0.0

I have already mentioned how much Evelyn Underhill’s Mysticism helped me, and I want to recommend another book, this one written by a friend of mine (I am one of the people interviewed for the book):

The Dark Night of the Soul: A Journey from Absence to Presence by Fiona Robertson.

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My grandfather the Nazi

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My grandfather was a Nazi.

I learned that only a few years ago, and what happened with him and his family sheds light on several of the dynamics I grew up with in my own family.

WHY DID ORDINARY CITIZENS SUPPORT THE NAZIS?

Why did he sympathize with the Nazis and even join the Norwegian Nazi party?

I don’t know. My parents never talked about this, and I have only had conversations about it with my cousins who know as little as I do.

What I know is that he loved nature and everything Norwegian, so that may be part of it. I also got the impression that he was quite authoritarian, as were many at that time.

There could be any number of other reasons as well: Perhaps a good friend was a Nazi. Being a Nazi could keep him out of trouble during the war. He may have thought the Nazis would win and that he and his family would be in a good position after the war. He may have been afraid of the communists.

EXPLANATIONS ARE NOT EXCUSES

Those are possible explanations, although they are no excuses. There are no excuses. We always make our own choices. We know what we know. We know what we prioritize. We know what we pretend to not know.

He knew that the Nazis did away with democracy in Germany and the countries they occupied. He knew that the Nazis invaded and occupied Norway and other countries. He knew they were fascists with everything that comes with that. He knew what they did to anyone opposing them, or anyone they saw as a threat or degenerate. He likely also knew quite a bit about what happened with the Jews and other marginalized groups in Germany.

Still, he chose to support them. That says a lot about him.

HOW IT IMPACTED MY FAMILY

He was a member of the Nazi party, and once helped search for an escaped prisoner, but otherwise was not actively engaged with the Nazis or the occupation. After the war, he was convicted and sentenced to several months of prison and hard labor, ironically at the same prison camp (Grini) used by the Nazis. As far as I know, the family had to sell their home and move to another place where people didn’t know them. My uncle was also a member of the Nazi party, but my father was not.

As I mentioned, it sheds light on some family dynamics. My uncle always seemed very authoritarian and didn’t tolerate people disagreeing with him. My father seemed intent on living the life of a good citizen who couldn’t be criticized for anything. (He did it. He got a good education. Had his own respectable business. Raised a family. Kept his house and garden in good condition. And so on.) There were a lot of taboos in my family growing up, and this was one of them.

I didn’t know about this until about ten years ago when a cousin of mine discovered and shared it. I also received information from the National Archive in Norway about the court case and sentencing.

HOW HAS IT IMPACTED ME?

How has this impacted me? It certainly seems to be a part of some of the family dynamics I grew up in.

My trauma reaction of wanting to be invisible makes sense in this context. As does my desire to explore and bring things to the surface.

My grandfather was a forester, although the old-fashioned type that likely maximized the forest for timber production and not so much else. He loved nature, wildlife, and being in nature, as does my father. I likely inherited my love of nature and wildlife from them.

These days, I work with forests too, although in a different way. I am in the Andes and we have a regeneration, reforestation, and food forest project here.

WHY DOES THIS COME UP NOW?

Why does this come up for me these days?

It’s been in the back of my mind since I learned about it, and the parallel between me and my grandfather when it comes to our love for nature – and our work with forests – is unavoidable.

It’s also in my mind because of what’s happening in the US these days. There too, people who see themselves as good people and good citizens support and vote for a fascist. They see it as supporting and upholding tradition and what’s good about their country. They turn a blind eye to the horrors they know come with it because they think it won’t impact them.

It’s a week until the next US presidential election, where the choice is between someone who fits all the characteristics of a fascist and someone who – at least – will continue democracy.

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The ways I am conservative

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I am from a conservative family, and I am in many ways very conservative.

WHAT DOES CONSERVATIVE MEAN?

First, what does it mean to have a conservative orientation? What’s the essence of it?

For me, it’s to preserve what’s valuable, meaningful, and essential for us collectively.

How am I conservative in that essential meaning?

MY FORM OF CONSERVATISM

I can find many things I see as important to conserve, preserve, and protect.

I wholeheartedly support preserving cultures, especially marginalized and indigenous cultures. I want to see them alive and thriving.

I am all for preserving languages, especially small or indigenous languages.

I love traditional knowledge and wisdom, especially from indigenous cultures.

I am all for taking care of nature and our local, regional, and global ecosystems. We are nature, so taking care of nature is to take care of ourselves and future generations.

I love science. I love the methods of science. (Of course, I also know that the content of science is always up for revision and always changing. What’s mainstream science today is outdated tomorrow.)

I love history. I love how history changes when we change. I love the lessons that can be learned from history. (For instance, when the pandemic happened, I was not surprised it happened, or the measures put in place, or the conspiracy theories that flourished. I knew it was roughly time for the next one. I also know the history of medicine and epidemiology and what works when we have pandemics, so I was not surprised by the common-sense measures that most governments put in place. They are what history shows us works. And pandemics and other times of crisis tend to fuel conspiracy theories. That’s how some people deal with their fear.)

I support giving a voice to the voiceless – to future generations, nature, and non-human species. I support strong laws protecting these. I support appointing people to speak for them, and who have real power and are backed by the law. This may help them in the future, and it will certainly help us now by giving us a more sound guide than many of the ones we are currently using.

I want to preserve humanity and our civilization, which is why I support a profound transformation of all aspects of our civilization. Our current civilization is ecocidal and suicidal since it assumes nature is infinite. A sustainable civilization takes the limits of nature into account so what’s easy and attractive to do is also ecologically sound. This has to happen if we are to preserve humanity and our culture.

Even if I want a profound transformation of our civilization, I want it partly so we can preserve all the beautiful and wonderful things in our civilization. I don’t want it to be lost quite yet. I want more generations to be able to enjoy it.

I also want a transformation that comes from our collective will. A good portion of us need to be on board with it for it to happen.

TRANSFORMATION IS SOMETIMES REQUIRED FOR PRESERVATION

These days, with our global ecological crisis, transformation is essential for preservation.

We have a civilization that assumes nature is infinite and disregards ecological realities. That’s an ecocidal and suicidal civilization. To preserve humanity, culture, and life as we know it, we need a profound transformation of all aspects of our civilization. We need to create a more life-centered and ecologically sound civilization.

In this case, preserving what’s most important to us means we need a thorough transformation.

IN A MORE CONVENTIONAL SENSE

In a more conventional sense, and as how most people would label it, I am not very conservative.

I am liberal and progressive in my views on society. (I love Woke and see it as essential to creating a society that works better for everyone.) Green when it comes to politics. (I am a member of the Green Party in Norway). Radical in that I see a profound transformation of our civilization as necessary for our survival. And conservative in the essential ways described above.

All of it is true and more.

ALL IS PART OF ME

In terms of my conscious orientation, and in a conventional sense, I am not conservative.

At the same time, the world is my mirror and I have what I see in conservatives in myself.

Many views and orientations are conventionally labeled conservatism. Often, it has to do with preserving privilege – white privilege, male privilege, the privilege of mainstream culture, the privilege of money and status, and so on. To me, this is a less savory expression of conservatism.

Whatever it is, it’s something I can find in myself. Whatever story I have about conservatives in the world – Trump, Thatcher, Milei – I can turn it to myself and find specific and genuine examples of how it’s true, including in the moment I have these stories about someone else.

TOUNGE-IN-CHEEK?

The initial description of how I am conservative is slightly tongue-in-cheek, and it’s also not.

I am fully aware that the list I gave above goes counter to most forms of conservatism. If conservatism often is about preserving privilege, what I listed is far more oriented toward supporting the marginalized and voiceless. (I also love to redefine common words and labels so they go more to their essence and require a second or third look.)

At the same time, I do see it as aligned with the essence of real conservatism: preserving what’s most important to us.

And I know I have it all in me, all forms of conservatism and more.

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Quantum physics and Eastern philosophies

moe Leave a comment

In my mid-teens, I got deeply into systems views, quantum physics, and how they mirror insights from awakening and Eastern philosophies. (Initially through The Turning Point by Fritjof Capra, then The Tao of Physics and Uncommon Wisdom by Capra, and then by working my way through the books he frequently referenced.)

I still find systems views very useful, especially as they are medicine for the typical Western worldview.

I am less sure about quantum physics. It was fascinating at the time, and I loved the parallels between quantum physics and Eastern philosophies. Since I was deeply into science, it helped me mentally bridge the Western and Eastern worldviews, and that was helpful.

Soon, I got a bit disenchanted with it all. For a while, it can be fun playing with worldviews and their parallels, and then it becomes a little too obvious that that’s what it is: Playing with and comparing worldviews. Both are maps of the world. Both are created by the mind. Both are one of innumerable possible worldviews that would fit the data equally well or better, most of which we are not aware of yet. And so on. (I am sure Capra writes about this although I don’t remember.)

I also got a bit disenchanted with what seemed like an attempt by some Westerners to justify and validate Eastern philosophies through quantum physics. Eastern philosophies don’t need validation in that way. They don’t need to be validated by one aspect of Western science, and one interpretation of that one aspect of Western science.

They stand well on their own. Parallels are not validation, so that kind of validation is impossible. And that particular interpretation of quantum physics is very likely temporary. There are many other maps and models that can explain the data equally well or better, most of which we are currently unaware of. Some of these, very likely, don’t match Eastern philosophies nearly that well.

Although it can be fascinating and worth pointing out, it doesn’t make sense to me to invest in one particular understanding (Copenhagen model) of one aspect of Western science (quantum physics) as a kind of validation (not really) of Eastern philosophies.

Science is all about change. Our maps, understandings, and worldviews are always changing. Eastern philosophies are about something slightly more universal and timeless. Although they too, of course, consist of maps, understandings, and worldviews, and these too are up for revision.

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General awakening vs parts awakening

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There is a difference between general awakening and parts awakening.

When the oneness shift happened in my teens, it was very clear that it turned everything upside down and inside out and that this human self still had a long way to go in aligning with it.

As I have written about in other articles, there is a big difference between a general awakening, and our human self – our psyche – getting more fully on board with it.

GENERAL AWAKENING

A general awakening is when our nature consciously recognizes itself.

It may have taken itself as fundamentally an object within the content of experience – usually a combination of this human self, a doer, an observer, human identities, roles, and so on. It pretended to do this since it can’t happen fully.

Then, it recognizes itself. It finds itself as what all content of experience happens within and as. It finds itself as what a thought may call consciousness. It finds itself as the consciousness the world, as it appears to itself, happens within and as. It finds itself as the consciousness that forms itself into any and all content of experience.

There is a general release of identification out of stories telling it is fundamentally anything within the content of experience.

This can happen as a glimpse or in a more stable way. Often, there is a long process after this where the consciousness we are explores itself and gets into the habit of noticing itself through daily life situations and changing content of experience.

In the lead-up to this, there can be a period of intuitions or apparently weird experiences: A tree may seem conscious. Things may appear to look back at you. There may be a sense of consciousness or Spirit in things or the whole world. And so on. These are our nature noticing itself, although veiled behind some relatively strong remaining identifications.

PARTS AWAKENING

As humans and a psyche, we consist of innumerable parts or subpersonalities. Any label or story is, in a sense, a part. It creates a part. These parts live their own life to a large extent.

They all inevitably color our perception and life, often without us consciously noticing.

Some of them – or maybe most? – operate to a certain extent from painful stories. They operate as if a certain story, different in each case, is true. They are wounds, issues, hangups, traumas, or whatever we want to call it.

TALKING ABOUT IT

There are different ways to talk about these two aspects of what we are.

One is using the language of who and what. As what I am, I am what all content of experience happens within and as. As who I am, I am this human self in the world. Both are accurate in their own ways. (To myself, I am what this world happens within and as. In the world and to others, I am this human self.)

We can also say it’s the difference between consciousness and system. One is the consciousness I am. The other is the system of this human self embedded in the larger social and ecological systems of the world. To me, the consciousness I am forms itself into the experience of the latter.

Or maybe context and content. The context is what I am. The content is whatever happens in the sense fields, in the content of experience. Here too, we can say that the context forms itself into the experience of any content.

INVITING HEALING AND ALIGNING

Noticing the many wounds of my human self is why I got deeply into working with projections and the shadow in my mid-teens, to invite more parts of my psyche to heal and align more consciously with my nature – and their nature, which is the same.

What are some of the approaches we can use to invite these wounded and confused parts of us to heal and align with our nature noticing itself?

The main one is our orientation – receptivity, curiosity, and genuine wish for healing and seeing the reality and truth of our different parts and how they operate.

Relationships are an important arena for noticing and being honest about what we see in ourselves, and also practicing what’s new to us, and having good boundaries. Relationships include our relationship with ourselves, our parents, our friends and colleagues, our children, the world, and so on.

Befriending is, in some ways, what it’s all about. Befriending the confused and suffering parts of us. See it. Feel it. Find love for it. Treat it with kindness. Treat it as we would like to be treated when we feel that way. (When those parts of us are triggered and on the surface.) Listen to it. Find the stressful stories it’s believing. Notice it’s nature. (Which is the same as our nature.) Rest in and as that noticing. Allowing it to realign within that noticing.

Therapy can help us identify and explore issues, in whatever form of therapy works for us, whether it’s talk therapy, somatic, parts work, or something else.

Different forms of mindful movement can transform energies and help us feel more at home in our system, whether it’s yoga, tai chi, qigong, Breema, dance, or something else.

Heart-centered practices help us shift our relationship with parts of ourselves, the world, and our experiences in general.

Basic meditation also helps us shift our relationship with our experiences. After trying and failing to consistently notice and allow our experiences, we may notice that what’s here is already noticed and allowed and rest in and as that noticing, and that noticing and allowing.

Training a more stable attention supports all of this, just about any activity, and also our well-being.

Inquiry can help us explore our nature, and also how our mind creates identifications and beliefs, and find what’s more true for us. I especially like the Big Mind process, Headless experiments, and sense field explorations including modern versions like the Kiloby Inquiries.

Some forms of energy work can help release the load in the system around certain issues. The one I have found that seems to really work is Vortex Healing.

MY STORY

How has all of this unfolded for me?

When I was fifteen, it was as if the world – any content of experience including this human self – went very far away. I also started having a sense of the divine in and as everything, and weird things started happening like seeing energies around plants, animals (also humans), and inanimate objects. I later saw this as consciousness releasing identification with the world and this human self, and retaining identification as an observer.

When I was sixteen, there was a dramatic and profound oneness shift that turned everything upside down and inside out. It was very clear that I was not fundamentally anything within content of experience. I was what it all happened within and as. This was followed by years of a flood of insights (same as I write about here) and strong energies running through my system. This noticing never went away, although it has clarified over time. (For instance, for a while it was associated with a certain state.)

In my mid-teens, I got deeply into Jung and the Jungian approach to working with projections, the shadow, and dreams (and waking life as a dream). I continued reading Jung and his followers in my twenties and thirties and applying it.

In my teens and twenties, I delved deeply into basic meditation, Heart/Jesus Prayer, tonglen, Taoist inner yoga, tai chi, qigong, and more.

I have gone to various therapists since my early twenties. The ones I got the most out of were one who took a very pragmatic approach with goals and ratings, and Process Work (Process Oriented Psychology.)

I got into Process Work for many years and did sessions and went to practice sessions, workshops, and trainings at the Process Work center in Portland.

I was there when Genpo Roshi developed his Big Mind process, which is an effective way to clarify our nature, check in with the different parts of our psyche and see how they operate and see us, and find ways to create a more conscious partnership with them.

I then got equally deeply into The Work of Byron Katie, which is an effective way to identify and examine stories that parts of us hold as true, and find what’s genuinely more true for us. Finding genuine and specific examples, and taking one of the turnarounds into daily life, helps us get this more viscerally.

Breema is an amazing way to find our wholeness in a deeply visceral way, and I this too became a daily practice for several years.

I got into sense field explorations from Buddhism, and also the Kiloby Inquiries which is a modernized version of traditional Buddhist inquiry.

Through that, I also found Vortex Healing which is a remarkably effective form of energy work – to support healing and the awakening process.

And then the essence of all of this, which is befriending the suffering parts of me as described above. See them. Rest with the sensations. Notice the stressful stories the part of me is operating on, and find what’s more true for me. Meet it with kindness. Find genuine love for it. (It comes from a wish to protect me, it comes from love for me even if it’s confused love.) Dialog and listen to what it has to tell me. Give it what it really wants – love, acceptance, support, a sense of coming home. Notice its nature, which is the same as mine since it happens within and as what I am. Rest in and as that noticing. Allowing it to unwind and realign within that noticing.

As I seem to have a slightly obsessive personality, I tend to go deeply into these things. I typically would set aside time for practice for hours a day, and keep doing it through daily life.

For the last 15 years or so, I have also been in a deep dark night. In my case, a kind of dark night of trauma where different things surfaced at different times – profound survival fear, childhood trauma, attachment challenges, and so on. This has come with a series of losses in life – of my house, belongings, health, friends, opportunities, and so on. As I see it, this is another phase in the process of inviting healing for more of my system.

NOT A NEW TOPIC

As usual, none of this is new. This is what people throughout history and across tradition have talked about, although in the language of their tradition and time.

If my process is similar to that of others, it’s hard to not notice the distinction between (a) a general awakening and (b) the many parts of our human self – the wounded parts – not quite on board with it.

This process of more of us getting on board with the awakening is what some call embodiment, which is a nice shorthand. It’s almost too much of a shorthand since people may have quite different ideas of what it means.

THE PURPOSE?

I imagine some may wonder what the purpose of all of this is?

I don’t think there really is a purpose, apart from the exploration itself. It’s life expressing, experiencing, and exploring itself as this too, through and as one of its local and temporary expressions which happens to be this human self.

At a human level, we can find or create different purposes. For instance, healing, well-being, finding meaning, being less of a nuisance to others, being a small part of the healing humanity needs right now, and so on.

When an awakening happens “out of the blue” versus when it happens after seeking and practice

moe Leave a comment

I haven’t meet too many others where the awakening happened “out of the blue” so I don’t have a huge dataset, but I suspect there are some general differences between people where it happened without warning or preparation and where it happened after years of seeking and practice.

I’ll speak for myself here, and it may or not match the experience of others.

EXPLORING THE TERRAIN & FINDING HEALING

In my case, when the oneness shift happened, I had not been a “seeker” and I was not interested in awakening or spirituality. I was an atheist teenager with an interest in parapsychology.

After the oneness shift, I was mostly interested in learning to navigate the terrain, and to help more of my human self align with it (AKA heal).

I have been interested in spirituality, obviously, since I occasionally come across someone who clearly are familiar with the terrain and can give some good practical advice for how to explore and learn to navigate and live from and as it.

I am not interested in it for the same reasons as many are. That may be why I often feel I don’t fit in most spiritual groups. Many there are spiritual seekers and I am not, apart from seeking to explore and to heal at a very human level.

I am interested in what I notice here and now, in immediacy. Not so much what others say about it. Although it’s fun when others who are clearly familiar with the terrain share their experience, noticing, and explorations. They always have their own take on it.

PRAGMATIC APPROACH

Since I was an atheist, I don’t feel much allegiance to any particular spiritual group or tradition. I use whatever approach or tool that seems useful independent of where it comes from.

The tools I have found most useful have come from Taoism (Taoist inner yoga, tai chi, qigong), Tibetan Buddhism (tonglen), Buddhism in general (basic meditation, sense field explorations, Kiloby Inquiries), Buddhism and other traditions (training a more stable attention), Hawaian shamanic traditions (Ho’oponopno), Christianity (Jesus/Heart Prayer, Christ meditation), older unknown and modern known orgins (Breema), no tradition in particular (The Work of Byron Katie, Headless Way), modern psychology (Big Mind process, parts work, Jung, Process Work), and so on.

I honestly don’t care where it comes from as long as it seems useful.

CHALLENGES FROM LACK OF PREPARATION

Since it happened out of the blue, I was – at a very human level – not prepared.

It was profoundly disorienting at a human level. Everything was turned upside-down and inside-out. I felt profoundly alone in it. I was wondering if I was losing my mind.

At the same time, it was profoundly familiar – it was revealed as what is always here and all I had ever known. There was a profound sense of coming home.

There was an enormous constant deluge of insights (many of which I am still noticing and writing about here), and enormous energies ran through my system for years afterwards.

It took some years before I met someone who understood from their own experience, first Birgitte H. and then Hanne B. Both were, unsurprisingly looking back at it, also from outside of any particular tradition.

I assume that if you come from years of practice within a tradition, it can be a bit different. The initial upheaval may be similar, but there is also some understanding – at a human level – of what’s going on, and there is usually some support in place from the tradition, group, and teachers.

UPSIDES OF THE OUT-OF-THE-BLUE VERSIONS

So there are challenges inherent in the out-of-the blue versions, but also upsides, at least in my experience.

Some of them are mentioned or hinted at above: I am more free of traditions. I am more interested in exploring than seeking (apart from healing for my human self). I take a pragmatic approach. It all got started with a bang, although it made it very wobbly at a human level. When I meet others where it also happened out-of-the-blue, there is an instant recognition and excitement in finding someone who understands. (Although it’s always different in the details, as it should be.)

I am far more interested in what I notice here and now, in immediacy, than in what anyone is saying about it.

I also take not being very interested in spirituality – apart from the pragmatics of it – as a plus. (A lot of it is a distraction and comes from fantasies and wishful and fearful thinking, although when that happens, it becomes part of the path and fuel for exploration.)

A day on Milagros

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How does a day on Finca Milagros look for me these days? It’s always quite different but I’ll use the last 24 hours as an example.

THIS MORNING

This morning, I woke up at 4 am and went outside to enjoy the full moon and the landscape bathed in the moonlight. Some birds were already singing and I could hear several roosters crowing in the distance.

I then had some water with lemon and wrote a few things here.

My wife woke up at about 5 am. We spent some time together in bed with Mila the dog. She is only about four months old and although she is generally not allowed in the bed, we are taking time with her in the morning. It’s likely very good for her, and we enjoy it too.

We got up some minutes before 6 am, as the sun was beginning to come up. I watered the plants in the nursery, some plants we planted yesterday, and a few that seemed to need it otherwise. It rained a bit two nights ago, it rained a lot some days before then, and we are using a lot of mulch, so most plants don’t need water now.

Daniel and José Luis came around 7 am. I gave them each a couple of the many oranges we got from a neighbor earlier this week. They will work on the area between the two houses today, and also the garden around the big house. Daniel has helped us since April with the garden and food forest, and his help has been invaluable.

I am not able to do much physical work because of my chronic illness, and although I have been passionate about Permaculture and more for decades, I also don’t have expertise with this tropical ecosystem.

Diana came closer to 8 am to help get the big house ready. Roberto, my wife’s father, is coming later today. While they were talking and making breakfast, I went outside on the terrace facing the canyon to do qigong.

We then had breakfast – oatmeal porridge with papaya, sunflower seeds, bits of dates, some coconut oil, and more.

Just now, a few minutes after 8 am, my wife and Diana went to the big house to get it ready. I am staying back here to rest and do a few things, including in the house. As I write this, I listen to Mop Mop.

After Roberto arrives, we will go for lunch at Ángel in the town of Barichara.

Since it’s not even 9 am yet, I’ll write a bit about what we did yesterday.

YESTERDAY

Yesterday, Daniel and José Luis came at 7 am. I talked with Daniel about some of the plans for the terraces between the houses.

We had maybe 20 soursop seeds so Daniel and I mixed soil – 1/3 local soil, 1/3 compost, 1/3 rice husk, and a cup of microbe water. I and José Luis put the soil in bags and planted the seeds while chatting with my imperfect Spanish and his slightly better English. The soursops will grow for a while in these relatively large bags until they are ready to be transplanted.

I also looked at the progress with the vermicompost flush toilet system, and especially the area where the water flows into the ground. We want to make sure there is little to no chance of contamination. The location is made so any overflow is unlikely to create problems, and we are using a deep mulch bed (1-1.5 meters deep).

We did some other things in the garden and my wife cooked a delicious lunch for all of us – a soup/stew with beets, beans, squash, and much more.

After, we did several practical things and I watered some newly planted plants. If we need to water, we do it in the early morning just after sunrise, although in this case, I wanted to water them since they were just planted. I did it when the sun was close to the horizon.

I also looked at examples of the Japanese torii gates since I imagine one of those – a simple and rustic one – could look good at the entrance to the garden and house from the small road going here.

In the late afternoon, we walked up to the big house to look at the sunset from there. At the small house, where we are, we have the same view but we are in the middle of a forest so it’s less visible.

We then had a simple delicious meal with Felipe’s toasted bread, olive oil, avocado, and – for me – locally made goat cheese which is amazing and has a rich and complex taste. We had a good conversation.

We went to bed between 8 and 9 pm and fell asleep relatively quickly.

I realize all this sounds idyllic, and it is, although there are also plenty of challenges on some days.

All photos are from yesterday apart from the before-dawn moon photos from this morning.

All the beings on Milagros

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In my teens, I envisioned myself in the future writing books, giving talks, holding workshops, working with people individually and maybe in groups, teaching meditation, perhaps having an academic career related to psychology or spirituality (ideally doing research on a topic related to awakening), and so on. It didn’t seem all that far-fetched. I had familiarity with the terrain, the passion and drive, a good enough brain, and I relatively easily got top grades.

A SHIFT IN COURSE

None of that happened, likely due to a combination of trauma (social anxiety, wanting to stay hidden as a trauma response) and my chronic illness.

Instead, I find myself now putting all of that into the reforestation and food forest project here on Finca Milagros. It’s deeply rewarding, I notice how I am transformed by it along with the land, and it doesn’t have some of the annoying downsides (!) of working with humans. (Of course, it instead has its own challenges.)

If I had followed the path I envisioned, and which seemed realistic in one form or another, I could perhaps help a few dozen people, maybe somewhere in the three digits. Instead, through where life put me, I can help millions if not billions of beings. Of course, it’s not all about numbers, but in a sense, it is all about numbers.

RESCUING THIS LAND

I find it immensely rewarding to know that millions and possibly billions of beings will live out their life fully or partially on this land.

If we hadn’t bought it, someone else would and they would likely have developed it into dozens of plots with houses or a big hotel. Both is happening right down the hill from us, in two different projects, and we know that an architect in town had similar plans for this land.

LOVE SPICED WITH DISAPPOINTMENT

As I sometimes tell friends, I channel my disappointment into this regeneration project. It’s said as a joke, but there is a grain of truth in it.

What’s more real, of course, is that it comes from love – love for nature, life, this amazing living planet we are all expressions of and how it appears locally here.

AN ESTIMATE OF THE NUMBER OF BEINGS ON MILAGROS

How many beings live here now? Maybe low three digits of birds, a half to a few million insects, some dozen mammals, three digits of reptiles and amphibians (maybe more), trillions of microbes, and hundreds of thousands if not millions of plants of a few hundred different types.

How many beings may live here at any one time in the future, when the ecosystems is more mature, rich, and vibrant? Maybe a thousand birds, billions of insects, three digits of mammals, several hundred reptiles and amphibians, trillions of microbes, and millions of plants of several hundred different types.

Of course, this depends on what’s happening in the larger local, regional, and global ecosystem, but this will be a sanctuary for millions if not trillions of beings.

It will be a sanctuary for millions and perhaps trillions of consciousnesses just like me and you and all of us, all living through and as different bodies.

WE ARE ALL ESSENTIALLY THE SAME

Some will say that it’s more important to help humans but I don’t see it that way. Of course, I value and love my human connections, but we are all consciousnesses no matter what type of body we live through and as. We are all essentially the same, it’s just the expression that varies.

Similarly, we are all local and temporary expressions of this living system we call Earth. We are all the local eyes, ears, thoughts, and feelings of the universe. We are the universe bringing itself into consciousness.

LIVING THE ESSENCE OF MY CHILDHOOD DREAM

As a child, I loved nature. I loved being in nature with my parents. I loved nature programs on TV (especially Richard Attenborough and Sverre M. Fjelstad.) I wanted to become a biologist, although what I meant was ecologist. Now, I live my childhood dream in many ways.

Read on for more info.

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The path is everywhere

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Matt Licata has a book out called The Path is Everywhere. I love the title, and I love his approach, so I plan to get it. (Although because of my brain fog, I’ll likely not read it in full. In general, I can’t read more than very short texts or excerpts.)

When I hear book titles or read quotes – or anything – I like to use it as an opportunity for exploration.

What does this title bring up in me? What do I find when I explore it as a pointer?

THE PATH IS EVERYWHERE

This is the path. What’s here is the path.

In a direct sense, it’s all happening within and as what I am. It’s happening within and as the consciousness I am. Whatever path there is – whatever content of experience there is, however the world shows up to me – that’s the path.

Also, what’s here is the only path. Any other path only exists in imagination, in mental representations.

In a conventional sense, what’s here are the ingredients for the meal I can make out of it.

So whatever path I am on and however it looks, this is the path. In that sense, the path is everywhere.

THE OPPORTUNITIES HERE

Whatever is here in content of experience, my nature can notice itself.

Whatever is here, it’s an opportunity to notice that my nature has formed itself into it. It’s all the consciousness I am taking these forms.

Whatever is here, it’s an opportunity to relate to it with a little more kindness.

Whatever is here, it’s an opportunity to be a little more sincere and honest with myself.

Whatever is here, it’s an opportunity to find a little more healing for my human self.

In this sense too, the path is everywhere.

GOING OFF MY PATH

This is something I have explored a lot in my own life, not the least because I felt I got profoundly off track – at a very human level – more than a quarter of a century ago.

I went against a very clear inner knowing on a major life decision, felt I got profoundly off track in life, and I am still recovering from it. I made a choice that was not authentic and based in fear, and I got to live the consequences.

At some point, I had the thought that I had gone against the divine will, although that’s clearly not true. I went against my own inner guidance. Whatever happens, including that, is life moving. Whatever happens is, in a sense and if we want to use that language, divine will.

It has profoundly humbled me, and it has somehow – through a lot of messiness – gotten me here to this life.

DIFFERENT PATHS

We can definitely go off our path in terms of what’s authentic, what our inner guidance tells us, and so on. I would never advice anyone to go against their own inner guidance since it has consequences, and sometimes far more profound consequences than we imagine.

At the same time, life creates a new path and we never know where it will take us. As they say, our path is made as we walk.

We never know what could have been or what will be. I have no idea what would have happened if I followed my guidance on that major life decision. It’s not a given that it would have been amazing in a human sense. Similarly, I would never have imagined it would lead me to develop a food forest in a beautiful place in the Andes.

And, as Matt Licata says, the path is everywhere. It’s everywhere in several different senses.

Exploring what seems the most like “I”

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What seems the most like I? What seems the “closest”? Is there a center here that seems like an I?

How is it to take myself as it, even if it appears subtle? How is it to live from and as it?

How is it to notice it’s an object within the field of experience like any other object? How is it to perceive and live from and as that?

How is it to notice I am capacity for it all – the consciousness that forms itself into any and all appearances?

What sensations are connected with the sense of I? How is it to notice the sensations as sensations?

What are the words associated with it? How is it to notice these as words?

What are the mental images associated with it? How is it to notice these as mental images?

FASCINATION WITH WHAT SEEMS THE MOST LIKE “I”

I have had a fascination with exploring what seems the most like “I” since the initial oneness shift in my teens.

The way I have explored it has changed a bit over time and also reflects a particular phase of the process.

THE CONTEXT

In one sense, I am this human self in the world with roles, identities, skills, wounds, hangups, traumas, and so on.

I find that in my own first-person experience, I am something else. I am more fundamentally what all of this, and anything within the field of experience, happens within and as.

I am what a thought may call consciousness, and the world to me happens within and as the consciousness I am.

I find this through logic as well. If I “have” consciousness, it means that to myself I AM consciousness. It also means that the world, to me, happens within and as the consciousness I am. The consciousness I am forms itself into any and all experiences, with no exception.

A SENSE OF I

The consciousness we are can identify with and as a thought that says we are fundamentally something within the content of experience: this human self, a doer, and observer, and also a range of other identities like a son, daughter, parent, victim, and so on.

That creates a sense of being an I, and it creates a sense of the rest – whether it’s connected with our human self or the wider world – as Other.

PARTS OPERATING FROM SEPARATION CONSCIOUSNESS

Even when the oneness we are recognizes itself, there will be parts of the psyche – often wounded parts – still operating from separation consciousness.

These will color our perception and life even if they are apparently dormant.

When these are triggered and come more strongly to the surface, the consciousness we are may temporarily “forget” its nature and identify with and as the painful stories these parts of us operate from. It will temporarily go into duality and operate from duality.

It will take itself as an I with a particular view and identity, and everything else is Other.

SOME THINGS SEEM MORE I

In my experience, even when the consciousness I am notices itself, there are still some things that seem a little more “close” and more an “I”.

In my case, I notice it in some physical sensations in the top of my mouth towards the back and in top of the throat. I sometimes also notice it with the idea of a doer or observer.

They are like small and slightly more dense islands in the oneness, and when attention goes there, they are recognized as what they are – islands of sensations, mental images, and words.

INVESTIGATING WHAT SEEMS MORE AS AN I

I find it very interesting to explore these.

I notice anything within the field that seems a little more like “I”.

I notice these too are objects within the field of experience just like anything else. They don’t have a privileged position.

I notice the sensations. I notice they are sensations just like the other sensations here.

I notice some of the words and mental images associated with it. I notice they are words and images.

I notice I am what all of this – the whole field of experience – happens within and as. These parts of the field happen within and as what I am just like everything else.

BASIC MEDITATION

Basic meditation is a valuable support here.

It often starts with having the intention to notice and allow what’s here, and failing at both to some extent.

I then notice that what’s here in the field of experience is already noticed and allowed.

Over time, at a visceral level, and whether it’s consciously noticed or not, there is a grokking that all content of experience comes and goes, including any sense of an I. If that too comes and goes, can I fundamentally be it? Am I fundamentally something else? What it all comes and goes within?

This helps soften any identification with and as an I although it is, it seems, a long process.

MORE SYSTEMATIC EXPLORATIONS

Sometimes, I investigate this in a more systematic and guided way, and the more organic explorations outlined above are partly informed by these.

The Big Mind process creates a contrast between finding ourselves as Big Mind and the different perspectives created by thoughts.

The Headless experiments creates a contrast with our nature and what it forms itself into.

The Work of Byron Katie helps identify and investigate thoughts and find what’s more true.

The Kiloby Inquiries is a modern version of traditional Buddhist sense field inquiry and perhaps the most direct and effective way to explore any I sense.

WHERE WE ARE IN THE PROCESS

Some explorations into who and what we are seem useful throughout the process, including basic meditation and heart-centered practices.

Others are more specific to the particular phase we are in and our inclinations and other circumstances.

What I have written about here mostly applies when our nature is relatively familiar with noticing itself.

If our nature is less familiar with noticing itself, some of these approaches can be quite effective, especially The Big Mind process and the Headless experiments, along with sense field explorations.

IN MY CASE

In my case, my nature relatively easily notices itself. My world is recognized as consciousness forming itself into appearances. It’s all consciousness.

When attention goes somewhere else, this particular noticing goes more into the background.

Attention can go to an object or task. Here, the object of attention can be noticed as consciousness. Or attention may not go to that aspect of it. Either way is fine.

Several parts of my psyche still operate from separation consciousness. These are wounded parts of me. Here, consciousness locally – as these parts – identify with the viewpoint of painful thoughts. This inevitably colors my perception and life. Sometimes, when these are triggered, attention gets absorbed into them and there is identification with the part more at a surface level. (Get caught up in an issue.)

Even here, parts of me know what’s going on.

NOTES

There are close to 5000 private articles on this website, and this one was one of them for a couple of months. Why don’t I make them public? Mainly because something about them doesn’t feel quite right. They feel a little off and/or too convoluted. In that case, it makes sense to scrap what I have written and start afresh, and when I do, what comes out is usually simpler and clearer. In this case, I decided to publish the more convoluted article as is. Sometimes, I also keep long articles private because I keep finding more connections and things to say and it feels a bit too much for my brain-foggy mind. Often, I forget to return to the article to simplify it and instead move on to other topics.

The image is created by me and Midjourney

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If someone tell me something about someone or something, I know that that’s not how that someone or something is – AKA our stories cannot touch reality  

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When someone tells me something, I tend to not buy into it in the same way as they sometimes seem to do. I have noticed that if that’s too obvious, they can get upset, so I have learned to play along to some extent.

Why don’t I buy into the story? Because it’s just one of many that all hold some validity, and no story can touch reality.

CONVENTIONAL SENSE

Of course, a story can be more or less accurate in a conventional sense.

Often, it’s not that accurate. They may misunderstand something. Their story often says more about them than the world.

THE WORLD IS MORE THAN AND DIFFERENT FROM OUR STORIES

Even if it is relatively accurate, it’s not how the world is.

The world – whether it’s a person, situation, object, or something else – is inherently more than and different from our stories.

Our stories are questions about the world. They are maps that highlight some features and leave a lot out, and they are made up of something different from what they point to. They are made up of mental representations, and what they point to may be a person, a situation, an object, etc.

Often, we only glimpse a small part of the fuller picture.

Our stories reflect our own perspectives, biases, limited understanding, limited experience, hangups, hopes, fears, worldview, and more.

A person is infinitely more than any label, identity, or story we have about that person. They are infinitely more than any action they did or words they said. They are infinitely more than any patters we think we observe in their behavior or words.

If we knew more about someone or someone, we would understand it in a very different way.

If we had a different worldview, we would understand them or it in a very different way.

In my experience, the more I understand about someone or something, the more kind my stories about it are.

MY OWN STORIES

This is really about my own stories. I know they are not true in any full, final, or absolute sense. They are questions about the world. They are a starting point for exploration, at most.

Of course, there is a difference between a general understanding of this, and recognizing it in the story that’s here.

Also, there is a difference between a global conscious view on this and the stories parts of me operate from. Many parts of my psyche hold onto painful stories as truth in order to stay safe, and these are mostly different from my conscious view.

HOW I HAVE EXPLORED STORIES

How have I explored stories?

I got into Fritjof Capra’s The Turning Point when I was fourteen or fifteen and it profoundly influenced how I see stories and worldviews, and I continued to explore this through his other books and books by similar authors.

In the oneness shift when I was sixteen, it was very clear that stories cannot touch reality. They are questions and can serve as practical pointers in a limited sense, and that’s about it.

Since then, I have continued to explore stories through… The Big Mind process and seeing how the different parts of my psyche all have different views, stories, and worldviews. The Work of Byron Katie and identifying and examining stressful stories, and finding the validity in the reversals. Sense field explorations and seeing how the mental field creates an overlay of the world, and creates my whole mental representation of the world. The Kiloby Inquiries which go into this in far more detail and specificity.

Equally or more importantly, daily life experiences of having one story or set of stories, and noticing that reality is different from any and all of them.

And perhaps most importantly, the times when my nature comes strongly into the foreground and it is very clear that stories and the mental field cannot – by its nature – capture reality, including our everyday reality and lives. (The most recent one where the volume was turned up high on this one was the Amma experience last fall.)

The image is by me and Midjourney and is just an illustration and not, as far as I can tell, very obviously related to the topic of this article

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Something I notice in my energy system related to the fatigue (CFS)

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There is something I have noticed for decades in my energy system, and it seems related to the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS).

ENERGETIC HOLE & WEAKNESS IN THE SPINE AREA

For a long time, I had a kind of energetic “hole” in the spine area in the solar plexus area. It felt like the energy in my body disappeared out through that hole. Some years ago, after getting into Vortex Healing, my partner and I spent a good amount of time filling that hole with energetic structures and whatever seemed to help. Since then, and with some additional energetic work, I don’t sense a hole there in the same way and the energy has not drained out in the same way.

What I do notice is an energetic weakness in the spine area, especially in the belly and solar plexus region. I seems very much connected to the CFS. We are working on filling that area too, with energetic structures and replacing vital webbing. It helps, although it requires several sessions and top-offs.

My sense is that this weakness is connected with the third and second chakras and issues stored in those chakras. If I work on optimizing – clearing and energizing – the third chakra, a lot of old issues and unfelt/unresolved/unloved things come to the surface. Even a brief session of a minute or so releases a lot for the next one or several days, and it’s quite challenging. I suspect all of this is connected with ongoing childhood trauma.

Since my teens, I have also noticed an energetic block in the diaphragm area, separating the upper and lower body. With VH, I was able to open that so my system now feels more like one whole.

WORKING ON CFS WITH VORTEX HEALING

When we work with CFS with Vortex Healing (VH), we typically first check for a low-grade infection in the system. Often, there is a latent viral infection that stresses the system, and the system may damage itself while trying to get rid of it. With VH, we can remove this infection. In my case, it was removed some years ago. My system has been more stable since. I have avoided the “go back to start” situation I had before where I would gradually improve and then have a setback that got me back to what felt like zero.

We also optimize the different parts of the energy system (meridians, voridians, chakras) and other parts of the system. We work on emotional issues impacting the energy system and holding the CFS in place. We do energetic pujas for health.

We energize the system. In daily life, this is by far what helps me the most.

A LONG PROCESS

In a few cases, VH can help people with CFS quickly and dramatically.

Most of the time, it seems to be like it is for me. It’s a long process. There is a gradual stabilization and improvement, with some marked improvements and some setbacks as well.

As most who have CFS do, I focus on pacing, diet, herbal supplements, drinking lots of water, listening to my body, and resting before, after, and during activity and extra.

In terms of a possible mind aspect of the CFS, I am aware of and explore the patterns in me of people-pleasing, perfectionism, and wanting to hide and be invisible to stay safe.

CFS seems to impact just about every system of the body. It seems to come about through a combination of multiple stressors. So although we may find one cure for it in the future, for now, it makes sense to use a holistic approach and work on many different things to support the system.

Jane Goodall: My next great adventure, aged 90, is going to be dying

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My next great adventure, aged 90, is going to be dying. There’s either nothing or something. If there’s nothing there’s nothing, that’s it. If there’s something I can’t think of a greater adventure than finding out what it is. I happen to think there is something because of the experiences I’ve had, because of experiences other people have had. Very powerful ones.

– Jane Goodall

Yes, although I am not 90 this is how I see it too.

The most honest answer is that I don’t know what will happen. If it’s not nothing, I will likely be surprised one way or another.

That said, I also have some guesses. As a child, I had flashbacks to the time between lives – all as consciousness, disembodied, mostly timeless with a sense of time passing far away, and at some point some kind of dialog with other disembodied beings who served in the role of a guide.

A few months old, I had an out-of-body experience. I saw and remembered things I shouldn’t have seen or remembered, and that was confirmed by my family when I was in my late teens and asked about it.

What I remembered in the flashbacks is very similar to what people describe from near-death experiences, minus the tunnel and meeting deceased relatives. The out-of-body experience is also very similar to the floating-out-of-body phase of many near-death experiences.

There are many interesting reports and research on this, some of which are described in Leslie Kean’s book Surviving Death: A Journalist Investigates Evidence for an Afterlife.

I have also connected with people who have recently died, in a similar way to how I connect with people when I invite in healing for them. What I have sensed, and others have sensed as well, is a wide range of experiences. One was in some kind of confusion and turmoil (TH). One was in deep peace (the sister of a friend). One seemed frustrated that he had died because he had more left of his mission in life (MD). This is in the few days after death, and it seems that much of what’s related to our human experience and psyche is stripped off in the following period.

In Tibetan Buddhism, if I remember correctly, they talk about unprocessed material coming up at some point after death and since we don’t have the grounding in the body and the possibility for distractions, it can be extra challenging. I won’t be surprised at all if not unprocessed materials surface – to be seen, felt, loved, and recognized as happening within and as consciousness. That’s how it is life so why not also after this life?

That’s also why, for this life and maybe what follows, it makes sense for me to explore how to better relate to my experiences, especially the challenging ones.

I should also mention that although I find myself as what the world, to me, happens within and as, that doesn’t mean this consciousness will last forever. It’s fully possible that this consciousness I am is somehow dependent on this physical body. (Although I wouldn’t put my money there.) This is the small or secular understanding of awakening which I have written about in other articles.

As Jane Goodall says, most honestly, it’s going to be a big adventure. I cannot know what will happen and it’s either nothing or something, and if something, it will inevitably be surprising.

Photo by Muhammad Mahdi Karim

Non-dual Christianity?

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I saw a podcast episode on non-dual Christianity in my feed yesterday. It’s an interesting topic but I am not sure if I will listen to it, unfortunately. Processing that kind of information often seems a bit too much because of my brain fog. But I can write a few words about what comes up from the title.

NON-DUALITY

First, a few words about non-duality.

I usually don’t use that term since it comes with a lot of ideas and baggage, although of course, all words do.

For me, it’s about what’s revealed when my nature notices itself. In my own first-person experience, I am what the world – any content of experience – happens within and as. I am what a thought may call consciousness, and the world as it appears to me happens within and as this consciousness.

The other side of this coin is recognizing the nature of thought. Thoughts are questions about the world, they each have some kind of limited validity and offer a valuable perspective (especially if they come from a sincere place), they have a practical function only to help orient and navigate in the world, they cannot hold any full, complete, or absolute truth, and reality is always different from and more than any thought or map.

To the extent this is viscerally recognized, there is a natural and effortless non-duality. Non-duality, as I see it, points to finding ourselves as what the world happens within and as, and finding the limited validity in a range of thoughts on any one topic.

JESUS & CHRIST

For me, it makes sense to differentiate between Jesus and Christ.

Jesus is the human depicted in the New Testament and other scriptures. Christ is the consciousness aspect that, in my experience, is still present and available.

The Jesus story is a teaching story. There is a lot to explore there at different levels, including as a dream, as reflecting different parts of myself. Whatever story I have about any of the characters and the situations and events from these texts, I can turn to myself and find specific and genuine examples of how it is true. (Adyashanti’s Resurrecting Jesus is an excellent introduction.)

Jesus Christ is a reminder of both the wholeness I can find as a human being (the self as Jung talks about) and my nature as consciousness (AKA Big Mind, Buddha Mind).

Through Christian practices, I have also since my teens experienced what seems to be the unique and specific characteristics of Christ and the Christ presence.

EXPLORATIONS

I find especially two Christian practices helpful.

The Jesus or Heart Prayer. Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me. I say the first part on the in-breath, and the second on the out-breath. If I sit or lie down and focus mostly on the prayer, I also put my hand on my heart and coordinate with the heartbeats. I do it throughout the day, and it becomes a continuous prayer after a while that goes in the background, even through sleep. (The intention or energy aspect of it continues.) Maybe I should mention that I say this prayer in Norwegian – Herre Jesus Kristus, forbarm deg over meg – since that is closer to me.

The Christ meditation is visualizing Christ – as a presence or light – in the six directions and in the heart, and resting with it over time. (The six directions are 1-1.5 meters in front and behind the heart area, on the left and right side of the body, and above and below the body, although the distance varies a bit.)

There are other contemplative Christian practices, although I am less familiar with those. I tend to use practices and explorations from other traditions: Basic meditation, training a stable attention, The Work of Byron Katie, the Big Mind process, Headless experiments, sense field explorations / Kiloby Inquiries, tonglen, ho’oponopno, Breema, tai chi, qigong, and so on.

THE CHRIST PRESENCE

Again, for me, the aim of these practices is to explore our nature, which is closer to us than anything, already more familiar to us than anything, and really all we have ever known.

That said, the Heart prayer and Christ meditation – and likely other Christian practices – also do something unique to them. They bring in the Christ presence, which is distinct from any other similar kind of presence. It’s more in the heart, it has a fiery aspect.

When I did these daily in my late teens and early twenties, I – to my surprise – saw a light on top of my head in the mirror. I can see energies but had not noticed it in the mirror before. This has also happened since then when I do these practices. The light has the shape of a flame, similar to what’s depicted in some traditional Christian art.

Without going too much into detail, from a continuous Heart Prayer, I also found things happening similar to what’s described in The Way of a Pilgrim. (It’s too long since I read it so I don’t remember the details, although I vaguely remember it has to do with seeing energies – and in my case seeing and sensing them more strongly, perceiving the world as consciousness and having the volume turned up on that greatly, a strong sense of the prayer continuing through sleep, and so on.)

When I engaged in these practices in my thirties in Oregon, I had the experience of a woman sitting in front of me on the bus turning around and asking: Are you Jesus? I was surprised, laughed, and joked it away, although I wish I had told her I was engaged in these practices. She had possibly or likely picked up on the Christ presence brought in by the practices, and I could have pointed her to the practices. (This is an example of my social anxiety and hangups sometimes getting in the way of sharing these things with others.)

WHAT IT BRINGS UP

If I am honest, I haven’t engaged in these practices too much over the last few years, although I dip into them sometimes.

Why? Mainly because they tend to bring up a lot in my system – a lot of unprocessed material and trauma. These days, I am exploring more stabilizing and being gentle with myself, mostly because I had a huge amount of trauma come up some years ago and my system feels fried from it and health challenges (CFS and a period with Lyme disease).

I still love Jesus, the Christ presence, and the practices, and highly recommend exploring it, and I hope to return to it more fully at some point.

HOW I RELATE TO ALL OF THIS

I don’t use the label Christian, or Buddhist, or atheist, or anything else. All of them have some validity, and for me, it’s more about the exploration and using pointers and practices from anywhere as long as they seem useful.

I come from a culture and family that don’t have a strong relationship with any of this, so that may partly be why that feels natural for me. Also, it just seems to make sense. This is about exploring the terrain and less about belonging to some tribe (although that can have some emotional, social, and practical benefits).

Also, as many point out, Jesus was not Christian, Buddha was not Buddhist.

WAS HE A HISTORICAL PERSON?

With this way of understanding Jesus and Christ, it doesn’t really matter whether Jesus was a historical person or not. It’s not the point and it doesn’t make any practical difference.

Although most Western historians and theologians quickly dismiss any idea that Jesus may not have existed, there isn’t much solid historical evidence that he did. I suspect the little evidence there is wouldn’t hold up in a dispassionate court of law. The reasonable doubt would be too strong.

The other side of this is that the Jesus story is full of elements from existing religions in the region at the time, as Tim Freke and Peter Gandi point out in The Jesus Mysteries. It’s a teaching story full of resonant and important archetypes.

THE GOSPEL OF THOMAS

Of the Christian scriptures, I resonate most with The Gospel of Thomas. It’s not in the official New Testament, but it may be a source for the four gospels there. I have commented on some verses in other articles.

Many years ago, I read a collection of apocryphal texts, hoping to find gold there. Most of it seemed pretty incoherent and/or focused on non-essentials so I understand why they were not included.

TRULY I TELL YOU… BEFORE THE ROOSTER CROWS YOU WILL DISOWN ME THREE TIMES

Jesus said to him, “Truly I tell you, this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times.”

– Matthew 26:34 (NIV)

Jesus said this to Peter, who happens to be my namesake.

In my teens and early twenties, I thought I would be more out in the world with all of this. I did talk about it with friends. I studied and practiced a lot in preparation for sharing more, and I saw myself sharing my experiences and talking and writing about these topics in public.

What happened was something different. In my mid-twenties, I left my inner guidance on a major life decision and felt – and in some sense got – seriously off track in life. (Although the new track is my track, of course). I have also had more health challenges than I expected. So I find myself mostly just sharing here.

Many in my life don’t know I have these interests. I rarely talk about it, apart from briefly with a couple of friends. I chose to stay anonymous here. If people ask me for guidance, I will typically refer to someone else. If some of these topics come up in a conversation with someone, especially in a group, I may not say anything. I sometimes say I am an atheist just so I don’t need to talk about it. I rarely mention my path and history to anyone. If I talk to someone who is in the role of a teacher, I usually take the role of a novice. If I talk to someone sharing their experiences, I usually mirror where they are at and share what fits their phase in the process.

In this way, I am Peter. I disown Jesus (my connection with Jesus) and Christ (awakening).

I put my light under a bushel.

Why? It may be a combination of things. I didn’t get to study and practice as much within traditions as I had expected, hoped, and planned, so I feel I fall short. A part of me feels ashamed I didn’t go more deeply into it, as I had planned. When I naively shared my experiences early in my process (after the oneness shift), I got burnt quite strongly. (People had a strong reaction to it, for whatever reason.) I had traumatizing experiences in school because I was passionate and freely spoke about my passions, and it wasn’t well received by my schoolmates. There is a family pattern of wanting to hide and appear “normal”. Being less active and social because of my health (CFS) has fueled my social anxiety. Since I am out of practice when it comes to sharing this, I often go silent in situations where it would be more than fine for me to share. (For instance, in Headless groups and meetings.)

There are many possible reasons, they are all understandable, and they are no excuse. I can share more, in my own way, as a fellow explorer, and contribute in other ways to this collective exploration. I benefit from the experiences of others, so why not return the favor? All voices have value, especially when it comes from sincerity.

Exploring resistance (AKA fear, fearful thoughts)

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It’s morning, the sun is out, and I wish to do qigong in the sun.

I also notice what a thought may call resistance. A part of me has fear about it. So I thought I would explore it.

EXPLORATION & DIALOG

I notice where the fear is in my body. It’s in the chest, throat, solar plexus. A contraction, density, heaviness, with some tingling.

I notice a fear of going in, of connecting undistractedly with sensations, murmuring stressful thoughts. There is some identification with a part of me connected with these bodily sensations and murmuring and half-emerging words and images.

I connect with it. Rest with it.

You are allowed to be here. You are welcome. Stay as long as you wish. (I notice a part of me disagreeing with this.)

I connect with the part of me disagreeing. You are allowed to be here too.

Thank you for your love for me. Thank you for protecting me. Thank you for wanting me to be safe.

What do you have to tell me? What are you protecting me from?

I notice a roar, a scream in fear.

Don’t do it. It’s dangerous to go in. You don’t know what you will find. Remember the immense fear that came up those years ago. It can be too much for you. I want to keep you safe.

I love you. I love that you want to keep me safe. Thank you.

What do you fear will happen?

He will be overwhelmed. He will collapse. He will get even more traumatized.

Thank you. I see you are concerned and want the best for him. You want to protect him.

What’s the worst that can happen?

He will be so overwhelmed he will collapse. He won’t be able to function.

Has that happened?

Yes and no. I did feel very overwhelmed some years ago, but he was able to take care of himself.

Even if he can’t, what will happen?

He has people in his life who can help him. Even the Norwegian government can help him, if he needs it.

What do you think realistically will happen if he does qigong this morning?

He will probably be OK. Some things may come up, as it does for him anyway, and he’ll have some challenging minutes, hours, or days, and then be fine again. Even when it happens, he is actually fine.

OK. Would it be OK for you to allow him to do qigong, and similar things, now and then?

Yes, he will be OK. It’s OK.

Realistically, he will be fine. Even the worst scenario is, in its way, OK.

SENSE FIELD EXPLORATIONS

I rest with the sensations. Notice that they are physical sensations.

I notice images. Me several years ago when the immense primal fear surfacing.

I rest with the image. I notice a slight contraction and density in my throat area. I rest with those sensations. I notice a contraction in the solar plexus. I rest with those sensations too.

I notice the sensations happen within space with no boundary. They are within infinite space. They are space taking the form of those sensations. I take time resting with that noticing.

I notice an image of my father with a concerned look. He says “people who go ‘in’ get weird, it’s not good”. (He told me this about therapy when I first mentioned I was going to study psychology.)

I rest with the image. I notice the space around the image, and that space takes the form of the image.

The density in the solar plexus is still here. I rest with the sensations. I notice space is taking the form of these sensations.

I notice space is taking the form of these sensations happening in space, and an overlay of a mental image of this body.

Is it dangerous to do qigong?

Yes, a part of me feels that way. A contraction in the solar plexus. (It’s not very strong, maybe 2 out of ten.)

I rest with the sensations in the solar plexus. It goes to a half. I notice it’s space. Awake space.

A BRIEF SCAN

I do a scan. I notice the sensations – with an overlay of images and words like solar plexus, arms, feet, neck – are awake space.

I open my eyes and notice the visual field is awake space.

I hear the sounds of the traffic in the distance and notice the sounds are awake space.

I notice the taste and smell that’s here, words say it’s mostly herbal tea. I notice the taste and smell is awake space.

CHECKING

Is it dangerous to do qigong?

Yes, it takes energy. He can collapse. It may be too much for him. (Because of the CFS and PEM.)

I notice sensations in the chest, a density and vibration. I rest with the sensations.

I notice density in the solar plexus and rest with that too.

Thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you for your love for me.

I love that you are here to protect me. (I can find that genuine love.)

SOME BACKGROUND

In my late teens and for most of my twenties, I loved “going in” metaphorically with tai chi, qigong, basic meditation, training stable attention, Heart Prayer, Christ meditation, tonglen, Taoist inner practices, and so on. I typically did it for hours each day. I loved it more than anything else, felt deeply at home, and was deeply fascinated by it.

Something happened in my late twenties when I left my clear inner guidance on a major life issue. When I turned “inward”, what met me was the inner guidance telling me what to do and the distress of not doing it. It became more difficult for me to continue this exploration, and I threw myself into community and sustainability work instead. (Which also was deeply rewarding.)

In my thirties, after leaving the geographic location where I was, I was again able to explore all of this and go deeply into it.

During the more recent dark night, starting roughly fifteen years ago, a huge amount of trauma and primal fear surfaced. This time too, it became difficult to “go in” since what met me was what felt like an overwhelming pain and fear.

Even now, I notice a fear of going into it. There is a fear of going in, although I still often do. So I thought I would explore this fear.

The enso is created by me and Midjourney

Testing teachings and teachers

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Douglas Harding and others in the Headless community talk about what happens after a shift into headlessness: We test teachings to see if they align with what we are noticing for ourselves. Richard Lang touches on this in the short video above.

HOW HAS IT BEEN FOR ME?

How do I relate to texts, teachings, teachers, and fellow explorers in this area?

I look for how clear they seem. How familiar are they with this terrain? This is what Douglas Harding describes.

I resonate with those who use a more direct language without too much jargon and tradition, and with as little cultural differences as possible. (Adyashanti, Byron Katie, Douglas Harding.)

When it comes to fellow explorers and teachers, I look for the ones where there is an immediate mutual recognition. (Adyashanti, Bonnie Greenwell, and others.)

I am especially happy when I find someone whose shift happened “out of the blue” as it did in my case, although that’s more rare.

In addition to clarity, I look for kindness, wisdom, pragmatism, freedom from tradition, and often special skills and insights I feel I can learn from.

IF WE DON’T RECOGNIZE OUR NATURE, HOW DO WE GO ABOUT IT?

How do we go about it if we are not familiar with our nature, and we cannot test teachings and teachers based on our own immediate noticing?

The most direct approach is to become more familiar with our nature through guided explorations. The ones I find most helpful are the Headless experiments (Headless Way) and the Big Mind process.

Otherwise, the normal guidelines are often helpful: Look for a tradition or teacher that seems kind, wise, pragmatic, clear, and healthy.

Be aware of your own projections of hopes, fears, shadow, and so on. Whatever you see in the world, including in teachers, is what you have in yourself. Don’t put up with behavior that seems unethical. And it’s often helpful to think of the others as friends, guides, and coaches more than “teachers”.

A FEW MORE WORDS ABOUT HOW IT WAS FOR ME

When this human self was sixteen, there was a strong oneness shift “out of the blue”. All was revealed as God, with no exceptions. These days, I would say that consciousness woke up to itself.

I looked for others who were familiar with the same terrain, and that took years. Mainly because I lived in a little town in Norway and it was the 1980s.

BOOKS

First, the ones I found through books…

The first I found was Meister Eckhart. I still remember standing at a shelf at the old main library in Oslo, reading a book by him, and seeing that beneath layers of cultural differences and a Christian language, he seemed to come from the same or similar place.

In the beginning, that was a typical experience. The layers of tradition and cultural differences were there in Buddhist texts, although they too often seemed to come from the same place. I loved Taoist texts, although they were often more indirect about it.

I also loved systems views and the books by Fritjof Capra, although his books came at it from a more intellectual angle.

The first that seemed more clear and with fewer layers of cultural differences was Ken Wilber’s No Boundary which I loved. He seemed to come from a similar place as me in terms of culture and worldview.

This was all in the late 1980s.

I then found the books by Jes Bertelsen which combined a direct noticing with Jung, Buddist and Christian practices, and energetic work. For me, that was perfect, although he didn’t seem to come from a completely clear place at the time.

I also read a book by Vigdis Garbarek who lived in Oslo as I did, although I didn’t contact her since she didn’t come from a completely clear place. It was close but filtered through some layers.

At the Zen Center, in my mid-twenties, I got into old and new Zen texts, many of which came from a clear place and with less jargon and fewer layers of tradition. My Zen teacher also developed the Big Mind process which came from a clear place and felt completely at home for me.

Some years later, in my early to mid thirties, I found Adyashanti, Byron Katie, and Douglas Harding, and finally felt I had found “my people”. They came from a clear place and talked about it in a way that was less filtered through tradition and cultural differences.

IN PERSON

When it comes to in-person encounters, these have been more rare.

I did go to the Tibetan Buddhist center in Oslo for a while, although felt a distance there because of it all being so heavily clothed in terminology and tradition. When I initially happened to speak from my own direct experience, the Norwegian teacher seemed reactive and angry so I learned to not speak up.

I found my friend BH in my late teens, who seems very familiar with this terrain, and the same with Hanne Bertelsen a few years later. Genpo Roshi seemed very familiar with this terrain as well, and I love his Big Mind process. Later, my connection with Bonnie Greenwell and Adyashanti was very important, and there have been several others. I especially love the circle around Adyashanti.

THE UPSIDES AND CHALLENGES OF NOT FINDING OTHERS SO EASILY

There were upsides and challenges in not finding others for a few years.

The main upside is that I was free to explore and get familiar with the terrain on my own, without the influence of traditions or teachers.

The main challenge was at a much more human level. This human self lived within a context of oneness, and also was profoundly alone in these explorations.

From the archive: some early drawings

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I am going through some of my old things, and I have found some of my drawings from my teens and early twenties. The self-portrait above is from when I was sixteen which was later accepted into Høstutstillingen, an annual juried exhibition in Oslo. I thought the drawing was lost, but found it when I went through some old framed drawings in storage.

Above is a small selection of sketches and practice drawings. The first and last drawings are from the mirror, the second is a copy of a drawing from an old master, the third is from a photo (likely National Geographic), the fourth is a copy from an old master or a drawing from a sculpture, and the fifth is a drawing from a sculpture in the Vigeland Museum in Oslo.

Below is a mix of live drawings (studies & croquis), studies in the mirror, drawings of sculptures, drawings from photos, drawings from anatomical drawings and photos, copies of drawings of the old masters, and a few drawings from etchings and paintings of the old masters.

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How do I navigate meaning and purpose in my own life? How do I find it? How do I find freedom from it?

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How do I navigate meaning and purpose in my own life?

In general, I follow what’s fascinating to me, what sparks something in me, and what makes me come a little more alive. It may be something small or expressed in a small way, and then I see where it leads.

I take my surface wants and needs and trace them back to more essential, and often universal, wants and needs.

And I examine my stressful thoughts related to meaning and purpose to find more freedom around them.

EARLY IN LIFE

As a child, I was fascinated by just about everything. I loved nature programs on TV, I loved Cosmos by Carl Sagan, I loved reading science magazines, I loved reading in general, I loved exploring, I loved nature and the night sky.

When I was sixteen, there was a shift where the oneness and consciousness aspects of my nature came strongly into the foreground. The consciousness I am showeditss nature to itself very clearly.

This threw me in at the deep end in exploring my nature – as consciousness and consciousness taking the form of this human self and the world.

At a human level, I had been fascinated by parapsychology before this, but I was a self-proclaimed atheist and regarded religion and spirituality with disdain.

Now, I found myself fascinated by what spirituality is about, and in the process wanting to learn more about what others have found in their own explorations and how they talk about it.

I followed this fascination through my own explorations, reading, and also – to the extent I found it there – university studies.

I also followed my passion for art and expressing what I was exploring in art. Not by telling, but by allowing it to be expressed naturally and inevitably in what I created.

FOLLOWING THE VOICE OF WOUNDS

I also followed the voice of my wounds at a crucial point in my twenties, which dampened my spark and passion. I got married, she wanted to move to another state, and I decided to abandon my own life and the path that felt deeply right for me and instead support her.

I felt profoundly off track, and although I followed my fascination in my sustainability work, I also dampened my passion and spark for what was even more juicy for me including meditation, prayer, body-centered practices, and art. It was too painful to engage in it because as soon as I did, my inner guidance would tell me clearly to get out of the situation and back on track in life.

As I followed my unexamined fears, I knew what I was doing, although I was unable to get out of it for many years. Life had tapped into deep traumas in me that made me make life choices different from those I would have made if they were not there.

EXPLORING MEANING AND PURPOSE

How do I explore meaning and purpose?

As I mentioned above, I mainly explore it by noticing and following what sparks something in me, what makes me come a little more alive. Often, it’s small things and I see where it leads me. It can be going for a walk in nature, feeding the birds, eating ice cream by the ocean in the summer, the explorations I write about here, writing here, talking about something in an authentic and real way, finding plants for our food forest project, and so on. It can be anything.

There is an essence to whatever sparks something in me. One way to find it is to take any surface wants or needs and trace them back to their essence. What do I hope to get out of it? What do I hope to get out of that? And keep asking that question and notice what comes up, until I find a simple essence, usually something universal and very innocent. (This is from Adyashanti.) How can I bring this essence more into my life? Can I give it to myself here and now?

I identify and examine stressful thoughts I have about meaning and purpose and find what’s more true for me. I find The Work of Byron Katie very helpful here. For instance, years ago, I spent a good amount of time investigating stressful thoughts related to being off track and having abandoned myself.

I explore how all of this shows up in my sense fields. How does my mind associate sensations, mental images and words with each other to create an experience of meaning, purpose, being off track, and so on? Here, the Kiloby Inquiries are very helpful, or a simplified and more natural version of it.

FINDING FREEDOM FROM IT

The two inquires above – The Work of Byron Katie and the Kiloby Inquiries – are ways to find freedom from meaning and purpose, or rather from our ideas about meaning and purpose.

A related way is to notice my nature. The most effective ways to explore this that I have found, so far, are the Big Mind process and the Headless experiments.

At one level, I am this human self in the world. Everything about that comes and goes, so can it be what I more fundamentally am? When I look, I find I more fundamentally am what it all comes and goes within, what forms itself into the experience of all of it.

More fundamentally, I am what a thought may call consciousness, and this consciousness that I am forms itself into the experience of this human self, the wider world, and any ideas and sense of being an I or me, and of anything related to a sense of meaning or purpose.

Here, there is freedom from meaning and purpose.

FINDING FREEDOM TO FOLLOW IT

There is another freedom I should mention, which is to find the freedom to FOLLOW my spark, what fascinates me, what gives a sense of meaning and purpose at a human level.

Here, it’s more about finding healing. To identify and examine stressful thoughts saying I can’t or shouldn’t do it, or that say it needs to look a certain way. To meet and find love for the wounds in me holding me back from following my spark. To find a safe way to begin exploring and living it, and then allow it to blossom.

EXPLORING BEING OFF AND ON TRACK

A big theme in my adult life has been to be on or off track. I felt profoundly ON track in my late teens and especially early and mid-twenties – with art, university studies, meditation, prayer, body-centered practices, living at the Zen center, and so on. I then felt profoundly OFF track after I abandoned a clear inner guidance, moved to another location, and left much of what was most important to me.

What I am exploring has a couple of different aspects…

It’s not possible to be off track in any real and fundamental sense. The idea of being off and on track, and how it looks and feels, is created by my own mind. It’s a human idea and not inherent in reality.

In a human and everyday sense, it is possible to be off or on track. When I follow my inner guidance and what’s juicy for me, I felt and feel very much on track. When I abandon myself – my inner guidance and what’s juicy and important to me – I feel off track, and sometimes profoundly off track.

These two are both valid and important.

CURRENTLY

How is all of this for me now?

I still follow the juiceness and spark to explore what I rapport from in these articles.

I have found an outlet for my passion for sustainability and life in the regeneration, reforestation, and food forest project in the Andes.

The passion I have for art is still somewhat unexpressed in me, although I wish to bring it out more. There is still a deep pain there from abandoning it earlier in life.

In general, I am recovering from going off track – from leaving my guidance – in my twenties. It’s a long process. I am asking life – the divine, my psyche – to guide me to feel more deeply on track again, to live a life that feels deeply right and on track.

I feel halfway on track now, and I am very aware that I don’t know how it would look and even feel to be more deeply and profoundly on track again. It’s a mystery, which I love.

It’s part of the adventure.

NON-DUAL FOLKS AND MEANING & PURPOSE

I have heard some non-dual folks talk about meaning and purpose with disdain. (At the same time, it does seem that living a meaningful life seems important to them.)

I understand where they are coming from: Meaning and purpose are mind-created ideas, not inherent in reality.

At the same time, it seems quite one-sided to take the position they are taking. It’s a position. It’s not fluid.

It does not really reflect life and the fullness and richness of who and what we are.

The drawing is one I made when I was sixteen, in the middle of the initial oneness shift and when I found a deep passion for art. I would draw for hours a day and often long into the night, and did so for years.

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A confession: I hide as a trauma response

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I want to write a bit more about my challenges, which feels like a confession… and feels good and brings up some fear.

Earlier today, I talked with a friend who is a few years into her intentional explorations of her nature and how her humanness fits into it. I was reminded of several things in how I am in those conversations.

WHEN I FIND PEOPLE WITH GOOD SENSING

In general, it’s a big relief for this human self – and his psyche – when I find people who have good sensing and can see whatever awakening is in this system. It first happened when I was in my late teens when I met BH in my tai chi class. It was a more advanced class that combined two or more earlier-level classes, so I had not met her before. She had stood behind me and looked at my energy field and energy system, saw the oneness process my system was in, and decided to talk with me and get to know me. We had many long conversations about our processes, and she also helped me trust my sensing. For instance, we would sit at the train station, look at the energy field around people, and compare notes. We always saw the same.

One or two years later, I did a workshop in Oslo with a senior teacher (HB) from Vækstsenteret in Denmark. At some point, she literally ran up to me in excitement because she had noticed what was going on in my system, and also the healing abilities there. I had several long and good conversations with her too, and still feel some sadness over having left Europe and the possibility of staying more involved with that community.

When I had a long private conversation with Adyashanti some years ago, there was an immediate mutual recognition and a profound sense of one mind communicating with itself. We had a conversation that was life-changing to me, largely for that reason.

It’s a relief for me to meet people in this way. We have a running start. They can see where my system is, so there is no need to use words to explain that part of it (which I normally don’t do anyway). We can instead share our experiences, compare notes, and explore together, which is where I feel comfortable and what feels helpful – and often nourishing – to me.

WHEN I FIND PEOPLE WHO ARE IN A SIMILAR PROCESS

It’s similar when I meet people who are in a similar process, specifically when there has been a spontaneous1 and lasting2 awakening early in life. When our nature recognizes itself without any prior intention or interest or practice on behalf of our human self, and it keeps recognizing itself.

Here too, there is instant recognition and my human self really enjoys it. It feels comfortable and a familiar terrain, and it’s fun to compare notes, share experiences, and so on.

WHEN I FIND PEOPLE WHO ARE CURIOUS AND RECEPTIVE

It’s a bit similar when I meet people who are genuinely – viscerally – curious and receptive. One of the first I met in my life, after the oneness shift, was Marianne Ihlen3 who I met in the Vækstsenteret workshop mentioned above. We also had long and good conversations that this human self really enjoyed, not so much for the two reasons mentioned above, but because of her genuine receptivity and curiosity.

I felt a familiarity there too, and we could explore together in an almost childlike way. (At least, that’s how I remember it now.)

WHEN I AM IN A COMMUNITY WHERE PEOPLE EXPECT FAMILIARITY WITH THIS TERRAIN

There is another situation where I feel comfortable and able to be myself, and that’s when I am in a community where people are experienced and mature in exploring who and what they are, and expect the same of others. I love being in those kinds of settings, which I have mostly – or perhaps only? – found in the Bay Area.

WHEN I MEET PEOPLE OTHERWISE

What happens when I meet people in other situations?

My trauma response is to try to appear as bland and invisible as possible.

Many people in my life have no idea I am interested in “spirituality” or exploring my nature. If they happen to know I have an interest, I have typically only shared a few peripheral bits and pieces of my process according to what happens to fit what they bring up.

When I talk with people – and they don’t seem to have good sensing, or we don’t share the spontaneous recognition path, or they don’t seem super curious and receptive – I usually just match the other. I allow them to set the topics for conversation. I mostly listen. And if I mention something from my own experience, it’s in response to whatever topic they are already talking about. This is another form of hiding since they then get the impression that I am on the same path and timeline as them.

For instance, my friend that I talked with earlier today (whom I love and really enjoy talking with), has said a couple of times that we are on the same path and the same timeline. That’s not quite accurate since I have been in this process for almost four decades now, and much of what I see in her process has elements of where I was a long time ago. I see where she is in the process, and much of what she still has to mature into and discover, although I don’t mention that. She does seem to discover it on her own which is better anyway.

If I find a new group for meditation or healing work, I usually don’t share much if anything about my background or experience. The little things I share are usually my challenges and what’s unhealed in me. For instance, I started going to a Buddhist center in Oslo this spring, and I play the role of a novice and mostly listen and ask questions when I am there.

WHEN I MEET PEOPLE WHO SEEM STRONGLY ATTACHED TO IDEAS AND IDENTITIES

There is another broad category of meetings that is less comfortable to me. It’s when I meet people who seem mostly attached to roles and ideas about themselves and me.

In this case, my human self feels unsafe, and uncomfortable and often goes into some less healthy patterns. These are trauma responses and strategies to stay safe, and the main strategy is to contract and hide.

One way I hide is to fit into the role they seem to put me in. For instance, when I came to CSS in Oregon, the teachers seemed to expect me to be a novice with little to no experience. As far as I remember, they didn’t do an initial interview to map out where I was at4. At the time, I was about twenty years into the oneness unfolding, had a good deal of experience with different practices, and had read a wide range of literature on awakening from many different traditions. I mentioned very little about this and took on the role of a beginner in a conventional sense. I mostly asked questions and listened, which I find interesting anyway. It’s fascinating to me – or at least was at the time – to see how people phrase it. The drawback is that their initial assumptions get affirmed in their minds.

I did share this blog with one of the teachers at some point, and he seemed a bit angry and said he wouldn’t read it since I hadn’t written it. I assume that in his mind, there was too much of a gap between the novice he knew from our conversations and the one who wrote these articles, so it couldn’t possibly be the same person.

In their practitioner group, I spoke up a couple of times and approached the topics from other angles than they had addressed. The response from the members was to assume I didn’t understand and explain the basics to me. I stopped sharing since it didn’t seem to go anywhere.

THE SHADOW SIDE OF NOT SPEAKING UP

Not speaking up, and not making myself visible, has a shadow side.

It means that this human self continues to play the role of a novice, which is fine but also feels off.

There is some hurt around not feeling seen, and behind that, anger.

I miss out on a community of people I can more substantially explore these things with.

I miss out on the growth, maturing, and healing that can happen when there is an engaged and authentic sharing with a community.

I deprive myself and others of shared exploration and maturing.

When I hide, I teach hiding, which is not good for me or others.

When I hide, I teach myself that I have reasons to hide. I reinforce the painful stories in me that tell me to hide.

I reinforce the side that wants to stay invisible, which fuels the side that wants to be visible (and is suppressed), and the split between the two.

HOW HAVE I LIVED MY LIFE?

How have I lived my life from this trauma response of trying to hide, not be visible, and appear as bland as possible?

I abandoned my artistic path partly for this reason. I realized that being an artist would mean visibility, and I had some taste of that even in my teens when my art and I got into the mass media, and it brought up too much trauma and fear in my system.

I left my job as coordinator of the sustainability organization in Madison largely for the same reason. We were on the verge of becoming more organized and professional, and I received a good amount of attention and became a semi-public figure. (If I walked down the street, I would often run into people recognizing me and often thanking me for the work I was doing.) That too started feeling like too much, even if it happened at a relatively small scale.

I have avoided taking any public role in talking about awakening or healing for the same reason, and I keep this website mostly anonymous.

WHY DO I WANT TO HIDE?

Why does this human self want to hide?

There are several likely reasons.

One is that I did talk more freely and openly about this early on in the process, in my teens and early twenties. I did have some very nourishing interactions, as mentioned above. And I also had the exact opposite, including several people getting angry at me when I shared my experiences, including a Norwegian teacher at the Tibetan Buddhist center in Oslo. From that, I learned to be far more careful about speaking up.

In elementary and middle school, my class had an unhealthy dynamic. Several kids in class seemed to hate it when someone showed any kind of passion or interest for anything, and I had an immense curiosity about just about everything. I was also a good student and typically knew the answers to the teacher’s questions. When I raised my hand to answer, I would get dirty looks from those kids. (If looks could kill, as they say.) I learned to be terrified of speaking up and to show I had any passion for or interest in anything. I learned to hide to protect myself. (I suspect that happened to several others in my class too, and these kids gave my favorite teacher a nervous breakdown.) I got profoundly traumatized by this, and it’s still a part of my psyche.

The more essential reason, unsurprisingly, has to do with my birth family. Both of my parents have a strong fear of what others may think and say about them and have spent their lives living up to being a good citizen and avoiding anything that can be criticized5. I learned to be terrified of others and to appear as bland and unremarkable as possible.

Even my brother has said I have no opinions about anything, which is an impression he got since I learned to not speak up in my family. The times I did speak up in a vulnerable way – for instance, about how I experienced the dynamics between my parents which I did even when I was very little – I received massive anger and denial and a clear message to shut up.

NOTES

(1) It’s not really spontaneous. What brought it about – the movements in all of existence that led to this local shift – was not spontaneous, it has been in the working forever. It just seems spontaneous since our human self was not interested in it, often didn’t even know about it, and did no practices to bring it about.

(2) Lasting doesn’t mean forever. It just means that it has stayed for years or a few decades and still is here.

(3) I mention her name since she is a public personality, and she likely wouldn’t have minded. She died a few years ago.

(4) Several things puzzled me about their approach. They didn’t do an “intake” interview as I would expect, to map where people are at in terms of their process, strengths, challenges, and trauma, and to help clarify intentions and motivation. They didn’t seem interested in using more effective tools, for instance, the Big Mind process. They seemed to make anyone whose nature recognized itself a teacher, which I see as hasty and a bit irresponsible. And they didn’t address trauma work and trauma in the awakening process, which seems a major missing and important piece.

(5) I have later learned more about their respective family situations when they grew up which has helped me make more sense of these family dynamics. I learned about it from cousins since my parents never talked about it, and seemed so terrified of these topics that they likely never would. The families of both of my parents experience a lot of trauma around shame and judgment from their local communities. On my mother’s side, it was because her father left them and moved in with another woman. On my father’s side, it was because his father and brother were active members of the Nazi party in Norway during the war, and they were ostracized and shunned after the war. (My grandfather also went to a prison camp for a while for his Nazi involvement.) As far as I understand, they had to sell their house and move to another place where nobody knew them. They both lived in small communities where everyone knew each other, which likely made this even more traumatizing for them.

In their mind, admitting anything that could be even remotely seen as a weakness or something that could trigger judgment from others was worse than death. It could not happen.

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Out-of-body experience and noticing my nature

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two floating people, gold leaf

What are some of the connections between out-of-body experiences – and similar experiences – and noticing our nature?

MY OUT-OF-BODY EXPERIENCE

When I was just a few months old, I had an out-of-body experience.

I remember floating maybe 15 meters up in the air, seeing my parents and older brother in nice clothes walking on the road to our house, with a stroller. It seemed to be a beautiful slightly cool early spring day. They walked along the gravel road to the house, and there was something white, big, and rectangular in front of it. As they walked into the house, I floated around in the different rooms. I remember old yellowish floral wallpaper in the big bedroom that someone had started to remove from the walls. I also remember the living room. (Where I am writing this.)

This was a vivid memory for me growing up. When I was in my late teens or early twenties, I decided to mention it to my parents. It turns out that this is exactly how it happened when we moved into this house. I was four or five months old. It was a nice cool spring day. They had walked from our old house (on the other side of the small town) to the new. The big rectangular white thing was the moving van. The wallpaper in the bedroom was there and was removed and replaced shortly after.

There are some things here I am curious about.

A FEW THINGS I AM CURIOUS ABOUT

How can we sense? How can we sense without the senses of the body? In my case, I only remember visual memories, but I know others describe hearing too. The sight in my experience was from several meters up in the air, and from floating around quite high up in the rooms.

Why did I remember it? This is by far my earliest memory, so I wonder if out-of-body memories can be more easily remembered. Maybe because it’s unusual, and there are also other possibilities. If we can sense without bodily senses, maybe we can remember without the physical brain? Maybe memories, or some memories, are (also) stored somewhere else? Maybe that’s why I remembered it through my childhood and even now. (Although now, it seems more like a memory of a memory, if that makes sense.)

Similar to NDEs. An out-of-body experience viscerally shows us that we are not, most fundamentally, this human body. That’s similar to a near-death experience (NDE), and it can profoundly transform our views and life. It may also be one reason I was so fascinated by ghosts, mysteries, ESP, and the unexplained growing up.

Still a center. In an out-of-body experience, there is still a sense of center. We are consciousness, and yet there is also a center that we look out from. What is that center, if there is no physical body? Could it be what some describe as a subtle body, a kind of body made up of more subtle energies?

Not the same as awakening. Maybe for that reason, it’s not the same as awakening. It’s possible to have an out-of-body experience, realize we are not most fundamentally this physical body, and for that to not stick after. That may be because there is still a sense of center there.

Memory from between lives. This out-of-body experience is similar to my memory from before this incarnation. I was consciousness and everything was consciousness, and there was still a kind of center here. There was also a sense of time being very distant.

OUT-OF-BODY EXPERIENCES AND NOTICING OUR NATURE

These kinds of experiences are not the same as noticing our nature, but they can fuel curiosity and motivation to explore our nature, and they shows us what we are if we only notice.

To ourselves, we are consciousness and the world to us happens within and as the consciousness we are. This does come into the foreground now and then – in out-of-body experiences, near death experiences, in flow states, and so on.

Often, we notice we enjoy it and we notice some things about it while we miss the essence which is that this is our more fundamental notice, and we also don’t keep noticing the essence when these states are no longer here.

In my case, it had to come into the foreground strongly for it to be recognized. I had to go through a year of an apparently observer-observed split where the world – including anything that has to do with this human self – seemed very far away. Then, there was a oneness shift where the oneness and consciousness nature of all was very strongly in the foreground and unmissable.

That lasted for several years, and a part of me associated the essence of it – my nature – with some of the side-effects (bliss, absorption, flow, other states). I knew it wasn’t about those things, and yet apart of me didn’t viscerally know it.

It took some more years – and a lot of changes in states and content of experience including a dark night – to more viscerally get it, and there is still further to go.

HOW TO NOTICE OUR NATURE

None of this – out-of-body experiences, between-lives experiences, near death experiences – are needed for us to notice our nature. It’s far more accessible than that. It’s what’s here and all we have ever known.

What I have found most helpful are…

The Big Mind process, under guidance of an experienced facilitator. Most people seem to notice and get to consciously know their nature within minutes, and it can be explored in a great deal of detail. The Big Mind process is based on Voice Dialog and was developed by Genpo Roshi (my old Zen teacher).

The Headless experiments, which also can help us notice and consciously get familiar with our nature. These are very simple experiments developed by Douglas Harding.

Basic meditation, which can take more time and, for that reason, is often even more viscerally transformative. Notice what’s here in experience. Allow it as it is. Notice it’s already allowed and noticed.

At some level in us, there is also some curiosity and other noticing going on…

All content of experience comes and goes, including any sense of being something within the content of experience – this human self, a me, and I, an observer, a doer, and so on. If it all comes and goes, can it be what I more fundamentally am? If I am not fundamentally anything within content of experience, what am I?

Something is already noticing and allowing what’s here. What is that? Can it be what I more fundamentally am?

I have also found other forms of inquiry very helpful, including sense field explorations (Kiloby Inquiries) and The Work of Byron Katie.

All of this helps me notice, clarify, keep noticing through changing states and experiences, and so on.

INVITING MORE OF MY PSYCHE TO JOIN

A big part of this is also inviting the different parts of my psyche onboard with it.

Many of these still operate from separation consciousness.

How do I relate to them when they come up?

When do I join in with the bubbles of separation consciousness?

How is it to notice them as bubbles of separation consciousness, and notice that their nature is the same as mine and everything else in this field of experience?

The image is created by me and Midjourney and really all of life and existence as everything is.

Note: It’s August 2026 and I read through some notes about her life my mother wrote for me some years ago. She writes that we moved into the house April 11 which fits my memory. I remember it was a cool and sunny day in early spring. I was 2 1/2 months old.